Who needs sleep?

Just Give It Up

2011-06-14T14:09:00.002-05:00

I think there are certain things we can all agree that we never want to happen - things that would make our lives entirely different and cause adjustment and change and, for me, that pretty much means I'd rather back away slowly hoping to escape the notice of whatever circumstance that may be. I don't adjust well to new things which is, perhaps, why we've been house shopping for over 2 years. But don't worry - apparently we're done with it YET AGAIN. We looked and looked, found the house, K thought it needed to much work, waited 8 months, decided to buy it, prepared to make an offer, found out it was under contract, were advised to spend EVEN MORE on house, realized this made sense, adjusted our finances to get used to the expense, found 2 houses to consider, finished up painting and decluttering our house to put it on the market and BAM . . . K lost his job. Part of me is such an asshat sitting here thinking oh thank god I don't have to pack all our crap or damn it I just took all those pictures down - should I even BOTHER putting them back up so that we have to fill in holes and paint again someday? And then I remember that I'm convinced our wet basement is the reason that no one can breathe in our house and I start to panic that even if we ever manage to fully waterproof the damn thing there is probably hidden mold or something in every crevice of the house and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Nevermind that we have actually checked all the walls throughout the house and haven't found any evidence of mold in existence anywhere in the house.
But anyways, back to the real news - we're a one income household . . . I had about 5 minutes of nervous tummy and then realized that we hadn't actually completely planned our childcare for the summer and this happened on the second to last day of school and the timing could absolutely not have been more perfect if this had to happen. We had already adjusted our finances big time to set money away so my income covers everything but cable. Bea won't really know how to handle not having Yo Gabba Gabba on demand but I think we can live without. At least, I hope we can. I'm jealous - I really wish it was me at home or that I could convince my company to just let my husband take my job - but I'm also sooooo happy. I haven't seen K this happy in about ohhhhhhhhh 3 years. I wish we had prepared a little more - he wanted to leave but he still wants to work so maybe finding a new job first would have been a little more . . . responsible? But the kids are at home painting, and gluing and baking cookies and hopefully not killing each other slowly day by day. I don't have to get anyone but me dressed in the morning! I don't have to stop at a school on the way to or from work! We're all so relaxed and unrushed and it's just absolutely amazing and I hope he never wants to go back to work again . . . I will not feel that way the next time I need (um WANT) to buy a truck load of fabric for projects I don't have time to complete anyways but at least it means I won't have a large pile of stuff in my sewing room.
So I need my husband to love being at home and to have things to entertain the kids so that they don't slap each other all day long. I've been making a schedule for them each week with projects mapped out and instructions attached in case they need them. We're trying to lay out supplies the night before and have a plan of easy lunches and healthy snacks. We have just about every crafting/baking supply known to humankind and no qualms about getting more or making giant messes - IDEAS PLEASE!!!! Help me keep my children alive and my husband sane . . . any crafts, snacks, recipes or games that are good for a 3 and 6-year old would be oh so greatly appreiated!

Hello?

2011-04-22T13:06:00.004-05:00

I'm worried I came across as thoroughly douchey in my last post or something and I so hope not. Anyways, I just found out that I did NOT get the job as of now and the reasons why can be summed up like this: too young, no penis. I started to get really excited about it after I got over being scared out of my mind but I think this is the right decision. My company thinks that I can do it and apparently would actually LIKE me to do it but the board of one of the outside companies we deal with may NOT like it so much. Realizing how volatile a situation that would be, I'm somewhat relieved but I can't help feeling disappointed too. Of course, should the management of said outside company change, I may be back in! We'll just have to see . . .

So, my baby turned 3. We gave her my old doll house all freshened up and some of the furniture sets for Calico Critters (I think that's what they're called at least . . .) and she LOVES them. Suddenly she actually wants to sleep in her bedroom again (thank God) because she has cool toys in there. Who knew that's all we needed? Want a birthday pic? SURE here you go

Anyways, life is good. I've been doing lots of cooking, family parties and had lots more sewing time lately (see dress above). Lots of playing outside. Now if we could just stop having thunderstorms/tornadoes and I could get my garden planted I could be perfectly happy.

News

2011-04-01T15:52:00.002-05:00

So to catch everyone up . . .

my baby turned 6 last month. my other baby turns 3 in 12 days! which reminds me that I should probably send out invitations to our families for the party so that they actually know it's happening and maybe, you know, buy her some presents.

I decided to throw caution to the wind on the house. I called the bank, figured out the rates, insurance, payments, how to up our offer $15,000 from what we'd originally planned and told K that we were just going to put a contingent offer on the house and see what happened because I WANT THAT HOUSE. We called our agent/my FIL that night and found out that they got an offer that morning and it was officially under contract. I don't know what I did to deserve that bit of karma . . .

Before Christmas, my boss approached my about a possible promotion type opening coming up in our company. These things are very rare since our office is rather small. I heard that they were starting to consider their options on the job and I literally just walked out of the conference room after throwing my name into the ring for consideration. I'm completely terrified that it is absolutely out of my league but I'm extremely honored that they're genuinely and truly thinking about letting me head that department/company. I know I could DO the job but it's a hard one. I don't know that I would actually take it but I wanted to find out more about it. Oh holy good crap what did I just do . . .

Clean Slate

2011-01-25T13:08:00.002-06:00

Back in my (comparatively) thin days, I remember thinking "I can't imagine ever being 150 pounds" (I realize that sounds assholish to some people but please keep in mind that I'm very VERY short and that I'm going somewhere with this). When I hit that "milestone" I remember thinking "I can't imagine getting to 175, 200, etc". Now as my weight slowly creeps up I realize that's really the only direction I'm going and that it WILL happen if I can't get things under control. Really though I don't know how to get started. I mean obviously we all know what to DO but I can not seem to make it happen with any of the diet changes or exercise regimens I've established for myself. I just keep thinking to myself that I wish there was a magic way to take the weight back and start over. I swear to myself that I wouldn't let my weight creep up again but hello - I started there, I thought that then, and I still managed to gain what I've gained. Honestly, a fresh start wouldn't help but, even if I started losing now, I'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of effort and how much time would pass before I actually see the end result I want. I know it isn't true that if I could just start over I wouldn't let it happen again but it feels like it would be true and I really wish that it was.
More than I want a fresh start with my weight though, I really want a fresh start with our house. Arguably the weight is the harder thing to "fix" but I cannot possibly put into words how much I wish that someone would just come and take every last thing out of my house and put it on the front lawn. I wish that I could stand in my front door and someone would hand me one thing at a time and I could decide whether to keep it, throw it away, or donate it. I wish that I could take each thing and find it the perfect place in the house and that a professional organizer would be standing by with every possible Tupperware bin/shoe rack/closet organizing tool that has ever been created. I feel surrounded by stuff and the sheer amount of things (read: TOYS) that need to be put away at the end of every night just sucks. Not because I mind putting them away but because so many of them seem totally worthless and I have no idea why they're in our house in the first place, much less why we're still hanging onto them. I feel like I need to be motivated - I could be trashing worthless Happy Meal toys as I type but I look around I don't know where to start. It's like I need to find the perfect place to get going instead of just picking any random drawer or cabinet and just get SOMETHING done.
We've been decluttering which started over a year ago when we said to hell with this neighborhood and decided that we wanted to move. Then we found the house. I'm pretty sure I mentioned it here. We thought about it and we (meaning my husband) decided that it would not be the right house for us and we let it go (if letting go means staying up nights dreaming about how to decorate bedrooms and figuring out where all our stuff would fit). I also let go of trying to make our house magazine/open house perfect because I was so disappointed. Anyways, the house is larger than ours but has 1 less bedroom and one less shower. That lost bedroom/playroom was the biggest objection but I've been scheming and organizing in my head for months how to make it work. So last weekend I made him go back with me to an open house. And he saw what I saw the first time - images of our children living in every room of that house and playing in that yard and we walked out the front door to the car, he looked at me, and he said we would try. So we're trying to buy this house. We're taking baby steps knowing that if the whole plan falls apart at any time it just wasn't meant to be but that, for my sanity, I have to know that we gave it a shot. First up is cleaning out this house, painting all the main living areas, and replacing the living room carpet (and praying the dog doesn't walk across the new carpet with muddy feet). Second will be actually trying to sell it at a decent price (that will be lower than it should be but that we can live with). Just those two things could take forever but the next step is the most daunting - putting in an offer on the house that will be huge for us and probably the max that any bank anywhere would lend anyone on that particular house but is still considerably less than the asking price that they have refused to drop over the last 6 months. After that, if by a miracle it actually happens, we'll have to tear out a 1700 square foot house's worth of 106-year-old wallpaper and carpeting (not mention updating bathrooms and the kitchen). I'm absolutely terrified but I've never been so sure in my life that I wanted something like this other than my kids. So we'll see where this leads us. There are a lot of HUGE if's so we'll probably end up going nowhere really slowly.

But at least we'll have tried.

Pictures

2010-12-01T13:45:00.002-06:00

How can life be so boring, so joyful and so crazy awful at the same time? Things are moving a million miles an hour at work, we have packed full schedules at home. While we're baking up a storm and seeing movies and going to basketball practices, all these things seem very joyful and somehow relaxing in the moment while you're actually doing them . . . until you remember the schedule for the rest of the day. Its been such a strange mix for me but this is my favorite time of year. I went a little haywire right before Thanksgiving and bought all the MUST GET Christmas gifts on my list so I'm done. Now I'm just cooking and decorating and running around with the kids. Awesome. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but we've still got all the usual crud going on - temper tantrums, not enough sleep, broken dishwasher, dog bringing in a dead mouse and Bea deciding she wants to keep it (oh for the love of all that is holy NO YOU MAY NOT KEEP THE DEAD MOUSE). On the list of to-dos (for the last 2YEARS) has been get a family photo and I finally scheduled it and got it done. While I can't put the family photo on here (because I don't have access to it), I CAN show you this one that our photographer gave us. I don't know how they got so big but couldn't you just die?

Health Kick . . . yeah ANOTHER one

2010-10-18T15:07:00.002-05:00

So can I just take a few lines here to complain first about how my daughter had mono? MONO for the love of all that is holy. Who is she making out with in daycare? Actually I'm pretty sure she isn't but she's two - where did she get mono? And after a week straight of fever and not sleeping, I'm pretty well ready to curl up in a ball and sleep for 8 straight months but 4 hours at a time will have to do because her sleep habits are now entirely screwed. whoohoo

Anyways - I'm trying to kick the weight loss into high gear because I've been sitting on a plateau (that keeps barely rising so it isn't really a "plateau") for forever and it's just sad and stupid. Here's the thing - I know how to lose weight, I know how to exercise. I'm generally pretty healthy and active but I don't think I've been doing the extra required to actually make any progress. Stress and sleeplessness have completely screwed me. Then I finally found a new motivator and here is the story of how -

A few weeks ago we were watching Biggest Loser. I'm actually starting to really not like this show but it's great to see people make these amazing changes. I don't find it motivating necessarily but I like to see the before and afters. So we're watching and Anna Kournikova comes on the show to give everyone a tennis workout or something. Then my husband and I had the following conversation:
Me - "Damn she has really awesome legs"
Husband - "mmhmm" (non-commital seemingly not paying attention)
Me - joking "do you think she's hotter than me" (of course she is but we all know the correct answer to this question)
Husband - "of course, she's hotter than 95% of the women on the planet" (no hesitation, didn't miss a beat)
Me - " . . . . ." (he's screwed and he doesn't even know it)

So now whenever I want to snack at the end of the night to wake myself up so I can get things done around the house or I want to get something crappy for lunch because I'm in a big hurry or I want something quick for breakfast because I forgot, or I think I might skip a workout because I'm just damn tired, what I think to myself is "f*ck Anna Kournikova" and suddenly I have the will power and drive of someone superhuman. I may never look like her, but my husband is going to have to at least stop and think the next time I ask him to compare me to someone.

Pathetically Proud Moment

2010-10-11T11:33:00.002-05:00

I don't know if anyone even remembers but for a long time I was talking about how we were going to grow tons and tons of our own produce in our own backyard. We started off so ambitious planning for fruit bushes and trees and every vegetable we'd ever bought even once. Then, when we started talking about moving, we nixed the fruit trees since we'd possibly be moving years before they would begin to bear fruit. Then we nixed the fruit bushes because they'd be a mess in the back where the kids play possibly (hopefully) attracting bees that would, in turn, repel our kids. We had to give up on the broccoli and cauliflower when we didn't plant the seedling soon enough due to ~~laziness~~ busyness and we killed them. Similar things happened with the tomatoes - a child needing assistance caused me to stop transplanting mid-way through and, the next day, anything not planted was kaput. We managed to get carrots planted that may or may not be doing well - we'll harvest those soon and see if we managed to keep 3 or 4 alive despite our neglect. We went on vacation at the end of June and came back to dead zucchini, cucumber and squash plants despite our watering system. We also returned just in time to find that the pumpkins had taken over our ENTIRE BACK YARD. The beans got fusarium wilt and (I think?) passed it to the peas. HOWEVER, we have been getting some tomatoes. We transplanted late but they're doing AWESOME now that we can actually get to them as the pumpkin vines have died back. We knew that we could trim the pumpkins back and knew that they would take over any space they were allowed into but we couldn't bring ourselves to take them down. They were just so pretty with their big leaves. We did manage to scare up a few cucumbers, about 4 beans, LOTS of potatoes (but they were all small since we didn't build up the beds the way we planned - again we're blaming plain old jammed packed schedules), 4 acorn squash, we're starting to see plenty of tomatoes and here are about half of the surviving pumpkins.
We had a few giant ones that appear to have been landed on by a inattentive dog while running through the yard. The kids have been eating the midget tomatoes like candy and we're dreaming about baking pies and pumpkin muffins. I've told them they can carve 4 for Halloween but the rest we choose because they're supposed to be great for baking and they are destined for the oven. It's a rather sad harvest given the amount of planting we managed to do and space we allotted. Maybe next year we'll actually do things like WEEDING and watering and all those other things we hear that gardens like. We'll see. Maybe by then we'll even have a few chickens. I was the one that wanted the garden but the kids have been absolutely loving it. We certainly won't plant so many pumpkins next year since they made it impossible to tend to anything else but we'll absolutely do it again. We are horribly terrible farmers but gathering what managed to survive has been an absolute blast and I never could have predicted how excited a 5-year-old would get when he finds something growing that he recognizes. So we'll call it a success - we killed more than half of it but everyone enjoyed it WAY more than I would have thought. Especially the husband - he's been more excited than anyone else and has actually agreed to getting some birds. Just maybe we'll put it off until we have a yard that allows more distance from potentially annoyed neighbors . . .

Houses and Soccer Games

2010-10-04T10:33:00.004-05:00

Well that house was amazing, at the top of our price range, and in need of over $100,000 of work (NOT including a complete kitchen overhaul). Wanna see that kitchen?

(Don't tell my husband but I secretly sort of love those yellow cabinets)
Had known that there was a cinder block basement I probably wouldn't have looked at all. The house was 1/2 amazing - nice paint, nice carpet, added insulation, zoned heating and cooling, beamed ceilings, closets EVERYWHERE - and then 1/2 disaster - HUGE cracks in plaster, tile falling off the walls in the showers, moldy basement walls. It was like different people were maintaining different areas of the house. We were walking through and I kept thinking "I can fix that, I know how to tile, that could be patched, we could fix that in a weekend". In the end though, when all tallied up, it would take us YEARS of weekends to actually complete all the projects and it would still be sitting on a cinder block basement that will crack and leak in new places every year. Plus it made the other house that needed "SO MUCH WORK" look like a palace maintained by an army of contractors in comparison. Oh well.

In other news, I am one of the least athletic people in the world and so I am constantly taken by surprise when O shows that he is, in fact, rather GOOD at all the sports he is doing. At one point during his last game the other coach yelled at his team to "get on that number 22" since he kept breaking away with the ball. Part of me wanted to be proud and the mama bear part was pissed because suddenly all the kids were elbowing and kicking my kid and ganging up on him. Fortunately he didn't notice too much until, finally, one kid took it too far and he just turned around, grabbed the kids shirt and fell to the ground so the other child would have to pull his dead weight to continue running. Not the proudest moment I've ever had but GAH it was hard not to laugh as we tried telling him he couldn't do that after he got pulled from the game. I don't really know the rules to soccer all that well but I'm pretty sure pulling other players to the ground when they piss you off is generally frowned upon. I spoke to one of my coworkers today and his response was "you just have him in the wrong sport - he needs to play hockey". So there you have it - we'll just put him in a new sport where playing out your frustration is acceptable strategy and everyone will be fine. In fact, his father the hockey player will be thrilled.

The Greed Continues

2010-09-30T10:22:00.004-05:00

I felt like the biggest a*#hat writing that last post. Did that not totally sound like "oh poor me! I want a fancy, shiny car!". Seriously thank you all for being understanding instead of telling me that I am, in fact, a complete brat. After talking about large dollar purchases and budgets for so long I feel like we're talking about money alllllll the time. I'm always thinking about if I should buy something instead of if I can. For me, that's like being on a diet. The second I wonder if I can or should, I want to do it even more. Eating chocolate cake, shopping at target - tell me I should cut it out and suddenly I'm going to want to do it all the time whether I really actually want to or not. And speaking of greed and brattiness, I'm going to look at a house at noon today (despite that fact that we're "not looking") because of the two pictures below.

I'm totally nervous about going but really excited too. The price is too low so they're probably trying to create a bidding war. They're only showing the house for 5 days and, if we liked it, they're requesting that all offers be made by October 5th. Plus, I have to go see it with my agent AND their agent present. Totally making me uncomfortable but I'm dying of curiosity. Wish me luck!

Like Being The Unpopular Kid All Over Again! (if you can wait long enough for me to get to the point)

2010-09-28T08:55:00.006-05:00

In our house, we have two adults that are almost incapable of coming to decisions both large and small. What do you want for dinner? I don't know, what do you want? We pretend that we're just trying to be nice and let the other person have their way but man we're annoying. We've been trying to make a decision about buying a new car for about 2 years. We can, we probably should, but we don't NEED to. Car shopping sucks and I feel wasteful making a large purchase that isn't absolutely necessary. My car is now 13 years old and a few days ago I had a wake up call about how out of shape she is. The air conditioner/heater only turns on when the knob is at 3 or 4 not 1 and 2 so you get nothing or you get absolutely blown away - but it works! My blinker has started doing that wonky fast blink whenever I need to go left - but it works! The weather stripping is coming off the back window, the wheel well is missing a piece from when someone snagged it in a parking lot, it's been keyed all down one side . . . but it has a sunroof! (impressive right? no) Most importantly/irritatingly to me, she is getting LOUD and the gas mileage is starting to suck. Of course, the gas mileage is probably my biggest beef but it's a civic - anything we buy will be bigger and have even crappier gas mileage.

We've always talked about getting something pretty reasonable but I'm starting to feel pretty inferior in the school parking lot when I drop off O in the morning. Originally I really just wanted a Subaru - good solid car. At work, generally people have Audi's, Mercedes, BMWs and the like. I never really noticed or cared - they're all older than me with older kids or single so I never really thought to make a comparison. I laughed and shook my head when my boss bought his 16-year-old a car that cost twice what mine did. But now, at school . . .whoo boy is that a different story. I went to this same grade school and remember that it is much like any other private school - for a lot of people, there is a lot of money and a lot of showing off. I knew that our kids would feel that but figured that they would have nice clothes, nice shoes, nice stuff so generally it wasn't like they were going to feel inferior at any point. I was NOT expecting that I was going to feel that judgement so much. Here I am in my sad little car looking at a sea of Escalades, Infiniti's, Lexus . . . What the hell? I have never had a desire to buy any of those vehicles whatsoever. Best day, you could possibly talk me into a fancy Volvo for the safety features. I'm finding it to be a strange twist that I'm taking my son to school with the children of people that I grew up with. The same people that had it all when we were younger while I, most certainly, did not. I'm finding it a bizarre feeling to be comparing my stuff to theirs all over again - especially now at an age where I rationally don't actually give a shit but I can't seem to STOP myself. It's most baffling to me that, what I always considered to be a terrific waste of money, I now find myself wanting a little bit (*gasp*). It's strange how much this is bringing back wierd grade school feelings for me - not of inferiority quite but just this . . . awareness I guess of what I have compared to what others have. I wouldn't call it jealousy, I wouldn't call it being impressed. I'm not really sure what it is but I liked it a whole lot better when I was oblivious . . . .

Deadlines

2010-09-20T11:10:00.003-05:00

Lots rattling around in my skull but I've never even pretended to have the smallest amount of skill where segues are involved . . .

First off - O's first soccer game was this weekend and I learned that my son is FAST. Don't get me wrong, I already knew that he was quick. I've been chasing him for 5 years and gradually learning that he is a faster runner than me. I realized this the first time chasing him down a sidewalk on a busy street and had a big Oh Shit moment as I gained the knowledge that I could probably not actually catch him and stop him if required. I just thought that was because I'm probably more on the slow side. Instead of give him credit, I just chalked that up to a deficit of mine. Anyways, at the game that kid was breaking away and tearing down the field like a mad thing. Now we just have to work on his dramatics. Instead of using the opportunity to take a clear shot at the goal, the boy had to scissor kick and slide with flair so he missed every shot. But he's fast! We'll just do track next year instead!

Our therapist has come up with a lovely solution for a problem that we're having and I thought I would share because it IS AWESOME. We have a problem in our house of someone starting a job and not finishing (we'll not name ~~names~~ initials to spare anyone embarrassment). Feel like fixing the tape line/drywall in the bathroom? Just chip away at it, spackle and leave paint chips all over the floor. Leave the tools on the toilet and the paint tray on the clean towels. For months! Seriously, leave it all there! No one minds! Ok not really. So our therapist told us that, anytime those things come up, we are to set a deadline for when the job needs to be completed. We literally have a piece of paper on the wall that has jobs and deadlines posted on it. If something isn't completed by the deadline, I get to hire someone to finish it. Now I just have to conquer my fear of calling people to work on our house and figure out when to schedule things so we're actually there. But really, knowing that there is a deadline means that I can shrug/walk away/turn a blind eye on all those things that are just waiting to be finished and that feels pretty darn good.

I had another thing but I'm going to get long winded about it and I think that will just be a job for another day . . .

Next Step

2010-09-15T11:29:00.003-05:00

Saly posted this yesterday and I absolutely loved it - of course, that link I'm sure is thoroughly redundant since just about anyone that is regularly over here has already commented over there. It just has me thinking. I really want to lose all this weight I'm packing on but I can't figure out HOW. I'm mean, duh we all know how but why can't I get on track? I've never weighed what I weigh now. I'm stuck wearing dresses and skirts from the back of my closet because my pants are now uncomfortable. The crazy thing is, I'm generally eating healthy, I'm running and exercising more than I ever have before. I'm writing down everything I eat and (unless I'm in a serious state of denial where I'm eating while I'm asleep) I just can't see why I'm gaining right now.
I talked to a medical professional and they think that the largest part of my problem is skipping breakfast/small lunch/then eating the largest meal at night. I'm trying to eat breakfast, I'm trying to pack a lunch. I SUCK at these things and I can't seem to make any lasting change.
So where the hell to start? I'm getting nowhere fast and I'm really not sure what the next step is since I can't make the obvious changes. ARGH! It does feel like an insurmountable goal just to lose 10 pounds at this point. I really thought that additional exercise would slowly get me closer to where I wanted to be and I'm somehow going the opposite direction. What next? When you're stuck, don't you just want someone to tell you what to do so that things will work out? Someone enlighten me please - what do I do? Unless the answer is buy $400 shoes at a discount store because I'm still baffled by that whole shopping trip.

