Proof

We're long overdue for some pictures so -

Here is proof that sometimes he ISN'T fussing (and loves to make his hair stand up) and proof that sometimes she most certainly IS miserable (as if we needed that)

Oh that last picture just makes my day when I see it but I'm sure one day she'll hate me for sharing it with the world . . .

Coats and Socks and Other Forms of Torture

I cannot tell you how much better I felt reading the comments from that last post. I tend to remain pretty unfazed by most childhood crapfests but the crying truly just annoys me in a way nothing else does. I’m pretty tolerant of the 1-year-old with the limited vocabulary (she has learned to shout “CANDAAAAY” though so thank gah for that). Although she CAN ask for a drink and even sign “please” while she does so, I know she’s little and it is harder for her. The 4-year-old on the other hand . . . the child never STOPS talking so I’m pretty sure he is completely capable of saying “please turn on the light”, “I’d like to watch tv please”, or “please fix my sock”. I can’t believe how many times I’ve said “USE YOUR WORDS” in the last few months.
Speaking of socks (as I guess I kind of was) – O has A Policy about socks. Again I’m pretty sympathetic since I hate socks and never wear them. They can’t be thick, the seam about the toes has to be unbulky and have no strings hanging off on the ends (something I hadn’t really ever seen before until I bought our last package and was cutting 2 inches of thread off the ends of each seam to prepare them for being worn), the seam also has to run across the top of his toes – if it is anywhere else he can feel it and will lay down on the floor and kick until his shoes go flying through the air. We’re working on him just sitting down and calmly taking off his shoes but apparently, in spite of all our efforts, it’s still much more gratifying to howl and flail (since we always do this phase of dressing in the living room we greatly fear for the safety of our television). We’re also having issues with things like jackets and shirt sleeves getting bunched in them. Again – I hate this too. As a matter of fact I hate coats as well as socks and don’t wear them either. All I want with the socks and the coats is the opportunity to fix the problem BEFORE the resulting meltdown. We hadn’t even put a coat on yet yesterday when I mentioned that I thought we could put it on in a way that would not make his sleeves bunched up. Apparently he knew I would fail completely and started crabbing before the coat had even made an appearance on the scene. It just seems like complete insanity to be upset about something that not only hasn’t happened but is something that we’re obviously trying to avoid and make better! Of course, knowing that he is going to play outside and will freeze his little butt off without a coat and knowing that his feet can stink up the whole house if he doesn’t wear socks still isn’t enough for me to keep from thinking SCREW IT. I’m horribly tempted to decide that coats and socks are optional from here on out – especially since, as we’re jamming him into his coat he’s looking at me and asking why the hell I don’t have to wear one. Well, learn it now child – Mommy is a hypocrite! Also, Mommy is sick and I’m sure your grandmother(s) would say it is because she doesn't wear a coat . . .

Kill Me Please

Last night we had one of those nights where you find yourself just sitting against a wall somewhere gazing around you at destruction wondering WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE? I can’t pinpoint at all what the problem was, how we could have made it better, where everything went wrong - it was just a nonstop festival of tears. I was actually feeling relatively mellow and peaceful and excited about getting some Christmas stuff going. I was thinking about all the goodies for the advent calendar and how excited the kids would be while I made dinner. . . and then we spent the rest of the evening listening to everyone fall apart. For O this meant 15 minutes of crying about which chair everyone sits in at dinner, 5 minutes of crying because apparently he wants to go to the bathroom (help yourself! No one is stopping you!!!), 15 minutes crying on the toilet, 20 minutes crying on the bathroom floor while kicking things over and dumping out drawers (all this time we’re asking what is wrong to finally discover a)someone wanted company while they went and b) wanted US to turn on the water so he could wash his hands (?!?!? You know, you could just SAY SO)), 10 minutes crying about wanting to light candles, 5 minutes about wanting to BLOW OUT the candles, 15 minutes crying while playing on the computer, 15 minutes crying because it is time to STOP playing on the computer, 10 minutes crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed, 10 minutes crying because he is so tired he wants to go to bed followed by another 5 about how he actually doesn’t want to go to bed. AND SO ON. Bea just walked around alternately talking to herself for a minute then sobbing for 3. She apparently wanted to sit on the potty fully clothed shoving small bits of toilet paper between her and the seat and shouting “BYE BYE BYE BYE” all night and we would only let her continue that game for about 20 minutes (my Lord between the game where we sit on the potty for hours or she “brushes her teeth” for 45 minutes I have NEVER spent this much time in our bathrooms and I’M STARTING TO HATE THEM). I wish there was some way I could describe the noise so that people would have to sympathize. That horrible crying whine! Like nails on a chalkboard to me . . . especially when they're BOTH going on and on and on. I honestly believe that they are probably both just damn tired from the holiday and traveling but at this point they’re so tired we can’t even get them to sleep. I really hope it’s just that because I would really really hate for them to be getting sick. I’m behind enough on laundry as it is.

