How’s this for a roll – two days in a row! Things are finally slow(er) here at work but I’m sure it won’t last.
Anyways – Here is a fitness post just for Tess. I’m trying something new and (unfortunately for you) you have to hear all about it.
After the last health/fitness post, I saw Tess’s comment about the Vibram FiveFingers and laughed a little to myself. Then I started researching and then I just HAD to have them. You see, I really was absolutely not kidding/exaggerating about preferring to be barefoot. Less than 48 hours later I was the proud owner of the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen (sadly they looked really cute on the girl in the store so I was optimistic that I’d look like much less of an ass than I do in reality). Now, I was so excited about these shoes that I took them out that night. Then I took them out in the rain as early as I could stand it the next morning and that was when I had my epiphany. I hate getting out of bed early but I really LOVE to use new stuff that I just bought while I’m still excited about it. You know when you buy the new yoga pants and you can’t wait to try them out? The same thing happened with me and the exercise bike – I used it every night without fail for a long time because I was so excited about it. Unfortunately, sooner or later that newness wears off.
I’ve tried the thing where you set aside a certain time for yourself. Meh. I’ve tried varying my routine and having lots of activities so I don’t get bored. Meh. So my new fitness plan now is to buy new stuff. Sometimes I buy something a little more expensive like the shoes or new equipment. Fortunately, I’m easily excited so I’ve found that even silly little things like a hairband can be enough to get me out of my warm bed. The limit I’ve set for myself is that I won’t spend more than I would spend on a typical gym membership. I loved going and was all set to sign up for one when I realized that I would have to be getting up around 4 am to be able to get to the gym/get home/get ready every morning. It was money that I was planning on spending towards getting healthy so I told myself I would still do that just spend it somewhere else. So far it’s working well. The habit of getting up and out is getting stronger. We’ve had some sleepless nights (thanks Bea!) that have thrown me off track but overall, the plan is going strong. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything I want to buy now so does anybody have some tips? I’d love to hear about stuff you love to use when you exercise.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Where We're Going
I’ve heard so many friends complain about their quarter life crisis, read so many posts about people wondering who they’re supposed to be or what they’re supposed to be doing with their life and I have to say that I generally just don’t understand it all. Maybe I’m not all that ambitious, maybe it is just easy for me to be content. And overall I am. I don’t believe there is one type of employment that will cause me to feel I’ve contributed something major to this world and that I will be unfulfilled if I don’t figure out what that is. I don’t know that I believe that there is one perfect soul mate for everyone out in this world but, if there is, then I’ve been blessed enough to find mine and to find him early. I don’t believe there is any certain way I have to be or feel other than happy. I have a job that challenges me, that pays me well and offers security. I don’t think it is my “dream job” because Lord knows I could never have dreamed this one up. I don’t know that it is my calling or that this is something I’ll be doing when I’m 60. I do know that it allows me to have a family and provide for them which is all I ever wanted from a job in the first place. I know that I want to give more but I can do that by volunteering, donating and setting that example for my kids. I don’t understand the drive to find out “who you are” because I believe it always fluctuates and we’re full of contradictions. Some days I’m patient, some days I’m a total bitch. We almost always cook from scratch, buy organic but I love a good soda. I love old things, I love soft things – I feel completely old fashioned but I listen to loud music and have all my modern conveniences close at hand. I’m hard and soft all the time. I have certain opinions one day and I feel absolutely free to change them as life changes me. I simply think that I’m supposed to enjoy my life, take some risks when there is something I want, to take care of the people around me and give what I can to make the people and places around me a little better – not because we carry some kind of debt but because it makes me feel good.