On the Cheap?

2010-09-13T14:01:00.003-05:00

I decided not too long ago that I would begin adding a top, pair of pants, or accessory to my wardrobe about once a month. I hate shopping and I kept ending up marathon purchasing which resulted in large sums being spent all at once which just hurts my wallet. I figured a little over time was a good idea. With that goal in mind, I went shopping at lunch today. I don't know if any of y'all shop at TJMAXX but I personally expect that, if I find something there, it will generally be an article of clothing, usually a shirt and typically between $20 and $40. Not so today. Walked in - super cute bag, $199. Heading towards the back, see a cute coat . . . $199. Walk by the jewelry counter, see a cute necklace - $499. Head toward the shoes and start browsing. Try on a pair, fall in love, turn over to look at the price aaaaand $369 (wha-WHAT?), Find another pair, like them even more - $169.

Shopping Excursion = FAIL

Time Flies

2010-09-10T10:31:00.006-05:00

It got cooler here recently and I swear I went from "oooohhh I love the fall" to "oh my God it's almost CHRISTMAS!!!!" in about 15 seconds. It isn't even techinically fall yet but can I just tell you how much I love this time of year? I've slipped into my happy place over the last two weeks. We went to the zoo and I remembered why we used to go almost weekly. Riding the train with the kids, I felt just completely blissed out. I'd been avoiding solo parenting excursions with two kids for forever just because I didn't trust my ability to keep them near me in crowded places. But sometime in the last month Bea decided that she LOVES the stroller (???) and she happily rode around for hours while we checked out animals. And there was the carousel - neither of them even seemed to need me standing next to them! they're both too short to get ON by themselves but man they looked like such big kids.

I don't know what in me snapped between now and all those horribly sad posts but I feel like life is getting back to normal, back to good. That dress on Bea above is the one I made her a few weeks back. I'm finding little projects that I can do in less than an hour and it makes me feel like I'm doing the things that I wanted for them without sacrificing tons of time with them. O's quilt is almost finished, she has new dresses and we're planning Halloween costumes. I forgot how much I love sewing. Plus the new school has O feeling confident, new routines have him calmer and happier than he has been in over a year. Plus the kids and I have started doing yoga after dinner while K cleans the kitchen. If you ever need a great laugh while you excercise, have your kids do some kundalini breathing excercises or the 30-day Shred with you. It makes the whole thing a little less painful (especially the Shred). Young kids doing jumping jacks cracks me up.

I can't wait to bring up the boxes of decorations for all the coming holidays. I suppose I should but I know I'm not the only one who feels that way around here. Two families on our block have already fully decked out their houses for Halloween. We've already started with all the chili's and creamy soups whenever it rains. I love menu planning when it involves corn bread and beef stew . . . I'm so done with being stuck in the house because it's too HOT. I have no problem going out and playing in the rain or cold but hot means Bea's eczema turns into a itchy rash over her whole body. Lord I'm so glad it isn't over 100 degrees here anymore!

All Wrong Answers

2010-08-30T15:45:00.002-05:00

So we have an agreement in our house about weeknight plans. In general terms it is this - we agree that it sucks to put both of our children to bed and that they are not fun (putting it nicely) when they are over tired. Therefore we agree not to inflict sole bedtime duty on either person without advanced notice and approval. We know that our weeks are busy and generally will try and have our social lives at times that do not put our spouse or children at a disadvantage. We will agree to try and be flexible whenever possible and to make activities happen that are important to the other. This is all really a nice way of saying we'll try really hard not to make a lot of plans between Monday and Friday. But my husband likes to bowl and that happens on Monday night (which just so happens to be the hardest night of the week) so I agree that he can do it sometimes but before each season begins we sit down and figure out how frequently he can go without someone suffering.

This year, bowling season snuck up on us. We were supposed to discuss it when we could sit down with a calendar. I'm a pain and I need to sit with actual dates in front of me. But we didn't. Today brought the email to K that said "by the way, you're scheduled to bowl tonight". That means I get the call that says "can I bowl tonight?". The thing is, I don't necessarily have a problem with him bowling tonight. HOWEVER, I don't like last minute plans on busy weeks when O is already sleep deprived. I know this will mean a sobby, whiny, tantruming night tomorrow. Which is also curriculum night at school (come meet all the other parents and teacher). Thursday is soccer practice so on and so forth. What sucks is we've been trying to schedule time for me to get something done and it keeps getting pushed back so I'm already feeling slightly . . . bitter I guess is a good word. The biggest factor in all of this is that we have had numerous issues with this in the past which is why we even have an agreement in the first place. Last minute plans are just One Of My Things and past experience has made it a touchy subject. And now I have to make the choice - do I say yes so I'm not the bad guy knowing that means I get screwed with double bedtime and crabby kids? Or do I say no and now my husband is crabby despite our agreement and his bowling coordinator/my father-in-law is mad as well?

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

2010-08-27T14:42:00.002-05:00

When we began looking for houses when we bought the one we currently own, I remember looking at foreclosures that were up for auction and bank owned properties that were potentially a great deal for us. At the time, I remember feeling very uncomfortable with the idea. Six years ago these types of sales were somewhat rare although people certainly have lose their homes for a variety of reasons before the market got into the state it is in now. While it certainly would not have been our fault or our responsibility that someone else lost their home, it certainly felt wrong or selfish somehow to profit on a cheap deal because of their misfortune. When we entered the market this time, foreclosures and bank owned properties were absolutely everywhere crowding the market and killing the asking prices on privately owned homes. Our market was still moving - not like it used to but it wasn't completely stagnant and we would probably still sell our house for a tolerable amount. So we didn't feel awful for taking advantage of the market to get a great deal on a house - after all, we were going to take a hit on the price of our house just like everybody else if that was what we chose to do. Then we saw this house that I fell in love with. And then we discovered that we know the owner. I've known the family for over 30 years and, while I'm not particularly close to them, my family has seen them probably about once a week since I was a kid. Now I know, for example, that her husband passed away a while back but that he took amazing care of that house. I know they raised their kids there who are slightly older than me. I know that he built the gazebo and the sleeping porch with his family in mind with his own two hands. And that makes me feel like a crappy offer - even if it makes complete sense with the housing market we currently have - would be an awful thing to make. I know the investment they've had in that house and I simply cannot make myself wish that they would drop the price so that we can afford the house no matter how much I'd love to live there.

School

2010-08-25T09:11:00.002-05:00

It figures I would go off on a good rant about how much life sucks and immediately everything would start looking a little easier. One of my plants shut down for the year at work and I feel like I can take a deep breath each morning with the time that saves me. The house search has gone from holy crap can we just PLEASE FIND SOMETHING to hey now we know that what we want exists so lets see if it becomes affordable and save some money up in the meantime so we're ready when it is supposed to happen. We started therapy (oh yes and we love it) and one of the decisions that we made was that everyone was going to start getting a night each week where they could do whatever they wanted. Now, even if I don't take it, I still feel better just that I know I have permission and I CAN. There has been sewing! There has been wine drinking and reading! Our kids started to get slightly more independent and things are running a little smoother with one parent (how my mother did it with 5 kids when my dad was NEVER home I can absolutely not imagine at all).

One of the biggest struggles we started having was with O's preschool. Sometime after Christmas last year, things started to slowly go downhill. We couldn't put our fingers on it at all but something was off. Then around April, we started hearing about kids that were always yelling and calling names, the kids were getting more aggressive (lots of choking) and fighting over everything. Fortunately, O's feelings weren't hurt but he was ANGRY. Angry I can handle better than feeling less because some other kid is a jerk. The enrollment went up from 18 when we started to 28 by the time we left. The ratios were still low but the place was straight up CHAOS every day. By June we were mad. We'd spoken with the teacher several times about several concerns and were told "that's just kids being 5". But I know plenty of 5-year-olds who were polite and happy and not fighting over every last thing. I know plenty of schools where, when a kid needs to ask a question or tell a teacher something, they can get someones attention. We went to the director who promised to call me back, spoke with the teacher who assured the director she would handle me and that was pretty much the end of it. We were going to pull him out immediately but were unsure what to do. We had 3 months until Kindergarten started and O handles change about like I do (which is to say not well at all). The teachers change in the summer and typically they have high school and college girls running things until the school year starts up again which concerned me - was a 18-year-old going to be able to manage these crazy ass kids? Well it turns out that the girl who ended up leading the program was AMAZING. It took awhile but she got that place in shape. We stayed the summer and were so relieved not to see if everything went back downhill once the school year began. I wondered how the other parents felt and we probably should have asked but we didn't. Then, last night at soccer practice, K was talking to one of the other dads - the dad of the child that my son always fought with. They both remarked about how our boys are now just about the best of friends. How a week after this year began at a new school, both are coming home calm and happy. How different this classroom is and how much better off everyone seems. I'm relieved. I'm relieved that the kids are figuring out how to relate now that they're not in an environment that makes them defensive and crazy. But I'm pissed that I'm the only parent who saw it was school, that I'm the only one that called the director, that nothing changed and that there are 30 kids enrolled in that program even though we're finally out of it.

If House Shopping Is Like Dating . . .

2010-08-23T14:02:00.003-05:00

So Saturday my son says "I have a headache" and we realize he has a fever and put him in bed with movies. Sunday he wakes up barely moving and announces "my neck hurts". Several hundred dollars at the ER later, we have a probable diagnosis of meningitis. MENINGITIS oh my frigginachinhead. He's feeling better and I'm feeling actually rather calm about the whole thing. If it is the dreaded disease, it is almost assuredly viral and will pass in it's own time. Fortunately they didn't even make us do the spinal tap. But couldn't my kids just get a normal old flu or something? Because here is the kicker - if it IS meningitis, then that means that our 2-year-old had it TOO. because she had the exact same illness a week ago only she was too young to say "hey I can't turn my head".

That isn't even the only news for the weekend. Saturday morning we went and saw a house. And it was my dream house. Like literally the house and yard I've dreamed about raising my kids in since before I was a teenager. And you know what? It was $80,000 more than our ideal budget, $30,000 more than our "if the house is amazing and makes me pass out on the porch from the awesomeness" top of our budget. We're waiting to see if it drops which it probably will but, even still, this house needs soooooooooo much work. Old carpeting, peeling wallpaper in every room, plaster work. It's 106-years-old so the poor old lady needs some love. The beauty part of the whole experience of finding the house was that we had a real conversation about what our price range means compared to the neighborhood/yard/house we want and we've realized that we're brats and our expectations were WAY too high. So . . . we're not looking anymore. We've started making nice with Crazy the Backyard Neighbor and our house is actually seeming pretty awesome after all the decluttering to make it ready for selling. You want to know how I feel about this whole thing? I would have guessed disappointed but I feel AMAZINGLY RELIEVED. If this house we saw were to happen to drop massively (which is not altogether unlikely) we may try and make a go for it but otherwise, we're done looking for now while we try and save every spare dollar we've got. Which means that, if house shopping is like dating, just when we've decided that we're happy and satisfied with what we've got for now, The Perfect House is going to drop into our laps . . .

Life: You're Doing It Wrong

2010-08-19T11:33:00.005-05:00

I was sitting here this morning trying to figure out how to break myself back into posting here. We're lacking in posting material these days. Actually, I guess we're not but so much of what is in my head just feels like complaining when I write it down. I suppose I should have posted about O's first day of kindergarten. I'm sure I even have pictures on my phone that I could attach. I've missed birthdays, lost teeth, just about everything (catch up posts are boring). But right now my life is revolving around two things. The first is a huge never-ending dance of school commitments for the kids, snacks and family pictures that we're supposed to bring to school but forgot, uniforms we didn't order, last minute soccer practices, work phone calls on the weekends instead of family time. It's the same stuff that everyone else is doing but we're doing it very poorly. We're forgetting things left and right it seems. If I were normally not worried about these things I guess it wouldn't feel so very very bad but when O was younger, I never missed anything. If they wanted something at school, we did it/got it/made it that night. We were on vacation a few weeks back and instead of riding in the boat with the kids, I spent my Saturday morning on the phone with a bunch of angry people for hours and then crying about it afterwards. I know this is the same story for people all over the place and we have so many things to be so thankful for but I just feel like I can't seem to get my shit together. It boils down to not feeling like myself. I don't know what's wrong but certainly things aren't right. The second thing is a marriage that is experiencing it's first real rocky stretch. We were so good at accommodating things before, so good at respect and kindness. Now we're tired, stressed, nagging and defensive. It sucks. We're solid, don't get me wrong. But we're also having a lot of trouble. There was a post from The New Girl that I sent my husband and, despite it being much higher quality than any drivel I've churned out, he thought I had written it. It's so dead on. But add to that a whole lot of crabbiness and bickering and you have us.

I posted months ago that we wanted to move and we've been looking . . . and looking, and looking. I never imagined that what we wanted would be so expensive and we don't want to buy an in-between house. Blah blah middle class sob story I know (tess you're awesome). I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of thinking about what we can afford and dreaming about what we can't (but maybe could? if we were fools?). I don't handle change well and to be thinking about a major life change for months and months has me wanting to sit in a corner rocking quietly. It doesn't help that we're changing schools, jobs are changing and getting harder, tenser and more demanding. Every big thing that could fall in my lap feels like it has landed there like a giant smelly elephant. Even just writing this I want to slap myself though. The dialogue in my head says "be thankful you HAVE a job", "marriage is hard at least your both committed and you have someone who loves you", "at least you get to kiss your kids to bed at night even if it did happen to be in an ER or a hospital room". I know things could be worse. And I'm not upset that things are hard. I'm just upset that I can't seem to get motivated to show up and get things done. I'm just disappointed that I'm not living my life the way I want to and I'm not really sure how to change that when sometimes I barely want to get out of bed.

Excuse Me

2010-07-22T12:41:00.003-05:00

At first I thought "if you measured the success of your trip by your weight gain, then our vacation must have been epic!" when I came home 8 pounds heavier. Then I got back home and gained another 7. Up more than 15 pounds in less than a month . . .
One truth is that I'm stressed out. My husband has something bugging him that makes him snappish, crabby and irritable. That is adding tension and negativity to every benign conversation and people are walking on egg shells. Work has gotten more stressful. New schools starting is stressful. I'm handling all this by eating. This is "true" but in the end it is all just excuses.
The real truth is this - life is stressful and I am handling it poorly. I'm in charge of my choices and I am making bad ones. No one is forcing me to eat junk food after a bad evening. I'm choosing it.
I've been trying to live more intentionally and make choices for the person that I want to be but I wasn't doing a very good job. I think I'm starting to be back on track but I'm tired of veering all over the place.

My Life According to My Phone

2010-06-11T10:19:00.004-05:00

The easy post at the BEGINNING of this week would have been something about the wedding. Missed the boat on that one. I only post during the day though and I never bring the camera in to work with me because it's big and glaringly obvious. So, here are pictures from my phone instead. Check out the quality! (snort)

Biggest events from the last two weeks that we captured on my phone (fyi this will make our lives seem even more boring than ever) -

On the Field at Busch Stadium

O's Tee Ball team got to parade around the field pregame. He looks like he's yelling but I really hope he's not - that little girl is one of the sweetest creatures that ever lived.

O Splits His Head Open

This cut actually looks not bad in this picture which is chosen for the awesomeness that is the mustache drawn on his face pre-gluing.

I know this is supposed to relax the kids - hey! you have a mustache! How funny!

My kid was pissed instead.

Don't like it kiddo? Don't walk into door knobs.

I Get A Haircut

picture taken while driving so my husband can see my hair

Safe!

Little Sister Gets Married

and now everyone in the wedding party can say they rode the Road Pony . . .

White Wedding

2010-06-04T09:46:00.005-05:00

Welp its wedding weekend this weekend for my sister and, while I am extremely excited (and looking forward to a free dinner and a babysitter tonight Whoop whoop!), I'm really stressing. There have been 10 page email itineraries, I will have had 4 (FOUR!) hair appointments in two weeks as of tomorrow morning, I don't even want to think of what I will have spent on nails, hair, shoes, and undergarments . . . (what a word *grimace face*). All fun stuff though - and I made Bea a dress that I think/hope is super cute and won't fall apart! I'll post pictures if I manage to get one before she smears ketchup on it or something. It sounds like it will be one hell of a party but my drinking plans were killed by the fact that our babysitter for Sat backed out and we will now have our children at the reception. Most important thing on the agenda today -bring shoes to the rehearsal and make sure that I can walk on the very shiny floors. I may have overestimated my walking abilities/balance skills a little when I purchased these . . .

Four Inch Heels - I've certainly done stupider things but . . .

Such a Grown Up

2010-06-03T08:27:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I return to my desk to see that I have a voice mail - it is my husband calling to say "hey, your tags on your car expired last month. Did you renew those and I just didn't know about it?". So at lunch, I drive home and dig through piles of paperwork to find my property tax receipt and go to the license office. I'm lacking the card/application that I need and wondering what I'll have to fill out/how much nervous tummy I'm going to get (thanks Tess). I get there and I remember why I love the license office I use and why I go out of my way to go there. There is one person in line, they have super comfy chairs that actually make you wish you got to wait longer and they're super fast. They DON'T make me fill out additional paperwork and I'm in and out in less that 10 minutes. So that night I'm driving home feeling super proud of myself. I got new tags! How responsible of me! Look at my fancy new stickers! and then I realize
1. It isn't like I just got cool new ground effects or a fancy new stereo. I just dropped $50 on two red square stickers with the number 12 on them. This does not make me cool
2. I'm still driving a 12-year-old POS because I don't want to buy a new car. Again, the red stickers really aren't doing much to the overall look
3. It really isn't as if I'm super cool and responsible - I RENEWED THEM A MONTH LATE. Ah yes, how mature and smug am I now?

I point all this out to my husband and he laughs. "you paid your property tax late this year too. How much have you paid in fines now?" Am awesome.

House Hunting

2010-04-21T11:38:00.002-05:00

We've had some issues with our neighborhood - well, really just one neighbor - for awhile. Last night we heard a loud (LOUD) something at about 11pm and thought "hm? fireworks?" and looked out the back window. Nope! It's our neighbor playing with a loaded rifle 30 feet from where my children are sleeping.
I've been looking at houses all morning and we've even picked a few to look at this weekend. We'd started looking months ago but decided we were going to wait. Fortunately that means we have a general idea of where we want to look and what we want to spend. The only thing is, I'd feel guilty selling our house to someone else who would have to live with the asshat behind us. That and we just invested a ton of time and money into landscaping and general home improvements because we recently decided that we weren't ready to move. Crap.

On My Mind

2010-04-19T11:48:00.004-05:00

It's hard deciding what to write when you write so irregularly. There are so many things I would have posted and where do I start now? Does anyone care about pictures of O's birthday now that we're 2 months past it? So this post is going to just clear out a few things that I'm thinking about - and in November, when I come across pictures of O's birthday cake, I'll post that then.

1. we worked on our yard all weekend. I scrubbed the back wall of the house since it's a north facing wall and looked like crap. now it's nice and shiny. we picked up all the scraps of stuff that the dog had shredded. That took awhile. We built our vegetable beds - 4 beds that are 4'x8' and 12 inches deep. There are also 4 2'x2' beds for the potatoes. We had a dump truck load of dirt for the garden beds delivered so the kids dug to their hearts content (it was seriously a blast and we actually got it all moved from the driveway into the far back of the yard! Thank God for whoever invented wheelbarrows). We planted some perennials in the front yard, installed a drip system in the veggie garden and put down weed mats. The potatoes are cut and getting ready for planting. We started the broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and tomatoes inside. We're really far behind on some of that stuff so we're keeping out fingers crossed. I'm sunburned and I feel like we got so much stuff done. Now we just have to hope that we keep some of this stuff alive

2. I hated taking showers at the gym and now not so much. I am self conscious and don't particularly feel like walking around naked with a bunch of people that I don't know sounds like a good time. I had tried to figure out if I could just clean up - not get so sweaty that I actually HAD to shower and then I figured I needed to grow up and get over it. So I took a shower at the Y weeks ago and it was heaven. The water pressure was amazing, there is this lovely strange breeze from fans around the room and, guess what? at the gym? THERE ARE NO CHILDREN TO INTERRUPT ME! I have not taken a shower in 5 years where I wasn't trying to hurry to leave, had a child peeking in the curtain asking what I was doing or asking me to get them a drink(socks/stuffed animal/candy/whatever), had a child crying in the hallway as their father ushered them away so I could finish, not had someone flushing the toilet and freezing me, not had someone come in and sit so they could just talk while I was cleaning up. My God I had forgotten how absolutely amazing and calming a good shower can be when there is no one there to bother you.

3. I wish that I had something in my car that I could use to shoot like paint balls or paint balloons at other people's cars when they do something stupid on the road. Not like I want to damage their vehicles because I'm angry - more just that I want to put a big splotch of red paint on the their back bumper so that they know they did something stupid. I just want them to KNOW they ran that red light or turned when they weren't supposed to. And I guess I want everyone else to see it too. Wouldn't that be great if we all had things we could shoot at other cars? There could be a whole color coding system. Yellow looks like you're driving around drunk, red you ran a light, green your turned left when you should have gotten creamed, blue if for merging like an asshat in rush hour traffic . . . as you can see I've given this way too much thought.

She's Two! (and welcome to the post of 10000 paranthesis)

2010-04-15T11:18:00.006-05:00

I know everyone says this but I absolutely cannot believe my baby is two! I'm actually a little late here - her birthday was Tuesday but things be bizay here.
I never realized how hard it is to describe your kids so that people really understand them. This girl she just kills me. She is like a giant ball of sunshine - an extremely bossy ball of sunshine - but she is seriously pure happiness. She throws the typical fits but they're always short lived and then she just goes about her business smiling. She talks all the time - her sentences OMG! She sucks up information like a sponge and she is wicked smart (she counted to 12 the other night and my jaw just dropped to the floor - we certainly didn't teach her that). She expects to get her way and, somehow just through sheer determination, it usually works out the way. She tells her brother to march, he marches. Tells daddy she wants something, it's hers. Tells the dogs enough (stop barking!), out (leave the room!), sit, anything and they do it immediately. She fully expects to be obeyed and so . . . she is the Alpha Dog.

Favorite foods - GUACAMOLE, broccoli, cauliflower, taco meat, cake, carrots, sausage, shredded cheese, pizza, grapes, cantaloupe

Favorite things - balls, shoes, sunglasses (on top of her head, NOT over her eyes), tiny animal toys - little pet shop type stuff, anything her brother is playing with.

Favorite things to do - color for hours, "swim" (take a bath), blow out candles, feed the fish, running away in stores, waking up in the middle of the night and playing in mommy and daddy's bed when everyone else would prefer to be sleeping.