Fitnessy Post #2

How’s this for a roll – two days in a row! Things are finally slow(er) here at work but I’m sure it won’t last.

Anyways – Here is a fitness post just for Tess. I’m trying something new and (unfortunately for you) you have to hear all about it.

After the last health/fitness post, I saw Tess’s comment about the Vibram FiveFingers and laughed a little to myself. Then I started researching and then I just HAD to have them. You see, I really was absolutely not kidding/exaggerating about preferring to be barefoot. Less than 48 hours later I was the proud owner of the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen (sadly they looked really cute on the girl in the store so I was optimistic that I’d look like much less of an ass than I do in reality). Now, I was so excited about these shoes that I took them out that night. Then I took them out in the rain as early as I could stand it the next morning and that was when I had my epiphany. I hate getting out of bed early but I really LOVE to use new stuff that I just bought while I’m still excited about it. You know when you buy the new yoga pants and you can’t wait to try them out? The same thing happened with me and the exercise bike – I used it every night without fail for a long time because I was so excited about it. Unfortunately, sooner or later that newness wears off.
I’ve tried the thing where you set aside a certain time for yourself. Meh. I’ve tried varying my routine and having lots of activities so I don’t get bored. Meh. So my new fitness plan now is to buy new stuff. Sometimes I buy something a little more expensive like the shoes or new equipment. Fortunately, I’m easily excited so I’ve found that even silly little things like a hairband can be enough to get me out of my warm bed. The limit I’ve set for myself is that I won’t spend more than I would spend on a typical gym membership. I loved going and was all set to sign up for one when I realized that I would have to be getting up around 4 am to be able to get to the gym/get home/get ready every morning. It was money that I was planning on spending towards getting healthy so I told myself I would still do that just spend it somewhere else. So far it’s working well. The habit of getting up and out is getting stronger. We’ve had some sleepless nights (thanks Bea!) that have thrown me off track but overall, the plan is going strong. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything I want to buy now so does anybody have some tips? I’d love to hear about stuff you love to use when you exercise.

Where We're Going

I’ve heard so many friends complain about their quarter life crisis, read so many posts about people wondering who they’re supposed to be or what they’re supposed to be doing with their life and I have to say that I generally just don’t understand it all. Maybe I’m not all that ambitious, maybe it is just easy for me to be content. And overall I am. I don’t believe there is one type of employment that will cause me to feel I’ve contributed something major to this world and that I will be unfulfilled if I don’t figure out what that is. I don’t know that I believe that there is one perfect soul mate for everyone out in this world but, if there is, then I’ve been blessed enough to find mine and to find him early. I don’t believe there is any certain way I have to be or feel other than happy. I have a job that challenges me, that pays me well and offers security. I don’t think it is my “dream job” because Lord knows I could never have dreamed this one up. I don’t know that it is my calling or that this is something I’ll be doing when I’m 60. I do know that it allows me to have a family and provide for them which is all I ever wanted from a job in the first place. I know that I want to give more but I can do that by volunteering, donating and setting that example for my kids. I don’t understand the drive to find out “who you are” because I believe it always fluctuates and we’re full of contradictions. Some days I’m patient, some days I’m a total bitch. We almost always cook from scratch, buy organic but I love a good soda. I love old things, I love soft things – I feel completely old fashioned but I listen to loud music and have all my modern conveniences close at hand. I’m hard and soft all the time. I have certain opinions one day and I feel absolutely free to change them as life changes me. I simply think that I’m supposed to enjoy my life, take some risks when there is something I want, to take care of the people around me and give what I can to make the people and places around me a little better – not because we carry some kind of debt but because it makes me feel good.