I’ve been many, many places. Gone up in the Arch, seen the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Memorial, Mount Rushmore. I’ve been to Disney World, Disney Land, stood at the top of the Sears Tower. I’ve had a beer (or more) on Bourbon Street and explored the River Walk in San Antonio. All of those things have been wonderful but they don’t hold a candle to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, dipping your toes in the ocean and seeing nothing but a vast expanse of blue, feeling the mist of Niagara Falls on your face. There’s nothing like watching the sun set in the Painted Desert, sitting on the top of a mountain and watching a glorious forest fire burn toward the only road heading out, standing on that same mountain looking down at clouds so thick you could swear you could step right off and walk out into the heavens. Most of all lying on a beach in Michigan or a field in Iowa at night and looking up at stars so numerous you would never have believed it possible.
So this is what I want. I want to be outdoors. I want a home where everyday I look out and see an unobstructed view of the world spreading out around me. I want sky, trees, grass, wildflowers and weeds that never get mowed down. I want my great grandmother’s farm – raspberry bushes, barn cats, naps in the cherry trees. I want a field of tall grass and to watch my children running towards me out of it. I want a porch and child or two in my lap watching lightening flash while a thunderstorm rolls through. I want to see stars, too many to count, when the sun sets at night. I want bonfires with my kids, my sisters and brother, nieces (and hopefully someday nephews), brothers-in-laws (and someday sister-in-law) running around it with everyone smelling like that woodsy smoky smell. I want to care for things – for a large garden that grows so much of what we need, chickens (for me), goats ( for Bea – her current obsession but probably because she thinks they’re some type of large dog), pigs (for O). I want a lake for my husband who dreams of fishing in his yard Saturday mornings. I want to make things – family dinners, baby quilts, dresses for my daughter. I want to sew, knit, and glue (and, lest you fear I’m going totally Ma Ingalls on you, just know I’ll probably be listening to rap music while I do it). I want to travel and see things I’ve never imagined would be so amazing in person – beautiful landscapes and great works of art. I want to visit a long list of countries I’ve never been to. I want to see the Louvre, visit castles in Ireland, cruise around Alaska and be shocked that ice can be so blue. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a partner who wants these things too (with the exception of pigs and goats that he agrees to simply tolerate). These are all in the plans. They are all goals that we’re aiming towards and, somehow, we’re on our way to them. My wedding anniversary gift for him this year is a passport. His Christmas present will hopefully be a chunk of the down payment for that house we’ve been dreaming of together, a payment on a piece of that lake he sees in his mind. Right now we're putting a lot of energy and time into figuring out where we're going to live and how much that home is going to cost us. It may take us a long time and there may be another house before that dream house is found but we’re determined that it will be ours.
I’ve been many, many places. Gone up in the Arch, seen the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Memorial, Mount Rushmore. I’ve been to Disney World, Disney Land, stood at the top of the Sears Tower. I’ve had a beer (or more) on Bourbon Street and explored the River Walk in San Antonio. All of those things have been wonderful but they don’t hold a candle to standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, dipping your toes in the ocean and seeing nothing but a vast expanse of blue, feeling the mist of Niagara Falls on your face. There’s nothing like watching the sun set in the Painted Desert, sitting on the top of a mountain and watching a glorious forest fire burn toward the only road heading out, standing on that same mountain looking down at clouds so thick you could swear you could step right off and walk out into the heavens. Most of all lying on a beach in Michigan or a field in Iowa at night and looking up at stars so numerous you would never have believed it possible.