Favorite things to say - "I'm NOT" (that means "there is absolutely no way I will do that"). "I'm a good girl", "I got you", "No Fayah" (no fair - guess which older brother she learned this from?), "stop it"(frequently aimed at the dogs and usually accompanied by hand swatting). "Swee Swee Beebee" (this means sing me Sweet Sweet Baby - Michelle Featherstone)

Least Favorite Foods - bacon, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes ( I don't know what is wrong with my kids but both of them hate those last two)

Least Favorite Things - barking dogs (they don't scare her but they annoy her and she makes sure they know it), underpants, the stroller or shopping carts, her car seat - basically anything that keeps her safe and alive. She has no sense of fear or self-preservation.

Least Favorite Things to do - change clothes (once it is on, it's her favorite thing in the world and you best not take it away), sharing toys, getting out of the bath, sitting on the potty. She will never be potty trained I swear.

Baby girl, you are turning out to be the happiest little person I have ever known. You make everyone smile and you are a pure joy to be around. I've never known anyone with as strong a personality as yours and one that is so completely positive. I cannot tell you how much we enjoy being with you and how blessed we are to have you. You are charming and fierce. You are a force to be reckoned with and I hope you never lose that determination and that energy. We love you baby!!!

The Dog

2010-04-08T11:00:00.005-05:00

So help me all you fellow dog owners - we have a chewing problem but it's morphed into something I don't quite understand . . . We have a puppy that is now just over a year old. He likes to chew things. First problem - when in his crate, he would floss with the curtains until they were ripped to shreds. Solution - no more curtains there. Second - would chew on stuffed animals if left out. Solution - kids put their toys away. Third - seemed to stop chewing on things in the house but will chew anything left outside. Mowing the lawn and leave your shoes outside the back door so you don't track grass in the house? Sorry - you need new shoes. Solution -don't leave things outdoors for the dog to chew on first, ignore it pretending you don't see the shredded mulch bags, mulch, electrical cords (where did that COME from?), random bits of plastic, etc strewn around the yard and then, when you can't ignore it any longer, invent a game called "What Was That?" that the whole family can enjoy. But now the dog has decided that he likes to chew on GLASS. Specifically he likes to scrape his teeth on the rims of glass objects such as cups and vases. he got up on the table the other night, grabbed a water glass and sat there scraping away until we investigated that "nails on a chalkboard" noise. I took a glass fishbowl outside to rinse it with the hose and left it out to dry only to find him carrying the thing around in his mouth an hour later. I had a glass cup outside (first thing I grabbed) to rinse out the carpet steamer in the driveway. I didn't have enough hands to carry it in and I promptly forgot all about it. Later that night I found shattered glass all over the driveway. While most dog problems are more of a nuisance, this one seems to fall more under the category of safety issue. So - how do I stop the dog from chewing on glass? WTH?

Changes

2010-03-29T11:16:00.003-05:00

The last week has been really eye opening for me in several ways. As part of my deciding to be "that sort of person", I've been actually making an effort to do my hair, to put on makeup each morning. Typically on a busy morning, I'd pull my hair back and wash my face. And nearly every morning is a busy morning in our house. But then I started blow drying my hair and actually brushing it (my hair is so thin I could not brush it for years weeks
days and no one would ever know the difference). I've realized that my hair dries in about 5 minutes. I can do my makeup in less than 10. That's a time investment I should be able to afford. The difference is unreal. I'm sure I'm acting somewhat different but everyone is noticing and commenting. I don't typically notice what people are wearing, doing with their hair or anything so I tend to forget that other people notice it so much. Hell I'm actually wearing jewelry today and so far 3 people have said something. They're going to think I'm going on job interviews or something - I'd better start talking about how much I love it here and I'M NEVER GOING TO LEAVE. I certainly do appreciate all the nice comments but I'm still a little surprised at them all.

This weekend was my youngest sister's bachelorette party in Chicago and it was a blast. It was the first time I've ever been more than an hour away from my kids and I was a wreck for a few days before I left. Super excited but also worried. However, leave I did. Everyone was fine and traveling with my sisters was a learning experience I wasn't expecting. There was drinking, bar hopping, a veil that lit up, embarrassing games for the bride-to-be, food, wine (oooh waaaaaay too much wine - still feeling it today (am old)) and an all around awesome time. And you know what? Y'all my sisters are skinny. I know that the two I was traveling with both exercise a LOT - with the one with children the same ages as mine this blows me a way but they do everything so differently in their house and they aren't changes that I'm able/willing/at all inclined to make. I guess I also knew they eat differently but I was really surprised. Normally for a party, if I was making appetizers, I'd be planning things like stuffed mushrooms (involving bacon and bread crumbs and butter) and giant guacamole dips with cheese and homemade pico. A lot of my appetizers are reasonably healthy but . . . well, my sister handled the food for this get together and there were pretzel crisps and veggies (I always do those as well but they're the exception and not the rule if you know what I mean), flat breads and brie on a platter. They're apparently much more hummus and celery stick people where I'm typically thinking this is a PARTY - bring on the junk. And you should see them all eat at my house when they have no choice but to eat the good stuff - they love it even if they hate me for it. Anyways - I had this light bulb moment in the car on the way home. Still hungover, we pull over to stop for gas and I'm thinking "am hungover - need chili cheese fritos" when I hear my sister saying "you know, I just really feel like I need to eat some veggies" and then an entire conversation about whether or not Steak 'n Shake or Arby's carries carrot sticks ensued. I realized how all encompassing their eating habits are. We make healthy dinners but I cannot be relied upon not to think "chips" if a snack is called for. We always have a ton of veggies but I don't think I'm capable of not thinking "butter!" when trying to decide how to prepare them. If you've give me an excuse (girl scout cookie time, someone's birthday, a holiday, it's Monday), I will celebrate with unhealthy food. So yeah - that is why they disappear when you look at them from the side. I'm wondering if I want to make that change at all. We certainly don't eat a lot of junk - we don't keep a lot of processed snacks or sweets in the house - but I don't know if I can start thinking that raw carrots are dinner instead of the things we typically have now. I thought we were pretty healthy eaters and I suppose in many ways, relatively, we are but I'm realizing now why I'm not out there looking like my sisters do. The thing is, I've always wanted that body but now I'm really wondering if I want to eat/live like that all the time. I love food and I love cooking Pioneer Woman style too much. I don't know if shifting how we eat that much is a change I'll ever actually make but it certainly opened my eyes.

Changes

2010-03-15T10:57:00.004-05:00

My posting has been so shoddy! I blame the majority of this on a home computer that has gone the way most really old computers go and on a ridiculously increased work load (that I'm actually pretty happy about). My office just gave me my old computer from here to take home so I'm hoping that helps - but first we have to figure out how to get all of our old stuff off the old computer. As of right now I have no access to any of the pictures of our kids except what is currently in our camera and it is killing me. I'm so worried that we're going to lose them all, that all our spare computer time (5 minutes a week) has been spent trying to figure out how to retrieve them all. Several cheap versions of high tech devices later we think we're almost there. And then maybe you'll even get to see pictures of us that aren't 3 to 4 years old.

This is shaping up to be a really boring post. I'm using the "just open it up start typing and see what you end up with" technique. So what else is new . . .

Boring Monday bullet points -
* running was going well until shin splints. ouch
* I can't sleep through the night even when the kids do. Something always wakes me up so now I feel exhausted every night by 9 pm at the latest. I'm normally a night person and this is starting to screw with me. After the kids go to bed is usually when I get everything done and now I can't keep my eyes open.
* I started to notice that the more I upped my exercise intensity or time, the more I ate like crap. I'm completely sabotaging my own weight loss (with help from a spouse who brings me home candy bars and coworkers that put cupcakes on my desk in the morning - how cute is that though?). I've always believed that, while you should live by that tried and true Disney sentiment of Being Yourself, you get to choose who you want to be. In my case, I want to be more motivated, more of a get it done kind of person. I have always been a person with a Weight Issue. Most people say this and mean they were always larger but for me it was the opposite. When I was young, I was extraordinarily tiny and much effort was put into making me gain weight. Now I know that people, especially my mom, are always monitoring my weight -or at least it feels like it. I don't know how to not be a person with a Weight Issue of one type or another and I'm trying to let it go.
* this whole choosing who you want to be also applies to friendships and other areas. When O was born all I WANTED to do was spend time with him and my family. I didn't feel like there was anything else missing most of the time. Now that the kids are getting older (and Bea is soooooo much more independent than he ever was at that age), I'm starting to want the rest of my life back. I still want to be with them just as much but I'm starting to remember what it's like to want OTHER things as well. Now the problem just becomes finding the time. Working the gym in at lunch finally solved the fitness need. Now I just need to figure out how to get out of the house with friends again - especially since so many of my friends live 4+ hours away and I'd really love to see them.
* this sounds so cheesy but in the interest of change (at the advice of an "expert") I sat down and wrote down all of the adjectives that described me and focused on the negative ones. I decided what I wanted those to be instead and made a list of them. Now I'm supposed to focus on living the way that I think that person would - actually just living as if I am those things already. It feels a little silly but it seems to be working. I'm just wondering though - if there were traits that you can change, what would they be and what would you want them to become? May as well give me some more things to add to my list - if I'm going to change things around I may as well be thorough.

Ever Wondered What I Look Like?

2010-03-11T14:52:00.005-06:00

I said forever ago that I was going to wait until I lost weight to post pictures of myself here. Then I decided today - screw it. There isn't much traffic here anyways so may as well eh? So I went off on a search of my pictures on my computer to find one to post. I'm looking through these itty bitty versions of pictures trying to find one of me so I'm just looking for anything that looks like an adult woman.

Pull up the first one - woman I don't know.

This one?

Nope - my sister

This one?

Nope - sisters

Surely THIS one - nope another sister but at least that's my kid so we MUST be getting closer

I found a picture of my ear

I found a picture of the back of my head

A MILLION more pictures of my sisters and I began to wonder - do they all have TONS of pictures of me and none of themselves? then FINALLY

Here we go. Not really a GOOD picture (and its at least three years old) but a picture nonetheless. Maybe I'll try to find another one at home. Surely I have one somewhere that's a little . . . newer?

So about that Weight Loss . . .

2010-03-04T14:56:00.002-06:00

Wanna know what will kick all your exercise and diet plans straight in the ass? Mysteriously gaining 8 POUNDS (!!?!?WTF??!?!??!!) in 2 days. I just went to my doctor and they've decided that it is a medicine that I'm on combined with ibuprofen. My feet look like they did when I had hypertension during my last pregnancy. I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Fun. I'm swollen and puffy and crabby but at least it doesn't appear to be anything to be alarmed over. My medicine has been switched and I'm supposed to avoid the ibuprofen (and diet soda apparently) and see if the swelling goes away over the next few days. Let me just say that it sucks to work hard to lose weight over a period of months and then gain a HUGE chunk of it back in 48 hours. Please please let this go away quickly - I'd like to be able to put my shoes on and wear my rings again!

Fitnessish Update

2010-02-26T10:50:00.002-06:00

I keep saying I'm going to write something about those Vibrams and I keep not doing it - I wasn't planning to today either but here is a short version of how I feel about them since I just mentioned it. I really like them but they have their problems too and I'm noticing some more and some less now that I've had them awhile. I like that they're more comfortable to me than just about every other shoe I've ever worn. I don't like running shoes AT ALL and these feel a million times better. HOWEVER, they can be a little tricky to get on. I have the sprint and I've heard other people complain about the little toe being uncomfortable on these - especially if your little toe is fat and stumpy and curls over like mine does. I've found that this isn't a problem if you put them on right - for me that involves pulling on the fabric part above your toes slightly up and away from the outside of your foot (if that makes any sense at all). The sprint was the only kind they had at the store near me so that was what I got even though I wanted the classic. I'll actually probably get the KSO next time even though I really haven't had any problems getting "stuff" inside the shoe that I already have. They can get stinky but they're easy to wash. My only real complaint is that, in the winter, they are COLD. It isn't much fun to walk in snow and slush with basically a water shoe. I was running with O the other day and managed to tweak my ankle a little funny and it was sore for a few days - the Vibram offers no support so I'm back to my Nike for now but I'm hoping that won't last long.

Anyways - I ran out of things to buy/use as incentive to exercise a while back. I felt like I was just trying to come up with stuff and it took the fun and excitement out of picking things and then using them. So I finally caved and I am the proud owner of a new gym membership. I picked a gym that was close to work and I'm now taking some longer lunches to accommodate getting there and getting cleaned up afterwards. I picked a place with an indoor track since I'm not a big treadmill fan but I really wanted to be running. I spent the first few weeks trying out all the new equipment since it sounded like fun (love the arc trainer that I thought I would hate) and now I'm back to using the track. This may be absolutely stupid but I feel like I don't know "the rules" of the place yet. I'm careful to go the right way on the track and pass the way you're supposed to but I still am not quite comfortable. I've found myself very self conscious about making an ass of myself and potentially pissing off someone near me. I spent many times on the track just walking around and around trying to convince myself to start running and I just couldn't do it. I'm a wimp. Anyways - yesterday there were few enough people there that I wasn't as worried about knocking anyone over or getting in their personal space and I went for it. I was ridiculously proud of myself - a loser for sure - but I'm really hoping to be ready for to run the Thanksgiving 5K this year (especially now that I know my family thinks I'll never actually do it and it's silly to try - thanks mom!). My sister is getting married in June and all the bridesmaids are between size 0 and 4 except me - I don't normally like to compare my body to other people's but it's hard not too when you're all wearing the same dress in the same color. I'm hoping to kick some major weight loss into gear here soon - how much can I lose by June 5th?

Please can we have a change of seasons already?!?!?

2010-02-24T13:48:00.003-06:00

So after another weekend of the barfing flu (ME this time!) and muscle spasms resulting in a head that won't turn (ME again!), I am more than ready for this winter to be over. We have mud and nastiness all over all our floors from the dogs, there are piles of dishes to be washed, still more laundry to be done and I've been feeling weak and sad (I guess that's a nice word for how I'm feeling) and I'm ready for spring. Every year when I start to feel this way, I find the archives and I read this. I know that is new to absolutely no one but I can't even tell you how much it completely changes my mood, alters my entire attitude, when I start reading. I just devour them all week by week and it always leaves me feeling peaceful and refreshed and ready to go home and play with my kids. For some reason it always leaves me feeling as if all the family stuff, all the childhood wonder stuff, has become "magical" again. Anyways - I'm really ready for spring. We're trying to get the kids out for walks when we get a few evening minutes of sun, we're trying to open the windows here and there so the house feels less closed up, I'm trying make things brighter and more colorful around the house . . . I'm just trying to make us all feel better and less like we've been trapped together in the same 40 square foot area for the last 4 months. Any tips?

Please stop the puking!

2010-02-17T15:37:00.002-06:00

It feels somewhat awful to come on here specifically to complain after not posting for weeks/months/years. I can't believe how busy everything is and how absolutely completely sick of winter and snow I am. We've gone through so many illnesses in the past two months and it makes me want to sit down and weep when I think of how much sleep I've actually gotten. I think about trying to get Bea back on a sleeping schedule instead of waking every night at midnight and then talking until 2am (for the love of all that is holy STOP this is not a slumber party) and I want to cry even harder. I thought we were done on Monday - we've had respiratory crap that turned to croup that concluded with a 3 week cold for BOTH KIDS. High fevers, oral steroids, everything sticky from Motrin . . . I've had an double ear infection for over a month and will need to see an ENT if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow. I'm not holding out much hope for that anymore GAH! So anyways, I thought we were done with illness finally when Bea started puking at 2am on Monday. We have so much laundry to do and I feel like everything smells everywhere I go - probably because every single time she threw up she did it on me (still not as bad as many nights when I worked at the hospital and at least now it's MY kid puking on me and not someone else's). Strangely, when O was young and would get sick I always felt like I knew what to do. That child got sick CONSTANTLY (thank you old crappy daycare). This time around it had been a year and suddenly I got all panicky wondering if such and such happens am I supposed to call the doctor or will I just be annoying the hell out of them? If such and such happens can I wait until tomorrow to call the doctor so that they don't recommend that I run my child to the emergency room over what will turn out to be nothing and further piss off our insurance at us? How did I FORGET all this stuff? It's coming back to me but I'm not really happy that I'm getting the opportunity to relearn it all.
We had to cancel a Super Bowl Party due to half of the guests being children and our children had random 102+ fevers that just disappeared by the time they went to bed that night. O was really disappointed that his friend wouldn't be coming over to play so we promised he could spend the night this weekend before O's BIRTHDAY PARTY (he'll be 5 - how the hell is that happening already?!?!?) on Sunday but now the barfing has begun and I'm so worried that we're going to have to cancel once again and he is going to end up in therapy when he's older because all he'll ever remember is that we never let him have friends over - we just PROMISED he could, made the plans and then cruelly laughed as we cancelled every play date that ever meant anything to him. Oh - and if we don't cancel I need to clean, make our house smell nice again (or just like dog which is probably closer to normal), figure out what the heck everyone is going to eat at this party, make all the food, make a cake that looks like a castle (in 3D of course), and DID I MENTION CLEAN? Oh AND I'm supposed to finish a quilt for his gift that is less than half done and I have about 24 hours until present opening time for that to happen. Now I'm just sitting here wondering why I haven't hired someone to clean my house yet . . .

Christmas Giving

2009-12-16T15:30:00.002-06:00

Well I think I'm finally getting into the holiday spirit over here. We've been struggling along with illnesses and trying to figure out teacher's gifts and when we're going to make the cookies for the Advent service . . . we're all busy, we're all stressed and then finally today I just got in the mood. The decorations are up, the traditional buying of the year's ornament has happened, we still have about 30 batches of cookies to make, the end of year bonus isn't what we hoped but I'm just feeling GOOD today.

Our office has adopted several families for Christmas through a local charity so today I spent my lunch hour shopping for a little boy I don't know. I was initially really struggling. Normally we like to do things like this whenever/wherever we can. This year it's a little more of a stretch for us but I really wanted to go ahead and do it anyways (just possibly a little more conservatively than we've done in the past). The thing that just kept hitting me over and over while I was shopping was that some child was going to open these gifts. It was kind of a bizarre feeling, I've got this made up mental image of a child that I'm probably totally off on. I just kept thinking of what it would be like to not be able to get our kids the things they wanted. Granted we're going way more conservative on our own Christmas as well but this is primarily by choice - we have MORE than enough crap in our house. So I was feeling a bit high on my shopping and just that general good feeling that you get from doing a good thing when I got back to my office. When we started this thing, we had adopted 6 families all of them with multiple children. My small office of less than 30 people has not only covered them all but we're taking on a 7th family. I have to say that I'm impressed and my opinion of humanity's generosity and kindness has been renewed.

Proof

2009-12-04T11:06:00.003-06:00

We're long overdue for some pictures so -

Here is proof that sometimes he ISN'T fussing (and loves to make his hair stand up) and proof that sometimes she most certainly IS miserable (as if we needed that)

Oh that last picture just makes my day when I see it but I'm sure one day she'll hate me for sharing it with the world . . .

Coats and Socks and Other Forms of Torture

2009-12-04T10:12:00.002-06:00

I cannot tell you how much better I felt reading the comments from that last post. I tend to remain pretty unfazed by most childhood crapfests but the crying truly just annoys me in a way nothing else does. I’m pretty tolerant of the 1-year-old with the limited vocabulary (she has learned to shout “CANDAAAAY” though so thank gah for that). Although she CAN ask for a drink and even sign “please” while she does so, I know she’s little and it is harder for her. The 4-year-old on the other hand . . . the child never STOPS talking so I’m pretty sure he is completely capable of saying “please turn on the light”, “I’d like to watch tv please”, or “please fix my sock”. I can’t believe how many times I’ve said “USE YOUR WORDS” in the last few months.
Speaking of socks (as I guess I kind of was) – O has A Policy about socks. Again I’m pretty sympathetic since I hate socks and never wear them. They can’t be thick, the seam about the toes has to be unbulky and have no strings hanging off on the ends (something I hadn’t really ever seen before until I bought our last package and was cutting 2 inches of thread off the ends of each seam to prepare them for being worn), the seam also has to run across the top of his toes – if it is anywhere else he can feel it and will lay down on the floor and kick until his shoes go flying through the air. We’re working on him just sitting down and calmly taking off his shoes but apparently, in spite of all our efforts, it’s still much more gratifying to howl and flail (since we always do this phase of dressing in the living room we greatly fear for the safety of our television). We’re also having issues with things like jackets and shirt sleeves getting bunched in them. Again – I hate this too. As a matter of fact I hate coats as well as socks and don’t wear them either. All I want with the socks and the coats is the opportunity to fix the problem BEFORE the resulting meltdown. We hadn’t even put a coat on yet yesterday when I mentioned that I thought we could put it on in a way that would not make his sleeves bunched up. Apparently he knew I would fail completely and started crabbing before the coat had even made an appearance on the scene. It just seems like complete insanity to be upset about something that not only hasn’t happened but is something that we’re obviously trying to avoid and make better! Of course, knowing that he is going to play outside and will freeze his little butt off without a coat and knowing that his feet can stink up the whole house if he doesn’t wear socks still isn’t enough for me to keep from thinking SCREW IT. I’m horribly tempted to decide that coats and socks are optional from here on out – especially since, as we’re jamming him into his coat he’s looking at me and asking why the hell I don’t have to wear one. Well, learn it now child – Mommy is a hypocrite! Also, Mommy is sick and I’m sure your grandmother(s) would say it is because she doesn't wear a coat . . .

Kill Me Please

2009-12-02T11:31:00.002-06:00

Last night we had one of those nights where you find yourself just sitting against a wall somewhere gazing around you at destruction wondering WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE? I can’t pinpoint at all what the problem was, how we could have made it better, where everything went wrong - it was just a nonstop festival of tears. I was actually feeling relatively mellow and peaceful and excited about getting some Christmas stuff going. I was thinking about all the goodies for the advent calendar and how excited the kids would be while I made dinner. . . and then we spent the rest of the evening listening to everyone fall apart. For O this meant 15 minutes of crying about which chair everyone sits in at dinner, 5 minutes of crying because apparently he wants to go to the bathroom (help yourself! No one is stopping you!!!), 15 minutes crying on the toilet, 20 minutes crying on the bathroom floor while kicking things over and dumping out drawers (all this time we’re asking what is wrong to finally discover a)someone wanted company while they went and b) wanted US to turn on the water so he could wash his hands (?!?!? You know, you could just SAY SO)), 10 minutes crying about wanting to light candles, 5 minutes about wanting to BLOW OUT the candles, 15 minutes crying while playing on the computer, 15 minutes crying because it is time to STOP playing on the computer, 10 minutes crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed, 10 minutes crying because he is so tired he wants to go to bed followed by another 5 about how he actually doesn’t want to go to bed. AND SO ON. Bea just walked around alternately talking to herself for a minute then sobbing for 3. She apparently wanted to sit on the potty fully clothed shoving small bits of toilet paper between her and the seat and shouting “BYE BYE BYE BYE” all night and we would only let her continue that game for about 20 minutes (my Lord between the game where we sit on the potty for hours or she “brushes her teeth” for 45 minutes I have NEVER spent this much time in our bathrooms and I’M STARTING TO HATE THEM). I wish there was some way I could describe the noise so that people would have to sympathize. That horrible crying whine! Like nails on a chalkboard to me . . . especially when they're BOTH going on and on and on. I honestly believe that they are probably both just damn tired from the holiday and traveling but at this point they’re so tired we can’t even get them to sleep. I really hope it’s just that because I would really really hate for them to be getting sick. I’m behind enough on laundry as it is.