I’ve been many, many places. Gone up in the Arch, seen the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Memorial, Mount Rushmore. I’ve been to Disney World, Disney Land, stood at the top of the Sears Tower. I’ve had a beer (or more) on Bourbon Street and explored the River Walk in San Antonio. All of those things have been wonderful but they don’t hold a candle to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, dipping your toes in the ocean and seeing nothing but a vast expanse of blue, feeling the mist of Niagara Falls on your face. There’s nothing like watching the sun set in the Painted Desert, sitting on the top of a mountain and watching a glorious forest fire burn toward the only road heading out, standing on that same mountain looking down at clouds so thick you could swear you could step right off and walk out into the heavens. Most of all lying on a beach in Michigan or a field in Iowa at night and looking up at stars so numerous you would never have believed it possible.

So this is what I want. I want to be outdoors. I want a home where everyday I look out and see an unobstructed view of the world spreading out around me. I want sky, trees, grass, wildflowers and weeds that never get mowed down. I want my great grandmother’s farm – raspberry bushes, barn cats, naps in the cherry trees. I want a field of tall grass and to watch my children running towards me out of it. I want a porch and child or two in my lap watching lightening flash while a thunderstorm rolls through. I want to see stars, too many to count, when the sun sets at night. I want bonfires with my kids, my sisters and brother, nieces (and hopefully someday nephews), brothers-in-laws (and someday sister-in-law) running around it with everyone smelling like that woodsy smoky smell. I want to care for things – for a large garden that grows so much of what we need, chickens (for me), goats ( for Bea – her current obsession but probably because she thinks they’re some type of large dog), pigs (for O). I want a lake for my husband who dreams of fishing in his yard Saturday mornings. I want to make things – family dinners, baby quilts, dresses for my daughter. I want to sew, knit, and glue (and, lest you fear I’m going totally Ma Ingalls on you, just know I’ll probably be listening to rap music while I do it). I want to travel and see things I’ve never imagined would be so amazing in person – beautiful landscapes and great works of art. I want to visit a long list of countries I’ve never been to. I want to see the Louvre, visit castles in Ireland, cruise around Alaska and be shocked that ice can be so blue. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a partner who wants these things too (with the exception of pigs and goats that he agrees to simply tolerate). These are all in the plans. They are all goals that we’re aiming towards and, somehow, we’re on our way to them. My wedding anniversary gift for him this year is a passport. His Christmas present will hopefully be a chunk of the down payment for that house we’ve been dreaming of together, a payment on a piece of that lake he sees in his mind. Right now we're putting a lot of energy and time into figuring out where we're going to live and how much that home is going to cost us. It may take us a long time and there may be another house before that dream house is found but we’re determined that it will be ours.

The Verdict

Well, the answer I was waiting for is indeed a big NOT PREGNANT. The crazy thing about the whole situation was that it was K that noticed all the possible signs while it never entered my mind at all. I was throwing up, asking for wierd foods, having trouble sleeping and on and on when, finally, he looked at me and said "are you pregnant?". With him coming up with it out-the-blue it just seemed that much more possible or probable. If it was just my own crazy, I wouldn't have thought much of it. Two people's crazy makes a possibility seem much more likely. Which it is apparently not. The Big Snip is now less than 2 weeks away and, for the first time, I'm starting to waver about the whole thing. I still don't know how I feel about no more babies. I thought I was done, without question, before this happened. We are doing well with two. We want as much time as possible with the two we have. We would like to spend money on something besides diapers sooner rather than later. We'd like to be sleeping again sooner rather than later. But I can't stop thinking about the smell of a baby's head or the way they fit in your hands when they're just days old. How small their feet look! Most of all, I keep thinking about how that drive to the hospital feels when you can't wait to see this new baby, you're worried and anxious and you still don't know if it's a boy or a girl (for us at least). Really I think I just want to relive the births I've already been through and feel all that again. I thought I would be relieved if I found out we were not but I'm not relieved. I'm just sad.