Fitnessy Post #2

2009-10-28T12:02:00.002-05:00

How’s this for a roll – two days in a row! Things are finally slow(er) here at work but I’m sure it won’t last.

Anyways – Here is a fitness post just for Tess. I’m trying something new and (unfortunately for you) you have to hear all about it.

After the last health/fitness post, I saw Tess’s comment about the Vibram FiveFingers and laughed a little to myself. Then I started researching and then I just HAD to have them. You see, I really was absolutely not kidding/exaggerating about preferring to be barefoot. Less than 48 hours later I was the proud owner of the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen (sadly they looked really cute on the girl in the store so I was optimistic that I’d look like much less of an ass than I do in reality). Now, I was so excited about these shoes that I took them out that night. Then I took them out in the rain as early as I could stand it the next morning and that was when I had my epiphany. I hate getting out of bed early but I really LOVE to use new stuff that I just bought while I’m still excited about it. You know when you buy the new yoga pants and you can’t wait to try them out? The same thing happened with me and the exercise bike – I used it every night without fail for a long time because I was so excited about it. Unfortunately, sooner or later that newness wears off.
I’ve tried the thing where you set aside a certain time for yourself. Meh. I’ve tried varying my routine and having lots of activities so I don’t get bored. Meh. So my new fitness plan now is to buy new stuff. Sometimes I buy something a little more expensive like the shoes or new equipment. Fortunately, I’m easily excited so I’ve found that even silly little things like a hairband can be enough to get me out of my warm bed. The limit I’ve set for myself is that I won’t spend more than I would spend on a typical gym membership. I loved going and was all set to sign up for one when I realized that I would have to be getting up around 4 am to be able to get to the gym/get home/get ready every morning. It was money that I was planning on spending towards getting healthy so I told myself I would still do that just spend it somewhere else. So far it’s working well. The habit of getting up and out is getting stronger. We’ve had some sleepless nights (thanks Bea!) that have thrown me off track but overall, the plan is going strong. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything I want to buy now so does anybody have some tips? I’d love to hear about stuff you love to use when you exercise.

Where We're Going

2009-10-27T10:22:00.002-05:00

I’ve heard so many friends complain about their quarter life crisis, read so many posts about people wondering who they’re supposed to be or what they’re supposed to be doing with their life and I have to say that I generally just don’t understand it all. Maybe I’m not all that ambitious, maybe it is just easy for me to be content. And overall I am. I don’t believe there is one type of employment that will cause me to feel I’ve contributed something major to this world and that I will be unfulfilled if I don’t figure out what that is. I don’t know that I believe that there is one perfect soul mate for everyone out in this world but, if there is, then I’ve been blessed enough to find mine and to find him early. I don’t believe there is any certain way I have to be or feel other than happy. I have a job that challenges me, that pays me well and offers security. I don’t think it is my “dream job” because Lord knows I could never have dreamed this one up. I don’t know that it is my calling or that this is something I’ll be doing when I’m 60. I do know that it allows me to have a family and provide for them which is all I ever wanted from a job in the first place. I know that I want to give more but I can do that by volunteering, donating and setting that example for my kids. I don’t understand the drive to find out “who you are” because I believe it always fluctuates and we’re full of contradictions. Some days I’m patient, some days I’m a total bitch. We almost always cook from scratch, buy organic but I love a good soda. I love old things, I love soft things – I feel completely old fashioned but I listen to loud music and have all my modern conveniences close at hand. I’m hard and soft all the time. I have certain opinions one day and I feel absolutely free to change them as life changes me. I simply think that I’m supposed to enjoy my life, take some risks when there is something I want, to take care of the people around me and give what I can to make the people and places around me a little better – not because we carry some kind of debt but because it makes me feel good.

I’ve been many, many places. Gone up in the Arch, seen the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Memorial, Mount Rushmore. I’ve been to Disney World, Disney Land, stood at the top of the Sears Tower. I’ve had a beer (or more) on Bourbon Street and explored the River Walk in San Antonio. All of those things have been wonderful but they don’t hold a candle to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, dipping your toes in the ocean and seeing nothing but a vast expanse of blue, feeling the mist of Niagara Falls on your face. There’s nothing like watching the sun set in the Painted Desert, sitting on the top of a mountain and watching a glorious forest fire burn toward the only road heading out, standing on that same mountain looking down at clouds so thick you could swear you could step right off and walk out into the heavens. Most of all lying on a beach in Michigan or a field in Iowa at night and looking up at stars so numerous you would never have believed it possible.

So this is what I want. I want to be outdoors. I want a home where everyday I look out and see an unobstructed view of the world spreading out around me. I want sky, trees, grass, wildflowers and weeds that never get mowed down. I want my great grandmother’s farm – raspberry bushes, barn cats, naps in the cherry trees. I want a field of tall grass and to watch my children running towards me out of it. I want a porch and child or two in my lap watching lightening flash while a thunderstorm rolls through. I want to see stars, too many to count, when the sun sets at night. I want bonfires with my kids, my sisters and brother, nieces (and hopefully someday nephews), brothers-in-laws (and someday sister-in-law) running around it with everyone smelling like that woodsy smoky smell. I want to care for things – for a large garden that grows so much of what we need, chickens (for me), goats ( for Bea – her current obsession but probably because she thinks they’re some type of large dog), pigs (for O). I want a lake for my husband who dreams of fishing in his yard Saturday mornings. I want to make things – family dinners, baby quilts, dresses for my daughter. I want to sew, knit, and glue (and, lest you fear I’m going totally Ma Ingalls on you, just know I’ll probably be listening to rap music while I do it). I want to travel and see things I’ve never imagined would be so amazing in person – beautiful landscapes and great works of art. I want to visit a long list of countries I’ve never been to. I want to see the Louvre, visit castles in Ireland, cruise around Alaska and be shocked that ice can be so blue. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a partner who wants these things too (with the exception of pigs and goats that he agrees to simply tolerate). These are all in the plans. They are all goals that we’re aiming towards and, somehow, we’re on our way to them. My wedding anniversary gift for him this year is a passport. His Christmas present will hopefully be a chunk of the down payment for that house we’ve been dreaming of together, a payment on a piece of that lake he sees in his mind. Right now we're putting a lot of energy and time into figuring out where we're going to live and how much that home is going to cost us. It may take us a long time and there may be another house before that dream house is found but we’re determined that it will be ours.

The Verdict

2009-09-03T10:06:00.004-05:00

Well, the answer I was waiting for is indeed a big NOT PREGNANT. The crazy thing about the whole situation was that it was K that noticed all the possible signs while it never entered my mind at all. I was throwing up, asking for wierd foods, having trouble sleeping and on and on when, finally, he looked at me and said "are you pregnant?". With him coming up with it out-the-blue it just seemed that much more possible or probable. If it was just my own crazy, I wouldn't have thought much of it. Two people's crazy makes a possibility seem much more likely. Which it is apparently not. The Big Snip is now less than 2 weeks away and, for the first time, I'm starting to waver about the whole thing. I still don't know how I feel about no more babies. I thought I was done, without question, before this happened. We are doing well with two. We want as much time as possible with the two we have. We would like to spend money on something besides diapers sooner rather than later. We'd like to be sleeping again sooner rather than later. But I can't stop thinking about the smell of a baby's head or the way they fit in your hands when they're just days old. How small their feet look! Most of all, I keep thinking about how that drive to the hospital feels when you can't wait to see this new baby, you're worried and anxious and you still don't know if it's a boy or a girl (for us at least). Really I think I just want to relive the births I've already been through and feel all that again. I thought I would be relieved if I found out we were not but I'm not relieved. I'm just sad.

So not pregnant and just completed my first week of WW. I lost 4 pounds! I certainly increased my excercise level though it was by force - my car broke some large pieces at lunch yesterday and I had to walk home from the repair shop and then back. I was so excited that she might have finally broke something big enough to warrant a new car but it was not to be. All was perfectly well worth fixing and my mechanic assures me that I'll probably have her for another 125000 miles if I want her that long (and the way I drive that is 12 more years - MY CAR WILL BE 24 YEARS OLD BEFORE I EVER GET RID OF HER AGHHHHHH!). I refuse to buy a new car until I have to but man . . . she's old and she needs a good cleaning.

Health Kick(ish) Post

2009-08-28T11:30:00.002-05:00

When my mom ended up in the hospital, everything "normal" in life went a little unglued. We started eating crap at whatever time it was convenient. Baths, packing lunches, pretty much everything just went out the window. We started getting back on track but only to a certain extent. I started making dinner every night again once I wasn't at the hospital every day. We started remembering to pack the kid's bags before we went to bed (at midnight! googahya'll). But I always felt crapped out and tired after putting the kids to bed and would end up eating old Easter candy that I don't even like while staring glassy-eyed out our back window. We had this well-oiled machine thing going on in our house at some point years ago and we just COULDN'T get back to it. It suddenly hit me when my mom went BACK TO WORK that, if she was getting her life back on track, then why the hell were we still floundering around as a results of her getting sick?

(And can I just add here OMG MY MOM IS BACK AT WORK!!!! The best case scenario we initially prayed for was just to be awake, then it was to be off the vent and then just to be able to MOVE. I can't believe how amazing she's doing!)

So my motivation with WW is really just to be able to run around after the kids. To have all my energy back. I want to lose weight, sure but I'm really hoping that this forces me to structure and plan meals so life goes back to how it was when we were ALL eating really healthy. WW made our nights go smoother as bizarre as that sounds. Also, seeing my mom recover, I know that it was only because she was in such amazing shape when all this started. Her doctors have all said over and over that, if she had had any ANY health complications prior to this, there was no way they could expect that she would be where she is now. And I don't want my kids to lose me when I could have prevented it. I know we're all going to die sooner or later but I'm hoping to aim for later.

I love planning menus. I sit down every week and plan out what we're going to eat for the next 7 days. Often I do it more than once because I'll see a great recipe somewhere and want to try it and then it will change everything I want to make. Or I'll realize that I really wanted chili when I made the menu and then it ended up be over 100 degrees all week and that sounds like a terrible idea. So my first goal is to continue this and plan healthy meals for every night and also snacks and things I can make ahead for lunches. I generally hate leftovers so that lunch thing is going to be the hardest part for me. I also hate buying snack food so I'm trying to come up with good alternatives that I can make for the kids beyond just fruit. Sometimes you just need something crunchy.

The next thing I really want to do is start running. I've done The Shred, I've got a million videos and an awesome bike in the basement, hell we've even tivo'ed Denise Austin off of Lifetime or whatever (Oh Lord there is nothing funnier than watching O try to do jumping jacks to that show in the morning with a headband around his forehead! damn that's good stuff). I like excercise oddly enough but I don't really like to push it. I'll walk for hours but if I can feel my heart beat in my face after 2 minutes, I just want to sit down on my ass and wonder if I'm having a heart attack. I promised my dad that I would run a local 5K with him on Thanksgiving this year. (Bonus Trivia #1 - I ran the end of it last year so the guy dressed up as a giant snowman wouldn't beat me to the end. I couldn't let someone walking in a 30 pound costume pass me at the finish but, in my defense, I was pushing a 3-year-old in an enormous stroller) I'm sure he thought I was kidding or wouldn't follow through but I'm really hoping that isn't the case. I would really, really like to follow through on this more than just about anything. Plus our dogs need the excercise every morning. I have everything I could possibly need except two things. The first is that I need to figure out what that website is where you can go to choose songs by how many beats per minute they have (seriously I think that is pure genius for an ipod playlist to excercise to). Second is I need better shoes. I went all nuts awhile back when the running dream was first conceived and bought some supposedly great shoes. After two days I hated them which is pretty much how it always goes for me. I have really small feet (Bonus Trivia #2 - I'm normally about a 7 but I can actually wear a size 4 in some shoes and not because they have wierd European sizing or anything) but they're wide and I would rather be barefoot all the time.

So let me know if you have any idea what that website is or if you have a recommendation for the softest cushiest shoes in the world PLEASE!

Oh! or healthy snack food ideas! That sounds like a much better idea - let's talk about food because I'm starving

Random Bits

2009-08-26T15:53:00.002-05:00

Clever title eh?
No? Not buying it? Me either.
So posting has been sporadic. Wanna know what you missed? No? well . . . too bad

- O turned 4 in Feb. We had a pirate party, the whole family dressed up, the cake was pretty awesome (pat myself on the back . . .). 4 has been WAY the hell harder than 3. Man the Attitude! The Stubbornness! We mentioned it to his teachers like "OMG is he this way at school?". They said "4 is always like this". Now I wonder if it is just the age 4 in general or if it is HIS SCHOOL. But I like his school very, very much so let's hope not. Good God this boy is a riot. He's so funny! but also extremely whiny. The little dictator yelled at least once a day "I WANTED a chocolate milk and YOU did not get me one!!" without even once having told us that he would like a drink. The crying and obnoxious demanding were driving us crazy so we went to "mommy's favorite toy store" (that is what we call it instead of it's real name) and bought him a chore chart. It has things like getting dressed, getting ready for bed, clearing plates on magnets and you can swap them out as they get older. So now we ask once and miraculously he actually comes and gets dressed instead of us wrestling underwear on him and only getting halfway before he notices a floating dust mote two rooms away that he must run and investigate. It also has sharing, saying please and thank you and so on. Within an hour, it was like we had a totally different child in the house. Amazing.

- still absolutely LOVING the "new" daycare. Bea's first birthday was in APRIL! Holy crap poor second child getting no love even on the blog! And her cake was even COOLER so you think I would at least have managed to get a pic of that up on here! Bea, as you may have read in past posts, had an E.Coli infection in her urinary tract thanks to a virus and copious amounts of diarrhea (fun!). She's had so many catheters, I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me for it all. I always wonder what my kids are thinking when I'm holding them incapacitated for shots or anything unpleasant. I really hope they think I'm comforting them (which I'm TRYING to do) and not that I'm the CAUSE of all the unpleasantness. Bea's ultrasound showed some dilation in her kidney that "we're going to keep an eye on" according to her pediatrician. I have absolutely no idea what all that entails (I'm actually thinking we do nothing unless anything alarming happens) but I'm feeling very zen about the whole thing. With O, I would have been panicked. But I can see she's fine. Maybe I'm just too tired to react in my normal way. Which would be because now BEA doesn't sleep. O's sleeping like an angel so she's taken his place at the Awake All Night Party.

- I've finally decided to start Weight Watchers again. Sadly this has just as much to do with me thinking that an hour out by myself (!!!) sounds great as it does with me wanting to lose weight. I'm starting tonight.

- Last thing - K finally scheduled the Big Snip. Wanna know what finally sparked the phone call to make the appointment OVER ONE YEAR LATER? God I'm afraid to even say this but we're having a bit of a uh-oh kind of Whoops! scare if you know what I mean. It doesn't seem like it should be possible timing wise but I feel like it could be. I'm nauseous to puking here and there, I'm exhausted, hell I'm craving things. But really even if I was, it should be too early for any of that . . . what the hell?! At first I was all out terrified but now I know I'm just going to be disappointed if I'm not. It makes me think about my favorite thing Catherine Newman ever wrote - "All the cells in your brain are cheering — throwing their pompoms in the air and turning cartwheels, their little white skirts flipping up while they yell, "Not, not pregnant! N-O-T! P-R-E!! G-N-A-N-T!!!"But your heart — your greedy, irrational heart — is sitting on the curb with its head in its hands." I've known exactly how that feels for a long time and, reading it again, I realize that I have absolutely no idea what I'm actually hoping for . . .

WOOHOO

2009-07-13T09:23:00.002-05:00

Wanna know what makes all the stress even more fun? A trip for the baby to the ER with a temp over 105 and finding out that your 14-month-old has an E. Coli infection.
Awesome

Feeling Lost

2009-07-09T15:51:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I feel this overwhelming need to put how I feel into words right now. Especially since this will be the first post in . . . I don't really want to know how long. I'm not going to look. And it will probably be a rather pathetic thing to leave hanging out on the top of the blog until I decide to write again (you know, sometime next year).

But the thing is I'm having a really bad day and someone is just going to have to hear about it. And that means you (if any of you are still out there).

When O was small (am I really still bothering not putting in names? WHO CARES! Oh wait, I didn't want my family to find this so yes I am still bothering), I was really good at keeping things organized with him. Not like I went out of my way and was anal at organizing, I just tend to generally BE organized. I had a routine of washing bottles, packing lunches, whatever. Everything was always ready to go the next morning. I listened (seriously, always listened) to everything O said to me (and K too for that matter). I was always at work when I was supposed to be. I am (oh wait, WAS) really good at my job. Like I said, I'm organized, really efficient, could remember everything even if I didn't write it down. After a certain amount of time, I really felt like I had the daily routine down. Everything just worked and our days went pretty smoothly. At least, that's how I remember it.

And now I feel like I'm just in the twilight zone somewhere. Bedtimes are taking us like 2 hours to complete. I really feel like this is excessive (ok OBVIOUSLY that's excessive) but I don't know how to make it work. It's like I'm in a daze and I'll go into O's room and think "hey why don't I just pick up some of these cars for 5 minutes while I wait for him to go to the bathroom and wash his hands" and then suddenly I'm cleaning his room at it is 9pm. Every morning there is the mad rush to get everyone breakfast and drinks and pack their bags. And every morning I say to myself "all of this is stuff we could have done last night". But every night I get out of O's room late and all I can do is eat chocolate and go to bed. I'm completely unmotivated to clean anything. Our laundry (hahahaha!!! the laundry) . . . never mind. I'm not even going there. If it wasn't bad enough that our house is trashed, now we're talking about moving. I can't even fathom how we would begin to get our house ready to put on the market right now. I tune out of conversations which makes me feel like a jerk. I thought I was having a conversation about motorcycles the other night but when I really tuned in I realized it was about Power Rangers and was rapidly delving into a full scale investigation of good vs evil and my deep responses consisted of "yes" "mm-hhm" and "no, I didn't know that!". But I'm not really sure what I was responding to so who KNOWS what I just told my 4-year-old? Who also (I realized belatedly) thinks that Power Rangers are swords and not people. We regularly forget "water day" so O doesn't have a swim suit or towel when all the other kids do. So then he gets wet in his clothes and has to borrow school's extra underpants and t-shirt and, of course, they're out of shorts. I can't even remember to pack a drink in his lunch since they don't serve milk in the summer. Hell we've actually forgotten to even pack a lunch period. Really - lunch is an EVERY DAY thing. You'd think we would catch on to that one.

I always took pride in the fact that I'm really good at my job. Unfortunately, in our busy office, if you don't looked swamped you're going to get more work. So now I have double (in some cases triple) the average work load. Which would actually be ok with me except that this haze has me forgetting things. I'm catching them all but I know it's only a matter of time before I drop the ball on something big. Just last week I almost forgot to make a phone call. Big deal - one phone call right? But if I had actually completely forgotten it would have cost a customer in excess of $80,000. I'm dealing with large dollar issues now and slacking off can mean major disaster. Normally I think I'd be game for this but I'm starting to not trust myself. The bitch of it all is that my favorite things about my job are slowly disappearing. The biggest perk of this job was that it allowed me to always make my family a priority. Kids are sick? see you tomorrow. Dentist appt? no problem. I left at 5 done for the day and my weekends were mine. And now all through Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas are haulers and farmers and plant operators with my phone number who have no qualms calling me at 2am because there is a problem that could have at least waited until 6am. Today it just came crashing down on me when I got a called from A's daycare. She's been sick since Saturday. She was fine yesterday though so she went to daycare today and then promptly decided to be feverish again. I got the call and immediately stood up to go get her. Then I realized I can't. I have things that cannot sit. There are reasons that I absolutely have to be here.
And I absolutely hate that.

Spending Money

2009-05-07T14:13:00.006-05:00

So now that all that heavy crap is out of the way can I please just say SOMEONE GET ME OFF OF ETSY. I've known about it forever, I looked all the time but I finally bought something the other day and now it's like I CAN'T STOP.

I've even thought about starting my own shop. You know, because I have so much time to sit around sewing right now.

Recipients of a Miracle

2009-05-04T13:34:00.002-05:00

I've put off writing this post for forever hence the empty days. At first, I didn't know if it was something I wanted/could share at all. Then I didn't know how. And now I'm forgetting so many details that I want to put some of them down somewhere.

At 11:30pm Wednesday April 1st, I got a phone call from my older sister. My dad had called an ambulance and my mom was now at a nearby hospital. She hadn't been breathing and my dad had done CPR. That was all she knew to tell me. My mom. 58 years old. In perfect health. We didn't know how bad it would be but we knew we were going to the hospital. I told K to stay home with the kids. I'd call him and let him know what was going on. We were at the hospital a little after midnight, my older sister and I. I saw one of my younger sisters walking towards us from the emergency room, then I saw my dad. My younger sister was in tears, my dad in a daze. He pointed out her room to me and I went in. I remember her being on a ventilator and I remember that her blood pressure, now the highest it had been for over an hour, was still only 72/40.
They were just about ready to move her to the ICU so we were shown to the waiting room there. At about 1:30 am, two nurses and a doctor came to explain to us that my mother had stopped breathing. Between my father and the EMTs, she had had CPR performed for over an hour and had not taken a breath on her own for at least that long. When the EMTs arrived, her pulse was less than 20 beats a minute. At some point she had had no pulse of her own for over 20 minutes. She coded in the ambulance. The situation was dire they said. We would have to make the decision of whether or not to resuscitate her should anything happen again. Without oxygen for so long, the brain damage should be extensive. She was showing absolutely no response to any stimuli - no pupil dilation, no reaction to pain. We could have them look into the cause over the next few days, if we chose. We could have a neurologist look at her, if we chose. The message was pretty clear - your mother is going to die. We'll wait for your other sister to arrive from out-of-town and then decisions will have to be made. I asked the doctor later if we could have a neurologist see my mom in the morning - just to know. She nodded and said basically that that was fine if it would make us feel better. We sat in my mom's room, playing music, holding her hand and watching her seize for hours. I wondered over and over how I would tell my son that his grandma, the center of his universe, was gone. I wondered how I would even call my office and what would I say?
And all that while, people - friends and family - by the dozens began to show up at the hospital to wait with us through the night. By the following afternoon, we were receiving calls, emails, visitors by the hundreds and prayers, literally by the thousands, were going up for my mom.
The next morning a neurologist saw her. Her eyes had begun to dilate so we should wait 24 hours to see what happens.
Normally the ICU has limitations on visitors. But this hospital is still sure there isn't a chance and they are allowing everyone, more people than I can count by now, come in to tell my mom how much they love her.
I know enough to know that my mother's seizing means that she should have extensive damage to her brain stem. I am worried that, even if she survives, should could be on that vent for the rest of her life. She could be in bed the rest of her life and we all know that this is her worst nightmare.
Thursday night, my youngest sister and I spend the night in the hospital. Just the two of us and mom, while others pace the hallways and go home for much needed sleep. I still can't get over the most horrible stomachache I've ever had and find myself crying at random times without realizing I ever started. My mom flails in her sleep and I start to realize that it happens in tandem with when my sister grills her for answers, we tell her funny stories, or my sister demands she wake up. Then, the first of so many miracles, my mother opens her eyes for the first time. Her nurse, a man I will love dearly for the rest of my life, ran to her side, held her hand and explained where she was. She was asleep again moments later but I will be forever grateful for his kindness and gentleness with her.
But still the situation is dire. She won't open her eyes on command, her EKG looks bad, they can't find the cause so they don't know if there is something to fix. She isn't reacting to pain, she isn't breathing on her own, her lung collapsed and they need to put in a chest tube . . . this list goes on and on. At some point on Friday (Saturday? who knows) I fall asleep on the waiting room floor and my husband wakes me in the middle of the night to tell me that he told my mother to lift her arm and she did. Amazing that this seems like the greatest news I've ever heard. Still the doctors are cautious. It could be chance, coincidence. It could mean nothing. But at this point, we're all bound and determined that things will turn out fine.
My mom woke up for good one morning. My biggest prayer was that she would remember us all and you cannot imagine the feeling when she did.
One month and four days ago, my mom should have been lost
One week and 3 days ago she came home.
In this time we've watched her wake up, start breathing on her own, learn to walk, learn to feed herself, still struggle to write her name. Her short term memory is . . . well, not so great. She needs 24-hour-a-day supervision (which we're only too happy to provide). She remembers her grandbabies all born within the last 5 years but she thinks that we're all at least 6 years younger than we are. When she woke up, she thought it was the 90's and Clinton was president. Her nurse asked her how old I was and she guessed "25? 26? 27? 28? SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT THAT OLD!" (I'm 30 for anyone who's interested).
It's been a roller coaster. There are still a lot of hurdles left and a lot of unanswered questions. Will she ever work? Will she ever be able to hold the squirmy babies? Hell, will she ever be able to just make a pot of coffee without having to work so hard to remember what order to do things in?
But all that aside, her personality, those particular quirks that make her MY mom, are all intact. She remembers us. She's home. God willing, she'll be here for more weddings, more babies, more birthday parties.

And I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly blessed we feel.

Newest Member of the Family

2009-03-30T09:42:00.001-05:00

Welcome Nigel!

Second Verse Same As The First

2009-03-26T12:46:00.003-05:00

I feel so lame. blah blah tired, blah blah busy. who cares!

We're still not sleeping which reminds me - I've been meaning to apologize for a while about that last post. I know I said that crying it out sucks and looking back I thought it sounded a bit nasty. I should have said that CIO sucks FOR ME. I have no issue with it whatsoever outside of the fact that I simply can not do it. And part of me wishes I could. I guess my big fear is that there might actually be something wrong and I feel like a jerk making a baby just get over itself so I can get some sleep. I mean, what if Bea's teeth really are that bad? What if her stuffy nose really is making her that miserable?

So I'm a sucka.

Which leads to the only real news going on in our house . . .

We're busy, crazy, have a 1 and 4-year-old. Things are madness around here. Could there be a more perfect time to add a NEW DOG in to the mix?!?!?!? Of course not.

We're having a home visit with this puppy tomorrow night. Basically, if O likes him, he stays. I've already met him and he is the most serious, formal little puppy ever.

This puppy has not actually been adopted yet so anyone with an opinion has 29 hours to give me some really good reasons to come to my senses (or better yet send me stories about why it is sooooo much more fun to have 2 dogs - especially when they're both over 90 pounds). Otherwise, stay tuned Monday for the verdict and all the shoe chewing, couch peed on, stuffed animals maimed stories that could possibly ensue.

On Why We're Not Sleeping

2009-02-20T10:48:00.002-06:00

So our "12 Hour Straight A Night Sleeper" has become our "2 Hours Straight A Night Sleeper" (also known as our "Despair Inducing Night Interrupter"). In short it sucks but really the reasons for it all fall into the Things That Are Good But Unfortunately Suck category.
The first reason is teeth. We really didn't see this coming because O could have cared less about teething. I knew there were terrible teethers out there but, for some reason, it never occurred to me that we might have one. Teeth = Cute and GOOD thing. Pain that keeps baby awake =Thing That Sucks.
The second is seasonal crap - known individually as colds, flus, etc etc we now just lump them into one collective term. So when we discuss it, I no longer think "she has a cold", I think "she has the seasonal crap". Now, this isn't actually the reason she no longers sleeps - they just lead to the REAL reason she no longer sleeps. And that is this: Her father is a SUCKER. She has gas, a stuffy nose, is fussing for no real reason and he goes in to hold her. I would do the same. The difference is that HE passes out in the recliner or brings her into our room (which Oh Holy Moly I would have gotten in to trouble for with O but it is just fine for this little princess). Now she just wants to be held all night. Now affection and cuddling = GOOD thing. Not sleeping because there are no arms = Thing That Sucks.
Thing the THIRD (and really this one deserves all caps because it is a BIG thing) - new daycare! Amen and Hallelujah! (*Cue choir of angels singing) We switched daycares. We'd been looking and looking hoping to find Someplace Great. We had someplace fine but we thought there must be something better out there and lo and behold we were right for once. This opportunity fell into our lap - my mother's old teacher's aide opened a home daycare. Home daycares squigg me out a bit so it was an option we avoided in the past but we know many, many people who knew her, I'd known her as a child, we had a ton of references given to us before we'd even asked and everyone in the world loves her. So we went, met her and signed on immediately. She is a saint and we adore her and the whole set up. Can you tell we're really happy about the whole arrangement? OVER THE MOON I tell you. However, upset in schedule and new people and places means goofed up sleep at night. This would have been a temporary thing but see above for the explanation of how daddy is a SUCKER. So New Daycare = Things that is REALLY Good. Upset Schedule (and too sympathetic daddy) = Thing That Sucks
Thing #4 - new daycare means that OMG this woman actually knows how to put children down for a nap where, get this, they actually SLEEP. WHOOT! So now Bea likes to play at night instead of passing out as soon as she gets home. This is a very good thing obviously. So Nap = Thing That is (very very) Good. Wants to Party at 1am because she isn't used to getting the amount of sleep she should = Thing that Sucks (although 1 am peek-a-boo is rather entertaining and I love how she's always surprised to see me when she peeks her head up over her dad's shoulder).
We're working on all this. I can't cry-it-out. I hate it and it sucks and I don't give a flying rat's a$s crack if it works. We're making sure she's awake when we lay her down (much later than she used to go down). We're rocking until she acts sleepy and then patting her in her crib (but man do I miss snuffling a sleeping baby's neck in the dark). It's getting better and I'm sure, that by the time SHE is four, she'll be sleeping like a champ. Our expectations for sleep are low. We'll make it up when they move out (which they apparently never will - O swears that he is going to live with me forever every time he throws his arms around my neck but I'm not getting up to make him breakfast when he's 30 so we're cool).

My Baby

2009-02-19T15:30:00.003-06:00

My sweet sweet baby turned 4 yesterday!!! And this picture makes me wish that we were the type of parents that actually washed their child's face after feeding them chocolate doughnuts for breakfast.

Everything in our house has been so hectic and one-on-one time has been so rare. The baby won't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time due to teeth (those frickin' stupid TEETH). She wants to eat dinner before everyone else. She wants to play while everyone else is eating but can't be unsupervised and won't play in the pack 'n play. She finds foods in corners (foods that we haven't even had in the house in over a year) in spite of the fact that we're vacuuming nightly. Sometimes her bedtime takes HOURS.

So O has been getting the shaft is what I'm saying here. But yesterday was his day. I took the day off to surprise him and it reminded me of the days before when we spent so much time alone, just the two of us. Of course, yesterday was a Wednesday and Wednesday means school - so WE went to school. He helped me pack a pillow and a stuffed animal for nap time before we left. We had made birthday pants for O and the kids loved them. I had 6 children put 92 strands of Mardi Gras beads on me while we counted them all. I watched my son be the leader and check out the door to report to his classmates what the weather was. He sat in my lap while a visiting nurse talked about how to keep your heart healthy (bonus - He told everyone about how we exercise in the morning together before school. He's been doing the 30 day shred with me and he thinks that I look like Jillian. HA! He's also a little baffled that you can see their belly buttons.) I got to hear all the kids sing to him. I got to watch them all eat their cupcakes. And oh my lord their faces when they saw me pull out a pillow to take a nap with them - they absolutely could not believe it. I laid down on a mat next to O and he held my hand the whole time. I would peek every so often to see if he was sleeping and he would just start giggling (he had a bit of a hard time settling down). It was such an amazing day. When we got home later and we were going through his bag, we had the chance to look through his "Birthday Book". While we were playing with beads, the kids were all taking turns at the art table making pictures for him. The teachers wrote what the kids wanted to say to him and they bound the whole thing up into a book. They all say how much they love him. I get tears in my eyes picturing his face as we read page after page full of "I love you's". I absolutely can't even begin to describe what a blessing this school has been to us and how much we love it. It was amazing to watch O play, to see all the things he can do, to see what he has learned, to see what his class does every day and to see what a big boy he has become.

Question

2009-01-11T22:30:00.000-06:00

To all of you out there:

How do you NOT kill the men in your life when they are sick?

To my husband:

Why would you think it is a good idea to pretend that you are helping me when sick by sitting on the couch sighing intermittently and acting like you're doing me a favor by not being in bed?

How have you forgotten to how to do everything because you're sick?

How, when the baby has an overflowing diaper of nastiness, do you suddenly forget what the next step is? Really? Forgot how to change a diaper? I thought we'd both had pleeeeenty of practice lately with that.>
When you can't remember what to do, why is the first option that you act on to walk around the house in circles holding the baby as far away from you as you can?

Why are you looking for diapers in the dining room?

Have we ever kept diapers and wipes on the dining room table?

Would you even notice if we kept those things on the table? (you're a champion diaper changer but not always the most observant I must say)

When the baby is puking all over me, could you please help wipe US up before you worry about the carpet?

PLEASE?

could you please remember that, when your wife has a blown out knee, a jacked up back that may or may not have something to do with the cyst that may or may not require surgery, has been getting tension headaches and migraines, has been puked on 20 times in the last 24 hours, is horribly short on sleep, needs a shower and has PMS, it just maaaaaybe might not be the time to complain about your stomach cramps?

Could you please put on this helmet? Because your wife loves you very much but she's trying very hard not to throw something at you.

Play for Points

2009-01-10T21:48:00.003-06:00

Everyone in our house has the barfing flu and I'm a little low on sleep so if this idea ends up being less fun than it sounds to me right now . . . well, I'm using those as my excuse. I once had the thought that it would be fun to make people guess something for meaningless points. Tonight I'm actually going to do it. Except that I really will keep track of points if this continues and there will eventually even maybe be prizes. Like first person to 100 gets . . . something. I can bake and sew but that doesn't mean that you want what I can bake and sew but . . . OMG now totally off subject.
So anyways - I think I'm going to let people guess things for points here and there starting NOW.

Play for Points - Do You Know O Better Than We Do Edition
Here is the back story for tonight's guessing game:

There have been few (maybe one or two?) occasions where O has said something that we couldn't understand ever. About two weeks ago he asked me for a "wiccan". Normally if he asked for something we would have moved on and forgotten all about it but since I had NO IDEA what a "wiccan" was and he was frustrated that I had no idea (plus he really actually WANTS wants one), we've had the conversation on several (too many) occasions. Tonight we finally figured it out but it took us TWO WEEKS of everyone concentrating waaaay too much. SO - 5 points to the first person who can tell me what my son wants that he refers to as a wiccan. You get two hints -
1. it is occasionally pronounced "whackin'" which may or may not be helpful
2. excerpt from our conversation tonight - "I want the tiger wiccan that we saw in the store where I pumped your arm"

**BONUS - 5 additional points to the first person who can tell me what the heck he means by pumped your arm.

Gaining

2009-01-05T13:01:00.003-06:00

So . . . can anyone tell me how it is that, as the new year has started and everyone is vowing to lose weight/be healthy/blah blah blah, I've managed through absolutely NO CHANGE in my diet or anything to suddenly gain 10 POUNDS in LESS THAN A WEEK?!?!?! What the holy hell happened there? (please please please please by PMS) my hands and feet are swollen, my rings are tight, clothes are tight - and it all happened in about 4 days. GAH. I'm uncomfortable.

Anyways - we've just spent 2 weeks trading days at home with the kids. O's school was out and Bea had RSV. Work is like a minivacation after all that right now. Good times. But doesn't she make the most beautiful little sick baby ever?

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

2008-12-15T11:45:00.003-06:00

Well HI! I just noticed that I'm sporting some pretty serious cleavage here. Which makes me hope, and all signs indicate that I'll get my wish here, that my yearly review is today. Nothing says "I'm a great employee" like flashing a little skin. On second thought, I may want to don a coat and pretend I'm freezing up in here.
Thanks everyone for all the kind comments on the Advent calendar. It was a monster to make with my old machine but worth every second. AND . . .
I finally bit the bullet and ordered a new sewing machine (I compromised on a Brother instead of the Bernina that made me feel as if I was choosing sewing over my children's possible college educations). Something is screwy with my bobbin and it results in seams that just, well, make me want to weep. The Singer has seen it's last sewing project. So now, my fingers are crossed that the gods smile on Amazon and the postal service and the new baby arrives in less than 9 days. Because I've still got 13 projects in piles on the dining room table that no one wants to look at any more. Fortunately my scissors work fine so there are 4 dolls in pieces on the kitchen counter. But those things need to get put together - it's odd to be looking at bits of arms and legs in the morning when you're making your children breakfast . . .

2008-12-03T16:35:00.002-06:00

The answer to the question below in case anyone is interested (which your NOT it's been like 5 YEARS since that post) is that O was a "rainbow colored worm". I don't know why there were antennae involved. We're crazy like that.
Also going on:
We had a terrible night on Monday complete with baby barfing on the pajamas that took 30 minutes to get on her and on her sheets and a whiny child wondering why he couldn't watch Jasmine (because you carry it around the house, put it in strange places and mommy has NO IDEA where it is). The evening was completed by same child washing his hands in the potty and very helpfully mopping the bathroom floor with the same poop water he washed his hands with.
God I'm glad the toilet was, at least, flushed.

We started a little project for the Christmas holiday. I was inspired by the Pottery Barn Advent Calendar and wanted one for our house that I didn't spend such a fortune on. But the joke is on me - lesson I should have learned long ago: it isn't usually cheaper to make your own of ANYTHING. But here it is in it's (mostly) finished glory. This thing was a bizatch to sew together. I was planning on making one for each child but HERE'S TO SHARING! Isn't that what the holidays are all about?

I'm so stupidly in love with this thing. Probably because we bonded through all the swearing.

Next project: rag dolls for all the kiddoos. My nieces will (at least I hope will) each be getting one as well as my kids. How is that for ambitious? And crazy? I'm really excited about making my daughter's first doll! But I'll probably ruin the sweet sentiment of the whole thing by screaming profanities at my sewing machine while trying to assemble it. We'll see . . .

Better Late than Never

2008-11-18T08:35:00.002-06:00

Here is one Halloween costume courtesy of my mother. I can't be counted on to remember a camera apparently.

Can you guess what he is?

Slacka!

2008-11-14T15:45:00.004-06:00

Is it me or did a bunch of us become blogging no shows all at the same time? Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better but I don't think I'm the only one that got a little blog lethargy happening recently.

Part of my demise is that I work for a company that has everyone working together on a "trading floor". I used to be one of 4 people with an office but not so much anymore. We have no cubicles/dividers/privacy of any sort. But all the boys around me are away and I'm free to screw off as I please for the afternoon. So here I am. Yet I really hate feeling like people are looking over my shoulder. Am I just paranoid? Am I the only one that hates when people read what you're typing over your shoulder? It makes me feel itchy. Plus I've had a double ear infection and I'm worried that I'm yelling into my phone and everyone around me is thinking "shut it woman!".

In other news, my baby slept again last night! We switched formulas and it seems to be helping kill the 2 hour wake-cry-thrash and whine cycle we've had going on. We're still breastfeeding - or our own version thereof. Our version works like this: Bea refuses to take a boob unless it is morning. Bea will not take a bottle of formula from me. Bea likes breast milk before bed. All bottles need to be warmed up to just the right degree of warm. I have to pump at least three times a day - one of which keeps me up late at night. My supply seems to be gradually decreasing and, while she used to be getting about 80% breast milk, we're closing in on about 50% if that. And all this has me wondering if it's worth it. Do we keep up? I know the benefits but I also know this: there are benefits to sleep. There are benefits in being able to do something on a Saturday without being worried about when to pump. There are benefits to not having a sore back from hunching over a pump for at least 2 hours a day (it takes me forever). So the big debate is on - do we quit? If we quit, what happens when she wants a bottle of breast milk at bed time? How long will it take before she'll take a bottle of formula from me? Do I really want to give it up when I know we're not planning on more kids and I'll probably never get to do this again? And am I really sure we don't want another baby . . . oh lord that's a whole different post. I'm bailing on this one now but I leave you with this -

How could you not nurse this sweet screaming pitiful face? If you could speak her language she'd be saying "Damn it mother I hate hats!"

Taking Things Literally

2008-11-04T15:17:00.001-06:00

A few nights ago:
O: (very solemnly and with much nodding) “sometimes people can’t vote so when they can’t leave the house we do it for them because they can’t do it themselves”
Me: hmmmmmm so that’s what it means when we’re voting FOR someone?

At school:
Teacher: “What does the president do?”
O: “He runs for people”

This morning on the way to the car to vote:
O: (running down the driveway and staring over his shoulder) “why aren’t you running? If we’re going to vote shouldn’t you be RUNNING?”
Me: hmmmm what office does he think I’m “running” for and does it involve a pay raise?

But my son AND daughter waited with us for 2 hours in line with a very minimal amount of whining and if they can do it, so can the rest of us. Right?

Counter

2008-10-30T16:30:00.002-05:00

You know those coin banks that keep track of how much money is inside every time you drop a coin through the slot? I want one of those counters installed in my wrist so that I have some clue how many calories I'm eating.
I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight and I maybe have (like 2 pounds? heh). But some days I won't eat until way late. No breakfast, late lunch . . . and I'd say I'm not eating enough but I'm probably making up for it at other times.
I could keep a food journal. I could write it all down
That requires too much thought.
Maybe I should just exercise instead.

I think . . .

2008-10-29T10:56:00.002-05:00

I'm coming back
This blog stopped being what I wanted it to be in that I wasn't just enjoying it anymore.
Jobs changed for me. Our house is falling apart like 90-year-old houses do. Everyone got sick (and still is).
Things have been a little rough but we're weathering it. We're happy. And I'm really looking forward to holidays and snow. Until it actually snows and then I will complain about it.
But I've missed being here. I may not be here as frequently but I'll definitely be here (and at your blog too).

The Trouble with Princesses

2008-09-23T09:27:00.003-05:00

OK - I know I've been absent and my head/hands have been working elsewhere but I have a question and I hope that some of you are still out there to answer it.
I've listened to people gripe about the princess phase of girlhood - the dressing up with tiaras and fancy dresses and the relentless watching of Disney movies - and talk about how they didn't want to indulge their daughters desire for this type of play. I've always been curious - I mean, I kind of get it but really? I don't understand the problem so someone please illuminate in case I'm going to ruin my daughter.
I understand that we don't want to teach our daughters that they should be hoping for someone to swoop down and fill all their needs and they'll never have to work and birds will brush their hair every morning. But I dressed up like a princess as a child and I never actually thought that I wouldn't have to get a job. As a matter of fact, I don't think I was really worried about getting a job period. I don't want my daughter to think that she needs a man. But I don't have a problem with her wanting a partner to share her life with. When it comes right down to it aren't we really all hoping for a Prince Charming even if he doesn't come with a castle and maid service? (Hell I'll still take the maid service). I think we all want partners in our life that we share everything with, that support our decisions and adore us unconditionally. Not because we'll be wearing pretty dresses but because everyone wants to love and be loved. I don't have a problem with my daughter getting that message out of a Disney movie.
I don't want her to think that she is somehow going to find a way to become Jasmine. Or that she won't have to work hard sometimes. However, who doesn't love the fantasy of a fairy tale life? I get that that isn't a reality but even as a 30-year-old woman I still love the idea of someone being madly in love with me, living in an amazing castle, having a great singing voice and birds that will perch on my hand while I coo at them, and 7 dwarfs that make me a bed encrusted with jewels. It sounds damn good to me. Plus I think that, at this point, our kids are more likely to be duped into believing that they can become rap stars or Hannah Montana than believing that they're going to suddenly discover they're royalty.
I've heard some people say that they don't like the overt girliness of the whole thing. The skirts, bows, shiny crap. I understand but what is wrong with BEING A GIRL? Why have we taken the power out of being a woman? I think that being sensitive and emotional, making decisions with my heart and my head, actually makes me a stronger decision maker than most men I know. Why do so many people think that wanting to be pretty, wanting to be feminine, is a weakness? And if we really think that, why do we spend so much on clothes and shoes and waste so much time on diets and, well, showers? Because it feels good to look good
And I can't figure out what is wrong with that.

Paint it Black

2008-09-18T11:30:00.002-05:00

I've been working on house projects a lot lately. The shower got a lot of attention yesterday so there are walls but still a noticeable lack of tile.
I also decided to buy a lot of black paint and have been hitting all sorts of objects in the house with the stuff. The fireplace insert - now black. The mantle - also black. The vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Black. The window trim in the downstairs bathroom? you guessed it - black. I'm afraid that one may scare people but I think it actually looks pretty neat. The dining room table is now black. It has gotten to the point where O comes home every day and looks around to see if there is anything else that I've painted. He seems to think that I should paint everything in the house black - literally everything. walls, couches, carpets . . . at least we're on the same page.
Other funny things from O:
He was oversleeping one morning so we opened his door thinking some of our noise might rouse him. I went into his room and started opening drawers to get out his clothes for the day and apparently disturbed the little prince. He propped himself up on one arm with his hair hanging in his squinting eyes and grumbled "when someone is sleeping in here you DO NOT COME IN" and threw himself back under his covers. Aaaaaand we skipped from age 3 to 14 overnight.

My favorite book as a child was Oh Were They Ever Happy (by Peter Spier. I'd put a link but it's out of print) and now it happens to be one of O's (which makes me stupid happy). He's been "reading" to us the books that he has mostly memorized (which also makes me stupid happy). One of the pages of the book has a can of paint being dropped on the dog and it reads "Oops. Clumsy. Butterfingers!". Ever since we started reading this book, if some one drops something, trips, anything O yells out "butterfingers you!" (or "butterfingers me!" if it happens to be him).

Last night he couldn't find his bunny for bed. I asked him if he had taken the rabbit to the bathroom earlier and left him in there. He looked at me, hands on his hips and said "I did NOT, Jose-O!". I wondered briefly if I should tell him the phrase is "no way Jose" but his way is funnier. At least for me

There are pictures at the end if you can make it through the post!