So not pregnant and just completed my first week of WW. I lost 4 pounds! I certainly increased my excercise level though it was by force - my car broke some large pieces at lunch yesterday and I had to walk home from the repair shop and then back. I was so excited that she might have finally broke something big enough to warrant a new car but it was not to be. All was perfectly well worth fixing and my mechanic assures me that I'll probably have her for another 125000 miles if I want her that long (and the way I drive that is 12 more years - MY CAR WILL BE 24 YEARS OLD BEFORE I EVER GET RID OF HER AGHHHHHH!). I refuse to buy a new car until I have to but man . . . she's old and she needs a good cleaning.

Health Kick(ish) Post

When my mom ended up in the hospital, everything "normal" in life went a little unglued. We started eating crap at whatever time it was convenient. Baths, packing lunches, pretty much everything just went out the window. We started getting back on track but only to a certain extent. I started making dinner every night again once I wasn't at the hospital every day. We started remembering to pack the kid's bags before we went to bed (at midnight! googahya'll). But I always felt crapped out and tired after putting the kids to bed and would end up eating old Easter candy that I don't even like while staring glassy-eyed out our back window. We had this well-oiled machine thing going on in our house at some point years ago and we just COULDN'T get back to it. It suddenly hit me when my mom went BACK TO WORK that, if she was getting her life back on track, then why the hell were we still floundering around as a results of her getting sick?

(And can I just add here OMG MY MOM IS BACK AT WORK!!!! The best case scenario we initially prayed for was just to be awake, then it was to be off the vent and then just to be able to MOVE. I can't believe how amazing she's doing!)

So my motivation with WW is really just to be able to run around after the kids. To have all my energy back. I want to lose weight, sure but I'm really hoping that this forces me to structure and plan meals so life goes back to how it was when we were ALL eating really healthy. WW made our nights go smoother as bizarre as that sounds. Also, seeing my mom recover, I know that it was only because she was in such amazing shape when all this started. Her doctors have all said over and over that, if she had had any ANY health complications prior to this, there was no way they could expect that she would be where she is now. And I don't want my kids to lose me when I could have prevented it. I know we're all going to die sooner or later but I'm hoping to aim for later.

I love planning menus. I sit down every week and plan out what we're going to eat for the next 7 days. Often I do it more than once because I'll see a great recipe somewhere and want to try it and then it will change everything I want to make. Or I'll realize that I really wanted chili when I made the menu and then it ended up be over 100 degrees all week and that sounds like a terrible idea. So my first goal is to continue this and plan healthy meals for every night and also snacks and things I can make ahead for lunches. I generally hate leftovers so that lunch thing is going to be the hardest part for me. I also hate buying snack food so I'm trying to come up with good alternatives that I can make for the kids beyond just fruit. Sometimes you just need something crunchy.

The next thing I really want to do is start running. I've done The Shred, I've got a million videos and an awesome bike in the basement, hell we've even tivo'ed Denise Austin off of Lifetime or whatever (Oh Lord there is nothing funnier than watching O try to do jumping jacks to that show in the morning with a headband around his forehead! damn that's good stuff). I like excercise oddly enough but I don't really like to push it. I'll walk for hours but if I can feel my heart beat in my face after 2 minutes, I just want to sit down on my ass and wonder if I'm having a heart attack. I promised my dad that I would run a local 5K with him on Thanksgiving this year. (Bonus Trivia #1 - I ran the end of it last year so the guy dressed up as a giant snowman wouldn't beat me to the end. I couldn't let someone walking in a 30 pound costume pass me at the finish but, in my defense, I was pushing a 3-year-old in an enormous stroller) I'm sure he thought I was kidding or wouldn't follow through but I'm really hoping that isn't the case. I would really, really like to follow through on this more than just about anything. Plus our dogs need the excercise every morning. I have everything I could possibly need except two things. The first is that I need to figure out what that website is where you can go to choose songs by how many beats per minute they have (seriously I think that is pure genius for an ipod playlist to excercise to). Second is I need better shoes. I went all nuts awhile back when the running dream was first conceived and bought some supposedly great shoes. After two days I hated them which is pretty much how it always goes for me. I have really small feet (Bonus Trivia #2 - I'm normally about a 7 but I can actually wear a size 4 in some shoes and not because they have wierd European sizing or anything) but they're wide and I would rather be barefoot all the time.

So let me know if you have any idea what that website is or if you have a recommendation for the softest cushiest shoes in the world PLEASE!

Oh! or healthy snack food ideas! That sounds like a much better idea - let's talk about food because I'm starving