2008-09-16T13:05:00.006-05:00

I was talking before about trying to keep things in my life simple and a lot of that is figuring out the right balance and schedule for all things Home and Family. I'm hoping this post will be a way for me to sort through some of that, "think out loud", a bit of a reminder of what I learned after becoming a mom the first time. With the new baby, new schedules and everything else I sometimes feel like I'm thrashing around in the water and I'm trying to remind myself that being in the water is a lot more enjoyable when you float and relax.

When O was born, I felt like everything was A Decision. How did we feel about TV? How did we feel about sugar, processed foods, cooking from scratch? Would I make his baby food myself? Were cloth diapers something we wanted to consider? On and on - you all know the many things we have to make decisions on so I don't need to throw out anymore examples I'm sure. I remember being so anxious and stressed - one wrong decision could mean a disaster to my son's entire future. I don't know why I was convinced that one choice could turn my child into a serial killer or something but everything was such a big deal to me and I was a train wreck. Then, one day when at the doctor for something else entirely, I was weepy and she asked me what was on my mind. I started to tell her about all sorts of things and she looked at me when I was done and said "no one is going to ruin your kid. If you love him and he knows that, you're all going to be fine". For some reason that clicked for me. We've still had to make all the tough calls. We don't watch a lot of TV because I've noticed that O can be hyper after watching a lot of animation. He gets really goofy and loud which is fine but normally that would happen right before bedtime so it's a pain in the arse for us so we just don't watch. We cook almost everything from scratch - but I love to cook and I LOVE to eat and I think things mostly taste better this way. I do think it's healthier and maybe even safer but I have nothing against a good frozen pizza. We tried "crying-it-out" and I'm sure O will not be scarred for life but we stopped when it was too stressful for me. We eat dinner as a family - not because my children will have better attention spans if we do or won't become antisocial hermits or something but just because we like to eat dinner together. We do cloth diapers because it feels right - I don't like going to the store frequently because I just hate going to the store. I care about the environment, I like the feel, I hope Bea will potty train earlier etc but if this becomes difficult or doesn't feel right, we'll switch to disposables. O says please and thank you not because we make him do so to be polite but because we generally speak to each other kindly and that happens to be a part of it. I play on the floor and do crafts but only if I want to. I think that our kids should get from us the things that we enjoy and have meaning for us. I feel like playing on the floor is meaningless if we're just doing it because we think we're supposed to. That's why dad plays hockey and wrestles and I don't - maybe all boys have a higher IQ if they get 20 minutes of horse play a day but I have no desire to do it so tough luck. (I totally made that up so I hope no one out there is wondering where the hell I read that)

I guess I'm trying to say that, for me, things turned around and became generally more balanced when I just went with what FELT right. NOT what logically made sense for our budget, our time, what I thought might inflict less psychological damage on our kids. When I think too much about our decisions, they generally feel wrong because I'm still worried about them even after they've been made. When we just do what comes naturally - comforting a crying baby, cuddling on the couch even if we are watching television (HORRORS!), rocking a baby to sleep, eating healthy food - things just end up working. At least in our house that seems to be the way things go. I listened to my brain too much the last time around. I had to relearn that my gut knew what it was thinking all along and it was right. Now the two are having a bit of a power struggle once again and I need to put my brain back in its place.

Part of balancing for me is also being aware of my mood and making adjustments to our day since I can't easily adjust my hormones. So now, on a Saturday when I feel like the world is caving in because O just won't stop, I can figure out if the problem is really a crabby kid or a moody mom. And when it's a moody mom we just make cookies and everyone is happy when we're done. Seriously the greatest lesson I've learned in the last year is that baking makes me happy even though I suck at it. Making a mess in the kitchen will reset the mood of anyone in our house. And this is usually the end result:

And, since the camera is plugged in, this is the view we get when Bea tries to roll over. yes I said try - she can do it but she'd rather just lay there and blow raspberries. She's not interested in any exercise thank you very much.
Also, help me with this hair style.
The long hairs hanging on her forehead make me think "old man comb over old man comb over" every time I brush her hair and I don't know what to do - should I cut it or something? Slick it back? put a bow in it? OVER THINK IT?

Guess Who

2008-08-28T09:49:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've been away so long I need to come back with something big but, well . . . I've got nothing. So . . . how does a recap sound? Great? GOOD! Guess who in our house did what in the last month

A. In the last month, I started a new "school". I love it but all the changes involved have turned me into a monster for about an hour after I get home. I'm incredibly jealous of my sibling and hate when my parents spend any time not directly focused on me. I'm potty trained!!! but that means that everyone has to come look at my poop when I'm done. I'm having lots of separation anxiety and it makes everyone feel so loved and needed they hope it lasts forever.

B. In the last month, I've decided that my spouse and I should bicker as often as possible to keep things fresh and new. I ripped off our front porch and replaced it. We killed all the plants around where the porch was and I'm enjoying the 3-foot tall weeds that are growing there now. I also tore out our upstairs shower and am loving sharing one bathroom with everyone in the house - it is really bringing us all closer together! Unfortunately, the walls to the shower are being replaced slowly because my spouse, god love 'em, is making it difficult for me to get anything done. So I took my adoring partner on a date . . . to Lowe's. I've planned a camping trip, two golf outings, and multiple other engagements for the next few weekends because I'm trying to see if I can make some one's head explode.

C. In the last month, I knew my parents were planning to go on a date so I got sick and made them take me to the ER. I still have my cold (going on two weeks) so we went to the doctor and found out that I have my first ear infection! Hooray. I LOVE amoxicillin. yum. I've decided that I don't want to sleep through the night anymore and that I should try and make my ride to school at least 30 minutes late every day.

D. In the last month, I decided that my significant other should quit their job, tried to figure out how it would happen financially for 2 weeks, realized that it would suck in so many ways and changed my mind even though the other person was pumped and totally on board. I picked up a pan fresh out of the broiler with my bare hand. Spent a few hours in the ER to get it checked and got a really nifty sling to bring home. Lost my milk supply due to a sick baby and spend 4 days pumping at least every 2 hours during the day to get it back. Have completely stressed over all the changes going on in our house. Realized how blessed and lucky we are to have happy and (mostly) healthy kids. My hormones seem to be stabilizing and things are finally going more smoothly and I'm remembering how it feels to feel good and relaxed again.

In the last few days, as our world was starting to establish it's own normal again, we've received bad news from several places. There are a few blogs I like to read where people have shared their own heartbreaks and I wish there was something, anything, I could do to lessen that pain. We've watched and prayed for a friend's mother who is currently in a coma and recovering from a brain aneurysm. We also learned this morning that a friend of O's that we like to go get ice cream with has a recurring brain tumor. They have had surgeries to remove it in the past and thought that it was all gone. When they went for their last check up, they were hoping to get the all clear for another 6 months but another tumor was found and another, more recent scan, has shown that it has now doubled in size. I know his mom is dreading watching him suffer again with surgeries and recoveries and my heart just aches for them. So if you could, if you do, please keep them all in your prayers.

Simpler

2008-07-28T10:26:00.004-05:00

FYI - I'm going to refer to A as Bea here from now on since we've (my sisters and I) started calling her that. Apparently the name Beatrice would have been more fitting than what we chose. We actually call O "O" so that has never been tricky for me but I may (and have) refer to him as "little man" - please know I mean him and not K (heh heh). Will we need a nickname for K too? Suggestions anyone? Keep it clean y'all

Aaaaaanywho (insert smooth subject change here)

This morning O was eating banana bread that we made together yesterday (for the record, I hate bananas and hate banana bread but even I think this stuff is pretty fantastic (it's from the Best Recipe cookbook and it is one of the easy recipes in there)) and I realized how much I've been missing doing all that stuff with him. We used to spend our weekends relaxing at the house, playing outside, cooking, and making up all sorts of craft projects. We're not afraid of a mess so we've filled huge bins with beans for him to sit in and dig around in, we've hung paper all over the kitchen for him to finger paint with pudding . . . we've done some fun stuff. We used to make everything from scratch if we could (I think people mistook this for some crazy food worry thing but it's really just because I enjoy it). Lately our lives have just been so much more . . . manufactured I guess. There have been boxed rice, bags of chips, and frozen chicken nuggets. They've certainly helped us get by here in a really time-crunched period in our lives but I'm missing how things were. Things felt simpler even if they were actually busier and I felt healthier. I don't want to be nuts about what we eat but I do want to feel good after I eat it. I want that life back and I'm anxious for us to regain it. I'm realizing that this sounds somewhat melancholy but that isn't how I mean it. I feel excited - today I had that taste of what I'm trying to get back to and it feels like it is within reach. This morning I'm remembering that there is so much choice in how things are - that if I want things to be a certain way, it is up to me to make them happen. Instead of lamenting that we couldn't paint all day because we had family obligations, we can say no and stay at home. Instead of buying cookies, we can bake on a Saturday morning when Bea takes a nap. I'm happier making cars and rockets out of cardboard boxes than I am playing with a plastic Buzz Lightyear. I'm making it a goal for myself to slow down and enjoy more with my kids. I'm going to think of new games, crafts, cooking and home projects that we can enjoy together and if I stumble upon anything great I'll share them here with you. It's certain to be harder with two kids but I had a small taste of that this morning, a memory of how much simpler and happier things felt before, and I know it will be worth getting back.

2008-07-22T12:44:00.003-05:00

Things here are this weird combination of great moments and really emotionally draining and sad moments. We're all on edge it seems and I can't seem to make time for half the things I want to do (such as returning comments - I'm sorry!). Looking back, I know this time is a roller coaster ride for me and I'm trying to accept that. I know daycare issues are going to crop up because, quite simply, I wish I could be at home with my kids (while I simultaneously know that I love and want the arrangement that we have now and that that isn't the choice I would make even if it were possible). So, in summary, the daycare issues are really my issues. Unfortunately, there are other issues and I'm sad and distracted and my feelings are often hurt. I was going to write something about how the trouble with not asking for what you want is that you often don't get what you want. It has been a struggle for me to simply ask for things rather than hope that someone will love me enough or just "get me" enough to know exactly what I want and need. I have realized that I don't live with a bunch of mind readers and so I'm putting my requests out there in plain English. The problem now becomes that sometimes you ask for exactly what you want and you still don't get it. This is the reason why I had trouble asking in the first place so, in some way, the unfulfilled request to me feels like a statement of worth - that I'm not worth the trouble or the energy, that someone couldn't be bothered to remember. I'm trying to remember that when I ask for something of my husband and it doesn't happen that it isn't because he doesn't care for me - that it might be because he is a father of two small children, a full time employee, a man that wants to go out and get a drink with his buddies . . . but it doesn't feel that way. So I'm sitting here wondering how exactly I get the things I need in the situation I'm in. I think the short answer here is plain and simple - everyone in our house needs more sleep. I wish I could at least blame that part on the baby but she sleeps from 8:30 PM until 6:30 AM every night (I know - don't hate me). I believe that there are solutions or at least improvements that can be made in just about every bad situation but right now I don't know what they are and I can't figure them out. I made a diaper bag a couple of weeks ago. It was a bigger project and the first sewing project I'd ever undertaken without any kind of pattern. I dreamed about how I was going to put pouches in and planned how I would make the changing pad that would match. I loved the fabric. I worked hard and I was proud of it. Last night K spilled something all down the side. Something stinky. But he forgot all about it and now it is stained and smelly. I discovered this while packing it up for the day and I was sad and disappointed, hurt and angry. Maybe it's hormones but I feel like I have the right to be upset when something I like gets messed up and to be frustrated that he didn't tell me. He feels like he has the right to not want to feel like shit so I shouldn't make him feel any worse than he does. The struggle for me here is who wins out. When he doesn't hear what I'm saying and my feelings are hurt, when he complains that we don't go out but won't make plans or call a babysitter himself and I feel like I'm not worth the effort, when I get dressed up and only my 3-year-old notices, when he forgets something I asked him to do, in any number of situations that comes up - who loses? Is it supposed to be me that sucks it up and keeps quiet about feeling like crap? Because if I say something I feel guilty for making him feel bad when overall he's so wonderful. Plus he gets defensively mad in the way that anyone does when they feel guilty and someone is giving them hell. I'm trying to figure this one out but I really don't know how things are supposed to go - it just feels like a lose/lose no matter what I do.

Asking Nicely

2008-07-17T11:05:00.003-05:00

It seems too early to already have a problem with the way our daycare is doing something so lets just pretend I don't and that I'm randomly asking this in case an issue comes up in the future mmmkay?
The first time we did this whole daycare thing I was a nut job. I blame being a first timer and wicked PPD which we have so far escaped (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on wood). I would walk in and O would have a blanket near him and I'd flip out about whether it was possible for him to suffocate and would come home crying. I'm not that bad this time but I know that things are going to bother me occasionally. With O, normally I wouldn't say anything because I knew that I was usually overreacting and getting upset over nothing. But then the problem would be that, with some things, I would want to bring it up later or ask someone to do something differently and I would feel like my chance had passed. The women watching A are incredibly nice and will do absolutely anything we ask but I still feel weird telling them what to do. Especially when a subject has already come up, I feel mean and disagreeable when I later tell them I don't like what they're doing. Like I'm being critical and annoying. And I don't want them to hate my kid because her mother is a pain in the a. So what do I do? I want to ask them to do something differently than they are. It is just a preference for me. I brought something up this morning, got an answer I wasn't expecting and let it pass. Now I wish I'd just said something at the time - it could have been totally smooth and easy if I'd done it that way. I'm currently thinking about being a chicken and letting my husband pretend he didn't know a thing about it and have him bring it up the next time HE drops A off in the morning. AM A WUSS I KNOW. But I'm going to have to get over this aren't I? Is there any nice way to bring things up without making people feel criticized (really I think I just don't to feel awkward - I'm a brat)? Oh hell - they probably don't even care and I'm waaay over thinking the whole thing.
Ugh - I'll try and post something fun tomorrow. We're having a BBQ in the office and I know someone is bringing in alcohol so maybe I'll post at work while drinking and I will ponder anew how I lucked out in the job department . . .

craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap

2008-07-15T11:10:00.001-05:00

Am back at work for day 2
Yesterday was ok
Today is awful
Send Kleenex

Been wondering about the Baby?

2008-07-03T15:32:00.003-05:00

I have sat down and started multiple posts but SOMEONE won't let me finish them . . .

That someone makes cheese in her arm pits

belches like she's at a kegger

saves her poops for days at a time and makes some pretty nasty farts

has a case of cradle cap that just won't die no matter what I try

is sick of me scraping at her scalp

screams like a banshee whenever tummy time comes around

that someone was also hiding some crusty stuff behind her ears that I just found (I swear we wash her but apparently not well enough . . .)

Sounds adorable right?

Am Officially Old

2008-06-30T08:13:00.003-05:00

Well not really. Birthdays don't really bother me but I'm officially in my 30's now. Saturday was my birthday and it was nice and exhausting, We had our first babysitter for both kids in the morning and were thinking of going fishing but ended up going to breakfast and hitting some estate sales. We got an amazing deal on a huge tub of electric trains (tracks, stations and all sorts of stuff) for $10. Later both kids fell asleep on the way to my parents and K and I got to go swimming all by ourselves. We both swam without worrying about someone drowning! All in all it was a great weekend but yesterday was a little rough.
I woke up yesterday and let K sleep in a little. When A woke up, I nursed her and then still needed to pump. I figured what the hay - I'll pump more than I otherwise would and then we can give her a bottle this morning which led to realizing that I could leave the house without her. The decision was made to take O to the zoo. We had a really great time but he was a wreck when we were back around everyone else and he had to share me. I know part of this was being tired but it almost seemed like we would have been better off NOT having alone time so that the contrast of being home wasn't so huge. He's been off for the last two weeks - whiny and more tantrums - and it is driving me crazy. I actually started snapping at him last night which I almost never do and I felt terrible. So now I have to figure out a way to prepare him for coming back home and sharing me with his sister if we do manage to get out and do anything fun. I'm assuming that nixing alone time isn't the answer although it would have been a perfectly acceptable one for me last night. Also doesn't help that A will sit on a boob for 6 hours straight if she has been away from me at all so the beginning of daycare/back to work stage should be a BLAST. Anyways - if anyone has any ideas on making my kid not a whining ball of snot these days, I'd love to hear it. I think no more week nights at grandma's, no more weddings, and no more skipping naps would take us a long way. Also helpful would be me feeling better. My bad mood may have been helped along by whatever had me horking at 4 this morning. Who knows.
I had so many posts in mind 5 days ago and now I've forgotten what all of them are. must . . . get . . . some . . . sleep
Also - my birthday present from K is a painting of the kids that someone he works with is doing but it wasn't finished yet. I'm supposed to get to see it tonight so I'm crossing my fingers that it turned out well since I'm dying to see it!

Highlights/Lowlights

2008-06-24T13:05:00.005-05:00

So we survived the wedding. Here is the recap - we'll do the Highlights last so that we can end on the positive here.

The Bad:

Thursday morning we got a message at 10:30 am (the day of the rehearsal) from K's uncle. It says "we know we haven't called you so [your aunt] and I hope this isn't the first you've heard of this but the rehearsal is tonight at 4 blah blah blah see you there!". We got this message around oh . . . 10:00 pm. So I'm left wondering do these people understand that most people have jobs? Unless I'm mistaken they hold down some themselves. They also neglected to mention that dinner was at the groom's parents' house and would be a POOL PARTY. O was a little ticked that he didn't get to swim.

A screamed all the way home from the rehearsal and then for an hour after we got home. My babies don't like being overstimulated. I called my mom and asked her to babysit the next night. (also - we got asked by a random family friend if she could "take a little walk" with A. She was a pediatric nurse and loved babies and was sorry if it was weird that she was asking because we didn't know her. ummmmm . . . . NO)

We agreed to drive wherever the wedding party was for pictures in exchange for him missing out on some during his nap. We start driving and call them. No one answers. We finally get a hold of the flower girl's parents after calling around for cell numbers. We are told to meet everyone in New Town. It's about 20 minutes or so past the church. We get to the sign that says "3,000 feet to New Town!" and receive a phone call that they are leaving and we can just meet them at the church.

O decided he wanted to ride the party bus to the reception (the music was loud and he hated it and the bus driver almost killed us all but whatev). It was a good thing he did though because no one had mentioned that the kids would be announced and parade in with the wedding party. If we hadn't gone in the bus he would have been sitting there listening to the DJ say his name while he sipped a juice box and K and I said "whoops".

Since we came in with the wedding party, we came in last. We had nowhere to sit. (can you see the theme with this weding?) The lovely woman who was running the show did manage to get us prime seats in the end (close to the BAR).

The Good:

O was so excited and looked so handsome in his tux.

The flowers were his favorite color and he was thrilled with his rose.

The flower girl was one of K's cousins and she and O just love each other.

The aisle walk was cute. The flower girl forgot to throw her petals and O froze at one point when he couldn't find K in the crowd. She did throw her petals on the way out of the church and the O tried to help her pick them back up so she wouldn't lose them.

The DANCING!!! At one point both kids were break dancing. was awesome and funny.
O went until he dropped. Fortunately once he was worn out he let me slow dance with him.

We had a babysitter so no diaper bags, no nursing - just the three of us having a really great time.

I had alcohol . Twas good.

LOTS of family. K has a massive family and they were almost all there so I got to see my two favorite aunts that live far away. I really love his family and they are a TON of fun. In the end, it was totally worth it and we all had a blast.

But I'm praying none of the other cousins ever ask again . . .

Wedding Prop

2008-06-19T14:09:00.004-05:00

My son has been asked to be in a wedding as the ring bearer. The bride is K's cousin. She saw O at another bridal shower, thought he was cute and wanted him in the wedding. K said yes.
Last week we heard from my MIL something about the rehearsal starting at 4 and I'm thinking hmmm that sucks. I'll have to get O out there because K is working. So I say to K something along the lines of "you get off early on Friday but will you still need me to bring him out to you?" and my MIL says "you mean Thursday". OHHO hooray! The wedding is FRIDAY the rehearsal is THURSDAY. so I'm miffed that we're spending $70 on a tux so that O can be in someone's wedding that he doesn't know and now I have to drive him out there on Thursday instead of sitting on my butt. I recognize that this is lazy and selfish so I'm only mildly complaining.
I ask K the next day to email the bride since we don't know when the rehearsal is and we haven't officially heard the times we need to be places and I would like to make sure that O is there when they want him for pictures on Friday. Wedding is at 6 and I'm assuming they'll want him there around 5. It's an hour away in NOT rush hour traffic so I'm going to have to have both kids ready and in the car around 3:30 or 4 which blows. Then I get the really good news. They forgot to call us oh Whoops! but they actually would like O there to ride the party bus and be in pictures STARTING AT 2. Hell to the no I say. My 3-year-old cannot handle skipping his nap, sitting in a car for an hour then a bus for 4 hours getting his picture taken in clothes he can't get dirty and then be expected to walk down an aisle nicely. I think we've made alternate arrangements and will be getting there closer to 4 so hopefully everyone is happy. Unfortunately we went to get the tux last night and they ordered O size 8 MENS shoes. I would have loved to see him walk down the aisle in those (seriously - would have been totally funny). The shoe situation is also worked out. So now I'm getting ready to pick up O and take him out to the rehearsal. Lesson learned - no more weddings.
Also - A got shots yesterday and cried all afternoon. Wish us luck that tonight goes smoothly or I may be medicating with percocet and drinking wine in the bathtub at 2 am.
Just kidding - we're out of good wine right now.

Potty Talk

2008-06-17T14:16:00.003-05:00

The summary of my entire existence right now:
O discovered the joy of standing and urinating on people's trees this weekend and shall we just say he LUUUHVES IT.
A hasn't pooped in 6 days.

Drama Queen

2008-06-03T11:21:00.003-05:00

I was reading the comments and then rereading my last post and realizing how um . . . shall we say whiny and overreacting I sounded. I think I tend to do that quite a bit. I know there are times I sound all stressed out and convinced that the world is ending when really, generally, when things are crazy here I'm usually ok with it. I might be slightly crankier but I actually tend to think it is funny when crap really starts to hit the fan. So I'm hanging on just fine I promise - I just like to bitch about stuff.
As an update and addendum to a bunch of that crap -

grandma is here and she is mean. I think it is a hilarious. (emotional cripple here) The only thing bothering me is that she is really starting to get under my dad's skin and he has been The Rock through this whole situation. Seeing him get mad is a clear sign that this is really actually That Bad - my mom tends to be that way anyways since my grandma is always under her skin. Her truck with her stuff comes on Wednesday so at least the 24 Hour Criticism Fest should end then. And if we have to hear about how she should have packed more of the baskets from the floral arrangements at my uncle's funeral (over ten years ago) that were sitting in her basement, I think someone is going to blow (and maybe we should take bets on who that will be)
The baby has a really crappy crabby period every night and we spend about 2 hours doing cluster feeds, baths and foot rubs about every night. She LOVES having her feet rubbed. She could be in a full on melt down and if you put lotion on her feet and rub up from heel to toe she'll just stop and bat her eyes at you. I'm thinking spoiled already.
but I'm not complaining because (I'm totally whispering this here lest I ruin it completely) she is sleeping more than 7 hours at nights for the last 3 nights. Wow that's small - good luck reading it. But really, so far she is a great sleeper. I'm totally aware this could end any day and that's just fine - I'm just enjoying catching up a little while I can.
I managed to rip out the band on the gown in a little less than 4 hours. I did salvage the lace and resew everything. Thank the Lord on high. I just need to put the hem up on it. AND I like it so much that I actually don't WANT to embroider it. So the little design I'm working on I think I will embroider on another dress for her. That's right - I want to make another one. Even while I'm bitching about how horrible it is and wanting to poke my eyes out I'm really enjoying the whole thing tremendously and thinking about when I'll start the whole miserable process all over again. Only this time the fabric will be cheaper and the dress won't be 3 feet long.
I'm not sure what to do with myself. O is back in school this week and the christening gown is done. At some point this weekend we'll have to make food for the party but my job is currently to make a rye bread bowl. That would be a what? 10 minute job? I'm used to cooking for days for this crap. I was listening to the menu plans and thinking it is going to be a bizarre mish-mash but who cares? Anyone out there have some appetizer/side dish that you just can't have a party without? Seriously I need to do more than that or I'm going to feel like I'm forgetting to do something the whole weekend.
I have a gap between my front teeth. My mother told me when I was younger that the dentist told her it was unfixable (something about a bone chip in my gums or something). Hello liar! Not only is it fixable, but they can do it with a retainer. In about 4 months. And it will cost less than I thought. Now my mom has always said that she knew a woman who fixed the gap in her teeth and everyone always said she lost so much personality with it (maybe this was just an attempt to ease her own guilt for being a LIAR) but I do worry about that. K thinks it would be really weird for it to be gone after all this time but to do whatever I want - basically he couldn't care less (and really why would anyone but me care as this is a purely vain thing on my part). So my questions are a) should I go for it and fix it so that I can smile in pictures without trying to hide my teeth? b) should I whiten my teeth first? (I think the answer to that is NO but my dentist asked since we talked about it a long time ago and if I get this done and it requires bonding on any teeth I will never be able to whiten them later . . .)
Being in this house all the time is making me want to redecorate. I'm revising my stance on keeping our nasty couch as long as we can stand it. I also have big plans for repainting and decorating our downstairs bathroom as soon as I pick a paint color and some fabric. Yeehaw. Maternity leave redecorating . . . LOVE IT. oh - I'm supposed to be bonding with the baby you say? whoops . . . I'm doing that too I promise. She sleeps sometimes so it must be love I say

Ok so I'm off to read all your stuff. There are over 200 things in my reader! That should keep me busy for awhile. Can't wait to stop by and visit you all assuming the screen on this computer doesn't go black for awhile as it has a habit of doing . . .

Wish you were here!

2008-05-30T11:39:00.009-05:00

Here with me in my own personal little hell that is. Things have been a little crazy here.
This week O has had skin testing done on Wednesday and this here below on Tuesday:

That would be him at the dentist. School was closed Monday for the holiday and then yesterday and today for "Professional Development" so I just kept him out all week since we had appointments Tuesday and Wednesday. It's been fun (SARCASM). It wouldn't be bad but A tends to interrupt every time he and I start doing something and he's getting frustrated and sad about it. If he was having temper tantrums I'd be annoyed but he's being sad and sweet about it so it just breaks my heart and sends me on a huge friggin' guilt trip.

My sister and I wanted to have the girls' baptisms together and they have a whole bunch of my brother-in-law's family in town for a wedding so she wanted to do it that same weekend. Which just happens to be NEXT WEEKEND. We finally settled on this about a week and a half ago. I wanted to make the baptismal gown (because I'm nuts) which means not much time for sewing and I seriously underestimated how much time would actually be involved in what I had been planning. So, in addition to having O home all week, I'm trying to sew a dress. He's not very happy with me. And this here is where we're at on the gown.

That right there is over $120 in fabric and lace and the BEST PART IS that I just cut hole in the bottom band right in the front while finishing up the VERY LAST SEAM. The band on the bottom in between the two pieces of lace will have to be ripped out and replaced and now I want to cry and jump out a window but our windows aren't high enough for me to do more than just break a leg or something. I have ripped out every seam at least once. The lace has to be straight stitched, zig-zagged and then zigged again.There was supposed to be embroidery involved in my original plan but the further I get into this the less I want to do that. Not only because I'm running short on time but if I screw it up it ruins the whole dress and I have waaaaay too much time invested in that thing now.
and AND the kicker to all of this? My parents just moved my Grandma here from New York. As of 4 this morning she is an official resident of the Lou. While she is funny and provides plenty of story fodder (you can read more here and here), she is also mean. So we have that to look forward to. And for some stupid reason I thought I would make them all dinner tonight for when they got into town and now I have to get all that done. Unfortunately the menu is already planned (plus it is her first big meal here) so I can't just whip out some pizza rolls on them all and will actually be roasting a chicken at some point today. What the hell was I thinking? Unfortunately that is a phrase that seems to be repeated far too often in our house lately . . . Not that I'm usually very good about it anyways but please pardon the abrupt ending here as I need to get to the grocery store.

I just wanted to say that I miss you all!

One Week

2008-05-15T09:27:00.002-05:00

Of course yesterday's appointment was fine. The kids were totally well behaved. O sat and played, colored and talked for the HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES we were in the waiting room. He even told me when he needed to potty and didn't pee-pee on the floor!!! We were there for over 2 hours. I was getting ready to walk out and never return when we finally got called back. And then we saw his doctor and I remembered why I adore him and will put up with almost anything to see him. We went over the sleep study results for real yesterday and it turns out that I was officially Not Being Crazy. He absolutely does stop breathing in his sleep. However, he never drops his oxygen levels so they aren't worried. Apparently it is "an immature breathing pattern" and he'll probably grow out of it. Meanwhile, it's still weird when he stops breathing in his sleep. So I'm a dolt for being worried about going out with two kids. It was fine. I'm sure sometimes it will suck but I keep forgetting that it doesn't HAVE to go perfectly smoothly - I just have to get everyone home alive at the end of the day and everything will be fine.
So the real point of this post was going to be something entirely different and here it is:
I go to the doctor in one week and, assuming all goes well, I should get the go ahead to resume normal activities. After this appointment, I would like to start a new exercise "program" or "routine" or whatever you want to call it. I'm also going to "diet" - which essentially means we're going back to eating good basic foods (mostly nothing boxed or colors not found in nature - oooooh cheetos how I'll miss you). I'm still going to eat bacon so there. The food isn't a problem. I like to cook, I know what is healthy and what isn't and I own a ridiculous number of cookbooks that all tend to be pretty healthy so we're good there. Also, summer means Farmer's Markets and there certainly aren't as many temptations there. The problem is I have no idea what to do on the exercising front so that it is most effective for weight loss. I want to start running but I'm overweight, have asthma, a wonky knee and it makes my boobs hurt so we're not there yet. I have a stationary bike, love yoga (and O will actually do yoga with me). I'd like to do more with free weights but I'm really not sure how to start with that at home. Basically I need someone to tell me what to do, for how long and on what days. I'm also wondering if anyone has any opinion on TurboJam (I keep seeing the infomercial somehow and I'm starting to get sucked in). I will actually do workouts that thoroughly kick my butt but the music has to be good and the people who make the videos have to not suck (i.e. NO Denise Austin since she is WAY too perky for me). So any recommendations? Anyone just want to to be my trainer and create a program for me since I'm completely at a loss? I'll even try stuff out and review it here if anyone is interested (will that help my justify expenses to my husband?) Also - I am not joining a gym at this time. I don't want the expense when I'm betting that I can do pretty much anything from home as long as it doesn't involve an elliptical or a rowing machine. Now I guess I'm asking for two things - 1) advice on what to do and how often and 2) any videos or workouts you're interested in but haven't tried that I should look in to and tell you if it suuuuucks. And yes I know the key is just to move more blah blah blah - I like lists and plans and I'll do better if I make myself stick to some sort of schedule so please make one for me!

Appointments

2008-05-14T11:58:00.003-05:00

I'm not really sure what I was thinking but I scheduled several appointments for the next two weeks. One is today for O's pulmonary doctor. Part of me wants to cancel since he is doing fine but I guess we should see the doctor since I've taken him off almost all of his medicines. However, I'm nervous. Mostly I'm nervous because this will be the first time I've taken both kids anywhere by myself. It will be crowded, there are trains that hang from the ceiling that O likes to run under and I'm afraid I'm going to lose him, I'm worried that A will have to nurse at an inopportune moment and I don't know if I can get O to just sit around while I nurse, things are still a little sore and I'm wondering if this is going to make that worse and I hate taking A into O's school to pick him up because all the kids want to touch. Fortunately the teachers always herd the kids back so that shouldn't be too awful. It isn't fun to put multiple kids, pumpkin seats and bags in the car though. I'm also nervous because I don't know what to wear. I've been pretty much living in pajamas and I would just go in them but the pants that are clean have pumpkins all over them and I don't need the doctor to think I'm totally off my rocker. I haven't really tried to wear any of my clothes yet so I have no idea if anything fits over this muffin top. I have 2 and a half hours to get dressed and, I feel stupid but, I think I need to start getting ready now.
Our next appointment is to the dentist for O and I BOTH to get our teeth cleaned. Teeth cleaning with a newborn and a toddler should be AWESOME. I hope I have 15 cavities so I can truly enjoy the experience to the fullest.

Can I Be a Total Poo Head Here?

2008-05-12T14:40:00.004-05:00

I should not be complaining since I should have had an awesome day yesterday but I think I ruined it for myself. At some point K called about my ring and it wasn't ready even though they said it would be. He was crabby and stompy afterwards even though it certainly wasn't a huge deal. We were both tired and kept thinking that the other was snapping and being cranky. He tried to let me sleep in but O kept running his cars into doors and yelling and A kept nursing and grunting. And then I decided that I should shop online at Gymboree since they had their 30% off sale this weekend. And then I needed to hit American Apparel. And then I bought two more of my favorite diaper covers. And by then I was wide awake. O and K went to get breakfast and came back with a hydrangea plant as well (LOVE LOVE IT). When O was napping, K fixed our front door so that you can open it without swearing at it for 15 minutes. I had asked him to do it but I didn't mean right then and had several other things I would have preferred at the time so I was bummed about that. The first floor was generally messy and I had it in my head that I had to clean it so I did thinking if everyone pitched in, it would be done really quickly but it never really got done.

Overall, I think I was disappointed because there were many gifts and errands completed but I just wanted to get to hang out with my kids! I know that sometimes I just need a planned outing or something if I'm going to tear myself away from all the things that are on my mind like dishes and laundry and I thought my husband knew that too (especially since I flat out said that all I wanted was a family outing). So I was pissy that I would have preferred a planned trip to the gardens or a park instead of a present. But he did offer to make me bacon for lunch! And we took a walk to the ice cream place after dinner since I begged. We got O a cone and spent some time all together and he held my hand while we walked and he pushed the stroller. And AND he made this for dessert while I was putting O to bed (more begging). That stuff is AMAZING and highly recommended by me. Don't look if you're on a diet. I would never have eaten this if I didn't have the calorie burning boost of breastfeeding right now.

Things I Forgot

2008-05-09T13:40:00.002-05:00

how hard it is to pull a newborn's arms into their sleeves
that you will hear your kid poop from across the house (maybe this is just my kids?)
how much your boobs hurt when they're engorged
that breastpads will take over your house and you will start finding them in random places
how lopsided I look when I've just nursed on one side and it has been a while for the other (my left side seriously looks a whole cup size AT LEAST larger right now and I'm feeling distinctly lopsided)
how much it sucks to wear a bra 24 hours a day . . .
Mother's Day

Yes I forgot Mother's Day and have planned nothing for my mom. I know we don't have plans at our house but there is a gift. My son walked in the house the other night and said "mommy we're fixing your ring for you" so I now know that my mother's ring is having the birthstone for our latest addition added. K is not pleased that someone spilled the beans after he was coached to keep it a surprise. He's three - I'm surprised K expected anything less. Especially after O told me all about my Christmas present just 5 months ago. So maybe I'll get to target in the next 2 days so that I can purchase something lame for my mom. I hope K got something for his mom . . . at least she is out of town so I have more time. Seriously people - I don't even know what day it is anymore. I can not be counted on to make holiday arrangements.

Dropped Balls: Quilt Edition

2008-05-08T08:33:00.005-05:00

Quilt for the baby from Granny (my MIL):

Quilt for the baby from me:

Whoops
In case you're wondering, this is pretty indicative of how just about everything is going around here. That giant vegetable garden that was supposed to feed us all summer? It's a giant patch of grass and weed. We need a new front porch and that is taking priority (not that anything is actually DONE on the porch - we're just thinking about it first). The privacy fence is 3/4 of the way finished in the back. The rest is sitting it a mud puddle in our driveway. The molding that has been planned for the upstairs bathroom? Still waiting 2 - no wait 3!! - years later. I've been talking about touching up the paint in our bedroom since we painted it 4 years ago. I started painting a table in our kitchen the other day and had to stop because someone wanted to nurse. And don't ask me WHY I started painting it - I have no idea. I just thought it might look pretty in white. This time of year always makes me want a clean, completely finished house and, lacking anything even remotely of the sort, I'm sort of wanting to bulldoze the whole thing down. I don't even want to think about the piles of fabric and knitting that are waiting for me in my basement . . .

How to Choose a Sewing Machine

2008-05-02T12:40:00.002-05:00

I'm currently sitting in my room listening to someone somewhere's phone conversation over our baby monitor. Oh the joys of being at home with a gassy baby - the excitement JUST WON'T STOP. she's talking about going to the grocery store with someone aaaaaaand now she lost me.

So I decided this morning that I would really like a new sewing machine. Mine is a "only fit for projects that are horribly simple and done with cotton fabric" type machine. It won't handle fine stitching, fine fabrics or heavy fabrics without much manipulation (AND CURSING AND DRINKING). I'd really like to do some french lace fancy stuff on a christening gown so I need a different machine to do it on. (Sidenote: I've decided that each child should have their own baptismal gown so that they can use it on their kids should they ever desire that in the future and since I made O's now I feel like I should make this one as well - is that dumb?). Anyways - if you find yourself in the market for a new sewing machine you should NOT call the fancy shmancy store and ask for recommendations, tell them you need nothing elaborate on the machine, hear them say they could give you the lowest of the low, stripped down model of Bernina and then still be surprised and throw up in your mouth a little when they tell you it is $1899. but BUT you can finance it for no payments no interest for 15 months if you come in in the next 3 days.
And so I will be stealing my mother's sewing machine while she is sleeping tonight. It's payback for bringing over baby chicks last night and making my son think he was GETTING TO KEEP ONE. ugh chickens are filthy and stinky . . . but so cute and fluffy!

To Coil or Not to Coil?

2008-05-01T07:53:00.004-05:00

K's grandma came over a little while back to meet the new baby. We were chatting nicely and coherently (which is getting somewhat rare with her) when she asked how things were going this time around. I briefly said that things were much easier and calmer this time and then she hit me with "yes . . . by the time you have the fifth one you'll be amazed at how easy the labor is". I quickly said (SHOUTED) "oh we're DONE". She smiled knowingly and shook her head. Then I realized the woman is a good old Catholic, she has 11 kids - she probably thinks that we're doing the good old Catholic thing and not using any birth control, the God grant me the serenity to accept however many children you decide to heap upon me thing. She does not realize that people in this house ARE GETTING THINGS SNIPPED. Oh my lord she thinks I'm going to have at least 5 kids!!! Oh Lord have mercy NO NO NO. She raised 9 boys and 2 girls so it is no wonder she is losing her mind. 9 BOYS!!! Also - I'm not Catholic so HA.
So I was reminded of all that last night when I started thinking about birth control. We're not quite there right now no matter what but it's never too early to start planning the demise of your fallopian tubes. We were originally planning to go the vasectomy route. We went so far as to switch K to my insurance so we wouldn't have to pay for it. Then my doctor hit me with another option while I was in the hospital. Please forgive me if I get some of the details wrong but apparently you can have a procedure done (it's been around about 7 years, he's been doing it for 5) where they insert a metal coil into each of your tubes. After about 3 months I think, scar tissue grows around it and it completely blocks your tubes off. It is supposed to be more effective than anything else and/but is entirely permanent. I sort of like the idea that the vasectomy could be reversed even though I know I would rather adopt if we ever wanted a third child anyways. And I wonder if there will be some weird hormone problem they discover 20 years down the road or something. I'm just not really comfortable with the whole thing - but my doctor is all about protecting the male bits apparently because he gave us a huge speech about the risk of infection and all the discomfort with a vasectomy . . .
Any opinions? I'm sure K would gratefully accept your support of the coil.
I am not having 11 children!

Alternating Day

2008-04-30T07:54:00.004-05:00

I'm apparently pulling a happy day/sad day thing here. So I guess I owe you all something cheerful and not so much whining ungrateful baby today.
I'm not very proud of that last post and, since the tone isn't in keeping with this blog OR my "real life", I'm thinking of deleting it in spite of the fact that I know that is supposed to be bad bloginess. Too bad. That post is probably bound for the toilet.
In the interest of making this much more enjoyable for all I give you conversations with O, pictures, and I will ask for advice yet again.

O upon the first time seeing me nurse his sister:
O: what are you doing?
Me: I'm feeding your sister. She is nursing
O: is that . . . . your elbow???

a few minutes later:
O: is she . . . eating you?
And as I realize that my poor son is probably picturing my torso gradually being ingested by his new sibling I realize that we probably could have prepared him better for the whole nursing thing.

PICTURES!!! of the baby making silly faces:

Advice Needed:

We have tons of books that we bought for O. Books are the one thing I feel no guilt spending money on and I love book stores. Now we have another child and all the books are in O's room. It would probably be beneficial to the new child's development if we eventually start reading to her as well. Because I'm lazy, I've considered buying her all her own books (even duplicating favorites) but that really seems stupid and wasteful (because it is). I don't want to constantly be shuffling books from room to room and I don't want to deal with someone wanting a particular book and having to look for it and not knowing which room it is in. If the ages were different, once O is older, this will kind of fix itself I'm sure but in the meantime . . . what do I do? We already have like 13 copies of Goodnight Gorilla because it is O's favorite so we're good there but what about the other hundreds of books? I'm sure A will love The Cat in the Hat just as much as O but we'll never know if it never leaves his room . . .

Can I Get a Hell Yeah?!?

2008-04-25T08:24:00.003-05:00

Ugh - things have been melancholy here lately haven't they? Well - not today. I wanted to apologize, before I forget, for not being in the comments anywhere much (here or on your blog). I'm trying to keep up but someone never stops eating. I read the blogs of anyone who has ever commented here and then some so my reader is about ready to explode . . .

AAAaaaaanywhooooo

There are two things that I've been doing nearly every day since A was born and today they both made me very happy.

The first is try on my wedding rings. I haven't been able to wear them in over a month but they are on my fingers now. I'm actually afraid to leave them on since K will kill me if I have to have the new ring cut off but I'm elated that I can technically wear them again - even if it's only for 10 minutes at a time.

The second is to weigh myself. I really wasn't worried about trying to lose weight right away but breastfeeding is making it happen for me. I was up about 20 pounds when she was born. Yesterday I weighed and I was only .8 above my pre-pregnancy weight. I was stoked and, had I had time, you would have heard all about it then. But this is more fun - today I'm actually .8 BELOW. I've officially, in less than 2 weeks, lost all my pregnancy weight. I don't mean to be a braggy pain in the a@* but I'm rather excited. However, I still have the ridiculous inner tube of excess skin and I still look heavier than I did before I got pregnant the second time. BUT STILL!!! I'm rather happy. I guess my new diet plan is just to breastfeed because I'm certainly not exercising and, while I'm eating healthy (um . . . mostly), I'm probably eating a bit too much. So the first picture for my weight loss challenge for myself will be taken this Saturday. At least that way when I post it here I can tell myself that I look worse than I previously had because of the extra skin. stupid tangent there - I'M BACK TO MY PRE-PREGNANCY WEIGHT!
Have a great weekend everyone!

This Ride

2008-04-23T09:09:00.002-05:00

One Week Ago:
I'm standing in our kitchen, all white and green and filled with bright sunshine. Everything feels springy and light. My beautiful son plays in the living room on his own with his cars and I enjoy hearing the dialogue he invents in his game. I'm holding a charming baby girl in my arms. "I can't believe we have a girl!" I say to my husband and I beam up at him. He smiles back, hugs me and kisses me. This life feels perfect and happy and just amazing.

Yesterday:
My son is a tornado of noise and flailing limbs. I'm scared that one of the many times he trips will end in disaster for the tiny baby in my arms. The smallest things make me worried as well as the big things too. Like the leaf of the table my son put out so that he could hide underneath. Only he forgot it was out later and ran right into it giving himself a nasty bump right under his eye and what I'm sure will be a fabulous bruise. I cry over everything. My husband is working on the garage roof and I am indoors with two children. One who wants my undivided attention and another who wants to nurse every 30 minutes. I've done too much and my whole body aches. I know that I was happy a week ago - almost ridiculously so - but while I remember being that way, I can't remember how it feels to actually be happy.

Last night:
My son has grown half an inch in less than 12 days by the marks on the kitchen wall and he seems unfamiliar to me much of the time. I hate feeling this way about him. But I put him to sleep at night every night so that we can have our time together. After the stories are told and I think he is dropping off, I feel a hand on my cheek. There is a whispered I love you in my ear and chubby hands are caressing my face. I remember who this child is - how kind and sweet he is and how much I adore him. I open my eyes and see the largest smile, beautiful blue green eyes and tousled blond hair. I remember how lucky I am, remember to feel grateful and remember how to feel happy. And I hope that he knows the tears that are leaking down my face are because I'm so happy and not because I'm sad.

Today:
I'm sitting in bed knowing I should sleep. The baby is sleeping. The house is quiet. I'm tired. I've forgotten how much nursing a baby, one who gets cranky at 3 am and won't go back to sleep, can be. I know that sleep is the biggest thing contributing to my mood swings and I'm praying they end soon. Truthfully this ride is already much smoother than the last one but I keep praying that I continue to get beautiful moments to remind me what good feels like until this roller coaster stops.

Birth Story #2

2008-04-21T09:29:00.003-05:00

Finally! I've been wanting to write this down for a week so that I have some record of it somewhere. I could put it in A's journal where it belongs but the blog wins. At least now I'll have an account to look back at when I get around to doing her baby book when she's 30.

Some of you may remember that we took a trip to the hospital the Thursday before she was born because of some dripping fluid. It was nothing - just fluid from losing a plug. It kept up until Saturday evening and mostly stopped. We went out to dinner at the restaurant that I said we needed to go at least once while I was pregnant. At 2 am I woke up and things were dripping again. I assumed it was the same thing and ignored it. I said I would call my doctor when I woke up. I thought I was being silly so I hemmed and hawed for an hour and finally called my doctor around 7 am. He said "if anything is dripping you should get it checked". My sister came to watch O and we were at the hospital by 8 am.
I was sure we weren't staying but they did an exam to see if I was ruptured. The doctor said it did look like amniotic fluid but there wasn't much so she could be wrong. So we waited for the results. The nurses walked back in with their arms loaded with stuff and said we were staying! I was absolutely shocked - I'd actually considered getting dressed while we waited so we could just head back out to the car. The nurses were surprised too. One was a student and was great, the other was our delivery nurse and was an absolute angel. Since my water was technically broken, all our hopes for baths and showers and walking and dancing were shot (and I felt pretty lucky at this point that we had saved ourselves $700 on the doula). But our nurse was so sweet about that and the pitocin that I almost didn't mind. They started my IV at about 11. The pitocin quickly became awful and I was having a ridiculous number of contractions but I wasn't making any progress. Poor K was going crazy because I don't like anyone anywhere near me when I'm in pain. He kept trying to rub my legs and back and I'd just about start sobbing since everything made me feel worse. I realized at about 1 that, I could handle the pain and discomfort if I thought it would be 3 or 4 more hours but the way I was moving it would be more like 8 or 9 hours and I didn't think I could handle that so we started talking about the epidural. I asked for the epidural around 1:30 and it was in around 2. It was only fully working on one side after twenty minutes so we decided to give it 15 minutes and then call anesthesia to replace it. I warned my nurse at this point that I went really fast with my first after the epidural and she asked if I wanted her to check me. I said sure and we found out that I'd gone from a 4 to an 8 in that 20 minutes. Actually she was checking me and said "you're a seven and the baby has dropped down and actually now you're an 8 . . . wow". So she stepped back and said "you may be ready to push in an hour! It will probably be more like 2 but you may be feeling so much on one side because the contractions are so strong. Let me know if you start feeling pressure". Fifteen minutes later I was feeling a lot of pressure and my in-laws were smiling down on me while I tried not to push. They left so the nurse could check again and she said we were ready to go and went to call my doctor. That was when we got the news that my doctor was 20 minutes away and I was supposed to try not to push until he arrived. So we did some deep slow breathing while everyone got ready andI stared at the clock willing my doctor to arrive. He showed up, asked if we were ready for him to gown up to which everyone in the room responded in unison with a resounding "YES". When I got ready to push, her head was already totally visible. We pushed through the first contraction and they told me that I could either push one more time and just be done with it or take a small break until the next one while they stretched things out (sorry, gross). We opted for the small break and the little princess was born in 2 contractions/4 pushes. They asked K to announce if it was a boy or a girl and all he could see was a butt. It took a minute but when he said it was a girl I was completely shocked. I think I would have been just as shocked if he'd said boy though.
So the whole thing was completely fast and much easier than the first time around. We nursed right away and she did amazing. My dad was the only person out of town this time and he got there about 5 hours later with a fresh muffuletta straight from New Orleans (my favorite and the perfect treat for a starving new mom).
And now I'm going to cut this short because someone is looking at me with her amazingly dark blue eyes and I think she needs some attention . . .

Hello Again

2008-04-17T10:36:00.002-05:00

I started a post yesterday while I had 5 minutes of nothing else going on and it was this beautifully happy, life is good post that seems a little "far away" right now. The last 12 hours have been a little rougher than the rest of the experience so far.
I want to say, first of all, that I can't spill the beans on the name - it was the one promise that I made K when I told him I was doing this and I should probably keep my word/not get a divorce. It seems silly since all of you are people I would love to meet in real life and I'm pretty sure that if I ever went out for a (jumbo) margarita with any of you, I would probably tell you my real name and I probably wouldn't refer to my husband as "K" all night. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. So if you're in the area, I will not only tell you the names of my family but I'll also buy you one of said margaritas and even give you full bios on my entire extended family complete with all their dirty secrets.
I will go ahead and just jinx myself now and say that, so far, this whole second time around has been WAAAAAAY easier than the first. I don't know how long that is going to last but so far things have just been mostly "working out". My labor was easier, recovery has been better, nursing her is about 5 corjillion times easier than it was with my son, she didn't have any jaundice or other things to deal with, I'm way more relaxed and I LOVE the cloth diapers by the way. I've been pleasantly shocked at how well we're all doing for the most part.
Last night was a bad night though. O is jealous and a little mad at me and that played itself out last night. I could see it coming for days but he has been holding it in while so many other people are around. Last night he just kind of blew over. I don't blame him at all and the poor thing adores the baby so much it almost makes it worse for him that he's unhappy. The worst part for me was that he has ALWAYS come to me when something hurts/scares him/he is trying to work something out and he wanted NOTHING to do with me last night. I hate not being able to help him but I really can't help him when it's me he's upset with and jealous over. Last night he asked, while sobbing, for me to not put him to bed. I asked him if he wanted daddy, he said yes, threw himself around my neck and gave me kisses while also telling me to leave. We're dealing with it though . . . I hope. We've made a rule that no one is allowed in the house today that isn't one of us 4. We're having dinner alone, we're not taking calls, we're going to do our normal nighttime routine at the right time of evening and we're going to get everyone to feel a little more balanced as soon as possible. And I'm hoping to sleep. Because someone will go hours and hours without eating in the day if you don't wake her but wants to nurse at least every two hours in the night. But really - who needs sleep, right?

Pictures

2008-04-14T08:20:00.002-05:00

So Friday night, we spent the evening at my parent's and we got some great pics. Here is one of the little waterfalls:

OMG JUST KIDDING

while that picture IS from my parent's and we DID go there Friday . . .

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!

baby A was born 4/13

7 lb, 5 oz

Here is the proud brother. He is very excited but gets very nervous when she cries. So far she is a fusser and a nurser. More details, compete with bizarre birth story to come.

Happy Monday!!!

2008-04-11T11:08:00.004-05:00

I was on a website (rhymes with "maybeventer") for some reason/to torture myself the other day and I was baffled by something and now I want to take my bewilderment back. I was reading posts by all these women who, at 37 weeks pregnant, were trading techniques and begging for advice on how to get themselves to go into labor. I really didn't understand because I really never felt that desperate "please let it all end" thing last time. My water broke at 37 weeks, after a good chunk of bed rest, and that was it. Plus people still shake their heads and cluck when they hear that O was born at 37 weeks like it was so early. Now I'm starting to understand. But I'm still finding the concept very hard for my brain to process. After weeks of trying to keep the little sucker in, it's hard to switch to doing anything to evict the little parasite. But I think I'm getting there . . . Especially on days like yesterday. At some point the child decided that it could be on the right side of my body only. This causes a rather large amount of ligament pain. So at those moments when I can't stand up straight without starting to cry, I definitely want to know there is an end in sight. I hate crying and I'm doing an awful lot of it lately. But to make a crappy day better, instead of eating a healthy dinner and playing with cars and dinosaurs, O and I curled up in K and I's bed and ate oreos and watched the Jungle Book last night. Poor K cooked for about an hour (tacos shouldn't take an hour God bless him . . .) while we filled up on cookies and then O wouldn't eat dinner. My bad.

Tonight is pizza night at my mom's and I'm really looking forward to it. My two nieces should be there which means O's favorite playmate will be there to make his night and a new baby will be there for me to cuddle and munch on. Plus, there is something absolutely calming and quieting about being at my parent's new house. We all begged them to buy it when we saw it in spite of them having no intention of moving. Here's a picture of their new back yard after the last snow. I love that there is a creek and that O and I can make boats and float them after the rain. I think it's amazing that, in a city and with nearby neighbors, they have a yard with three bridges and all sorts of hidden areas with swings and gazebos and hidden birdhouses.

So here's hoping you all have wonderful weekends and that I have something more exciting (i.e. baby pictures for the love of pete) to post on Monday. If not, pictures of O may just have to do.

38 Week Public Service Announcement

2008-04-10T12:30:00.003-05:00

****TMI ALERT****
I could title this "things no one tells you" or maybe just "things no one told ME"

If you lose your mucus plug you may also lose tons of fluid (OK maybe not TONS but certainly enough to leave damp spots on clothing that you know aren't urine)
It could be nothing
But you'll have to get it checked anyways in case your water is broken
You will go to the hospital
You will be reintroduced to the speculum
You may find out that your water has NOT broken
They may smile sweetly at you and send you home/to work
And you will be miserable and have to borrow a quarter from a coworker so you can go use the bathroom vending machine.

and you will be thinking OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WILL THIS EVER END (and you'll feel a mite guilty because at least you're not 41 weeks . . . yet)

and your insurance will wish they could drop you

Health and Wellness

2008-04-09T08:30:00.002-05:00

I'm so torn between really wanting this kid to come RIGHT NOW and feeling like I could stand to wait another week at least. I really wanted to get to the 38 week mark (I have no idea why that makes me feel better but whatever) but then I started getting all miserable and uncomfortable with those nasty shooting/stabbing pains in my stomach and back and I started praying for instant deliverance. Of course today I woke up and realized that if we have this baby now either O can't come anywhere near it, I'm going to be a nut job about the baby getting a cold (and then RSV or pneumonia), or both. He has that nasty cold that all the cool kids are passing around these days. Every morning I expect to get hit in the forehead with a nasty loogie when he starts coughing. I guess I'll try and get his humidifier cleaned today. Are we the only ones that keep forgetting when we stop using it to empty it out? That stupid thing is still filled with water from like 4 months ago. How's that for healthy cold relief? We're not winning any awards for this crap.

Tuesday Morning Miracle

2008-04-08T10:35:00.002-05:00

So I said something yesterday about telling you how wonderful my family is to make up for complaining but I'm going to give you the short version. My MIL threw a little lunch for my mom, sisters, and BFF on Sunday. It ended up being a bad weekend for hangovers but it's all good. Anyways - I was expecting some food and chit-chatting, just a chance to hang out. But there were presents. Most notably the stroller I've been lusting after. So I'm spoiled but very grateful and so completely blown away. My office also threw me a surprise shower last Thursday and I was completely shocked. It's weird - a lot of this didn't happen with O, I guess because of bed rest. Since this is baby #2 it never occurred to me that people would be ordering cakes and buying gifts and handing us envelopes of cash. It's been a total surprise and just . . . I'm surprised.
Anyways - this is what I wanted to write about today since it happened this morning. My son was happy and cheerful and not clingy when I dropped him off at school this morning. This is a major major (and extremely welcome) change for us. I was trying to figure out why and then I realized something . . .
I left the house last Wednesday to go out with my mom and O threw a fit about not wanting me to leave. I looked at him and said "mommy is coming back in just a little while". He kept whining about me leaving but now he was doing it while playing with his cars and you could tell his heart had left the fight and he was cool with me walking out the door.
Last night, K went bowling. O was upset that he was gone. I told him I understood but that daddy always came home when he was done bowling. This was a lead up to the whole "daddy comes in and says good night after you're sleeping and you'll see him in the morning". BUT I realized what our problem is. I knew this started after the night of snowstorms when K stayed at a hotel and didn't come home. Then I left in the middle of the night to go to the hospital and when O woke up, my mom was there instead. He's just terrified that we're not coming back EVERY TIME we leave. I knew it was separation anxiety but I didn't realize the depth to which he was scared until we talked last night. It has had to be awful for him! So we had a talk last night about how mommy and daddy will always come back for him. We've had variations on this talk before but I never felt like I should promise that I would always come back - what happens if something happens and we really CAN'T? Wouldn't that be confusing or horrible? Wouldn't that be like I lied to him? So now I just have to pray that K and I never get hurt because I have now promised that we will always come home and my son is the most relaxed and happy he's been in over a month.
Oh and also I bought a new headband and put in on last night and he thinks I look beautiful in it. Unprompted sucking up - man I love my kid.

No News

2008-04-07T11:02:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd put it out there in the title - still lots of contractions but no action.
Now that that is out of the way, it's time for a little crabbing.
Wednesday nights were always my night with my mom before. We'd usually go out to dinner and sometimes my sisters would join us. Last week, we decided to go out to dinner and make a bear for the new baby. She mentioned that she had to order the cake for a lunch my MIL was holding for me and "the girls" on Sunday and would I go with her to the bakery to help pick out the flavors (it is my favorite bakery that made my wedding cake and everyone keeps going in to order some version of this cake over and over - my mom didn't want to get the wrong thing). Sweet right? Well we go there and she wanted me to pick out what the cake would look like. I'm kind of thinking that this is something that someone else should do since I feel like a brat picking out my own cake but no big deal, we flip through the book. We go to the counter and she steps back leaving me to pick the cake, the icings, the colors, etc. which feels very odd to me but whatever. Then they ask what we want written on the cake - I'm figuring she'll at least step up here but she just looks at me and says "oooooh! what do you want on there?!?!" Um . . . really? I thought this sucked so I was ready to say something awful like "my vagina hurts" but I settled for "I have no idea - I really want you to pick" which we went round and round on until she finally picked something. Am I the only one who thinks this was weird/tacky/just strange?
Second - over a week ago, my FIL was volunteered up as a babysitter for Saturday. K and I were really looking forward to a night alone to go out to dinner and what not before the baby is born. We were told that that was the best day for them by my MIL, it was offered not asked for. It was offered as a chance to run errands and get last minute baby stuff done as well as having some alone time. Now, my son has been getting excited about hanging out with his poppy all by himself - he's looking forward to swinging and playing basketball. He doesn't like crowds - especially of people he isn't familar with. He doesn't like noisy gatherings if we're not with him and he gets intimidated. And he hasn't been sleeping well. Getting him to bed has been hell and getting him to stay asleep is worse. And he's getting sick. So we get the call on Saturday night that Poppy is almost home, we can drop O off around 6. He casually mentions that a bunch of the uncles are coming over to watch the basketball game. At first I'm thinking "boys night! fun". Then O asks if we're staying with him at Poppy's house and I realize that he will be miserable. I realize that he won't go to sleep if people are hanging out in the other room watching TV and that he'll probably be uncomfortable most of the night. He HATES being teased and there is a good chance that he will get pestered A LOT. So K makes the decision that he isn't going. In the process, he gets angry that our night out is ruined and I think we really hurt my FIL's feelings. I'm still wondering if we're sheltering and babying our kid, if we should have just sucked it up, or if we really and truly knew that this wouldn't be a good situation for us or O and we would have paid for it later. Mostly I just feel like a jerk for disappointing K's dad even though K actually made the decision not to take him over there. And I'm wondering how to make it up to my husband that he really wanted a night out. Initially I was thinking as well that it would be odd to plan to have people over to watch a game when you're already committed to watching your grandson who really has no interest (which means you're either not going to get to watch yourself or he's going to be bratty and bored). Am I awful for thinking that my FIL should have been completely available for my son? Am I being silly thinking that, by now, he should know him better and that this was not going to be a set up he would enjoy AT ALL? But even as I'm writing this I'm thinking that my kid is so spoiled and God forbid he have to be in a situation that doesn't totally revolve around him! I swear we usually don't pamper him like this. Do we? oh crap . . .
So opinions if you're so inclined - I'd love to hear them. And to make up for going off on our family today maybe I'll tell you why I adore them and how they spoiled me this weekend so you can REALLY see what a pain in the ass I am for them!

37!!!!!!

2008-04-03T10:27:00.002-05:00

So we officially made it to full term this morning. I gleefully threw my pills in the trash before heading out the door. I know it's silly and I'll probably regret it but all the restrictions have been lifted so I'm planning on doing a little laundry and taking my best little guy to the zoo this weekend. I get incredibly sore if I walk a lot but it will be totally worth it. As long as it is sunny, we are riding that stupid train no matter what it costs me since someone has been begging to go since the last snow melted. I'm just relieved and in an incredibly good mood! Finally all the normal rules apply and we're just waiting for real contractions and real labor. That is a lot less confusing and worrisome to me.

Just because I'm excited I'm also going to mention that we got all our cloth diapers in the mail this week and I'm so happy! They're so soft and they're cute! I'm really glad we're doing cloth and I love the site we ordered from (Green Mountain Diapers in case anyone is wondering).

So that is about all I have to say today. Maybe now that I can actually do things and I won't just be "taking it easy", I'll have something to do and talk about that isn't baby related. Or is at least fun baby related and not about contractions. I can't wait for my brain to be functioning like a normal person's again . . .

New Book

2008-04-01T15:16:00.003-05:00

I just found this book today wandering around at lunch and I'm totally in love. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing but I'm trying to make this:

The snake, the turtle and the elephant are so cute! If I can figure this one out, I'll try and make more.

I'm knitting a stuffed dog at work. How do I still have a job?

April Fools!

2008-04-01T08:51:00.002-05:00

So my uterus got the message to knock off the contractions yesterday . . . after 8 hours. We go off the medicine on Thursday and I'm curious to see what happens. I'm guessing weeks and weeks of Vigilant Labor Watch as Desperate Housewife has dubbed it. I think I won't mind so much when I don't have to worry about the whole do I take a pill, should I call, these don't seem strong but they said I should call blah blah blah. Isn't this boring? Seriously - I'm bored with it. I know we're all anxious to move into the stage where I complain about breastfeeding and mastitis.
So until then I have about nothing to talk about. My brain is on the all baby all the time channel. Speaking of which - why, when you're NOT pregnant is TLC's Baby Story the sweetest show in the world and when you're pregnant is more . . . boring? I find myself watching it going "I wonder if my kid is going to be cuter/bigger/have a better apgar, what is up with her hair?" instead of being so awed by the miracle of birth. I used to love that show and now I find myself inspecting the hospital rooms and doctor's bedside manners. It's almost more like a commercial then a show about the families for me right now. I thought I'd check out a few episodes since baby stuff seemed right up my alley right now but I have been proved wrong.
I called my husband yesterday before my doctor's appt. to let him know I was contracting every 5 minutes and he actually asked me if I was playing an early April Fools joke on him. Seriously? Hey honey - I'm in labor! April Fools hahahaha. Um . . . nope.

On Edge

2008-03-31T09:15:00.002-05:00

I've been having contractions all morning and I keep wondering if this is it. And if it is, do I want to drive home and get my camera? I think maybe this is just the universe trying to tell me to bring the camera with me every day. Because I'm NOT having this baby today . . . right?
On the one hand I'm really ready. On the other hand I'm really . . . not.
So - what else do I talk about?
I'm going to do the whole weight loss/post pictures thing. Please get on my case as the months and years role by and I still haven't reached my goal.
Also - nap time and bed time are getting more difficult in our house lately. Someone is reeeeally pushing the limits and times back further and further. Last night I just couldn't stand being in the room with O anymore thanks to the jimmy leg and I told O that I had to go to the bathroom and would be back. Many times he falls asleep, I peek in (because I said I would), and then I can go on my merry way. This time I sat on the couch hoping he'd fall asleep and then someone snuck out of their room, caught me chatting with daddy in the living room and said "Actually you need to be sleeping on my bed now mama". BUSTED. darn it. maybe we really do need to stop staying in there when he falls asleep. But it used to work so well! I hate making changes to what is good for him just because it ceases to be convenient for me but I'm really starting to dread laying on his floor. Before it took like 15 minutes TOPS and last night we were working on an hour and a half. Let's blame K for letting him skip his nap on Saturday resulting in 12 hours of sleep overnight Saturday night. It's all his fault. As usual. Just kidding - he let me boss him around all day yesterday (he cleaned both bathrooms!) so he's off the hook for just about anything right now.
We've been doing a lot of knight/princess/fairy tale stories lately - most of them featuring a Knight with O's name. He loves it and is now fascinated by magic. I bought him a cup on Friday morning to bring to my office (unplanned) after his stitched were removed and he thinks it's a magic cup. So he keeps telling everyone that his cup can "cast a magic SMELL on you".
And that reminds me - the stitches are, in fact, out and his hand looks great. I still can't believe he was so patient. And that I'm rambling so badly. Please blame the contractions.
Also - I really don't think I'm in labor. This is surely just enough to be really annoying and uncomfortable. Am I jinxing myself right now? If so, am I going to be in labor because I said I'm not? Or am I not because I brought it up at all? Now I'm going to be pondering that worthless question for the rest of the morning . . .

I might need an upstairs kitchen

2008-03-26T09:56:00.002-05:00

Because I do love me some working (*ahem*blogging*ahem*) from bed. The only problem is that all the food is downstairs and that is seriously screwing with my frequent eating instructions. My husband told me to take a grocery bag and just load it up with stuff and bring it to bed with me but that feels like that might be taking things a touch too far.
So my doctor said to call if I was "getting uncomfortable". I'm assuming he meant contractions because otherwise I'd be calling a lot. As a matter of fact I would probably just move in to his house and lay on his couch where I could bitch about my backache 24/7. because no one in this house wants to hear it and I'm not paying them.
Man do I love this laptop - but I apologize in advance to anyone that gets a comment from me today. I'm really not used to this keyboard and I keep bumping the "mouse" stuff and navigating away from where I was and generally confusing myself. But I'm wondering if my office will forget that I have this and I'll get to keep it forever and ever because I'm a bit in love. I can play solitaire in bed! I can read all your blogs while laying down! It's a lazy person paradise!

Baby Update and Weight Loss

2008-03-25T09:44:00.002-05:00

We had an ultrasound yesterday to check for growth. Everything looks great. This child has some hugely pudgy cheeks. They're estimating that baby is about 6 lb 2 oz. The tech actually gave us an ultrasound shot labeled "HAIR" since she thought it was funny and it looks like this child has a lot of it. We shall see soon I suppose. My doctor said we could stop the medicine if we wanted to but I said I'd rather stay on and stay pregnant as long as we can safely. I just want this baby to stay in as long as it can and keep gaining weight. We'll stop taking the terb next Monday and then we'll just see what happens! Already he said that I was only to call if I was actually having strong, really uncomfortable contractions so if we go now they have no plans to stop us. The head is down, I'm 1 centimeter, and everything is softening up so we may be getting pretty close. I guess that means we should make sure we have anything ready. That car seat probably needs to move out of our dining room and into an actual CAR.

So now to weight loss. I don't know how gung-ho I'm going to be about losing weight and excercising immediately after the baby is born but I was thinking about this the other day -
I have never posted a picture of myself on here. Not really on purpose, I just don't have many (especially not any of me NOT in pajamas with no makeup and my hair in a ponytail). So I was thinking - would it be at all interesting to anyone out there if I did before and after pictures when I've lost the weight I want to? I've actually managed to put on a good amount of weight since I got married and I'd like to take it all back off. If I had people harassing me on here it might do wonders for my motivation . . . So I'm trying to figure out 1) if anyone would even be interested if I did that 2) how often I should do pictures (but I guess that would depend on how long it takes me -if it takes 2 years you guys probably don't want to look at a post of over 100 pictures of me . . .). I really don't want to post any pictures of me until I'm finished. You know how people always talk about how they think they look so fat and they're really not? I have the opposite problem - I think I look great and then I see a picture of myself and go "whoa where did I get those arms?". It doesn't help that my sisters are, in age order, a size 2 or 4, a size 6, and a size 0. I think I'm carrying all the extra fat for all of them. So my second biggest motivation is not to be so much larger than all my sisters. My main one really is just so that I can go tearing around the yard with my kids and have more energy. Plus I'd really like to run a 5k with my sister who has been asking me to join her for years. Ok now I'm just babbling. Tell me what you think and if there is anything I should be keeping track of. I'm so ready to have this baby and get my body back! If for no other reason than that I can sleep on my stomach again!