So this is what I want. I want to be outdoors. I want a home where everyday I look out and see an unobstructed view of the world spreading out around me. I want sky, trees, grass, wildflowers and weeds that never get mowed down. I want my great grandmother’s farm – raspberry bushes, barn cats, naps in the cherry trees. I want a field of tall grass and to watch my children running towards me out of it. I want a porch and child or two in my lap watching lightening flash while a thunderstorm rolls through. I want to see stars, too many to count, when the sun sets at night. I want bonfires with my kids, my sisters and brother, nieces (and hopefully someday nephews), brothers-in-laws (and someday sister-in-law) running around it with everyone smelling like that woodsy smoky smell. I want to care for things – for a large garden that grows so much of what we need, chickens (for me), goats ( for Bea – her current obsession but probably because she thinks they’re some type of large dog), pigs (for O). I want a lake for my husband who dreams of fishing in his yard Saturday mornings. I want to make things – family dinners, baby quilts, dresses for my daughter. I want to sew, knit, and glue (and, lest you fear I’m going totally Ma Ingalls on you, just know I’ll probably be listening to rap music while I do it). I want to travel and see things I’ve never imagined would be so amazing in person – beautiful landscapes and great works of art. I want to visit a long list of countries I’ve never been to. I want to see the Louvre, visit castles in Ireland, cruise around Alaska and be shocked that ice can be so blue. Fortunately, I’m blessed with a partner who wants these things too (with the exception of pigs and goats that he agrees to simply tolerate). These are all in the plans. They are all goals that we’re aiming towards and, somehow, we’re on our way to them. My wedding anniversary gift for him this year is a passport. His Christmas present will hopefully be a chunk of the down payment for that house we’ve been dreaming of together, a payment on a piece of that lake he sees in his mind. Right now we're putting a lot of energy and time into figuring out where we're going to live and how much that home is going to cost us. It may take us a long time and there may be another house before that dream house is found but we’re determined that it will be ours.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Verdict
Well, the answer I was waiting for is indeed a big NOT PREGNANT. The crazy thing about the whole situation was that it was K that noticed all the possible signs while it never entered my mind at all. I was throwing up, asking for wierd foods, having trouble sleeping and on and on when, finally, he looked at me and said "are you pregnant?". With him coming up with it out-the-blue it just seemed that much more possible or probable. If it was just my own crazy, I wouldn't have thought much of it. Two people's crazy makes a possibility seem much more likely. Which it is apparently not. The Big Snip is now less than 2 weeks away and, for the first time, I'm starting to waver about the whole thing. I still don't know how I feel about no more babies. I thought I was done, without question, before this happened. We are doing well with two. We want as much time as possible with the two we have. We would like to spend money on something besides diapers sooner rather than later. We'd like to be sleeping again sooner rather than later. But I can't stop thinking about the smell of a baby's head or the way they fit in your hands when they're just days old. How small their feet look! Most of all, I keep thinking about how that drive to the hospital feels when you can't wait to see this new baby, you're worried and anxious and you still don't know if it's a boy or a girl (for us at least). Really I think I just want to relive the births I've already been through and feel all that again. I thought I would be relieved if I found out we were not but I'm not relieved. I'm just sad.
So not pregnant and just completed my first week of WW. I lost 4 pounds! I certainly increased my excercise level though it was by force - my car broke some large pieces at lunch yesterday and I had to walk home from the repair shop and then back. I was so excited that she might have finally broke something big enough to warrant a new car but it was not to be. All was perfectly well worth fixing and my mechanic assures me that I'll probably have her for another 125000 miles if I want her that long (and the way I drive that is 12 more years - MY CAR WILL BE 24 YEARS OLD BEFORE I EVER GET RID OF HER AGHHHHHH!). I refuse to buy a new car until I have to but man . . . she's old and she needs a good cleaning.
So not pregnant and just completed my first week of WW. I lost 4 pounds! I certainly increased my excercise level though it was by force - my car broke some large pieces at lunch yesterday and I had to walk home from the repair shop and then back. I was so excited that she might have finally broke something big enough to warrant a new car but it was not to be. All was perfectly well worth fixing and my mechanic assures me that I'll probably have her for another 125000 miles if I want her that long (and the way I drive that is 12 more years - MY CAR WILL BE 24 YEARS OLD BEFORE I EVER GET RID OF HER AGHHHHHH!). I refuse to buy a new car until I have to but man . . . she's old and she needs a good cleaning.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Health Kick(ish) Post
When my mom ended up in the hospital, everything "normal" in life went a little unglued. We started eating crap at whatever time it was convenient. Baths, packing lunches, pretty much everything just went out the window. We started getting back on track but only to a certain extent. I started making dinner every night again once I wasn't at the hospital every day. We started remembering to pack the kid's bags before we went to bed (at midnight! googahya'll). But I always felt crapped out and tired after putting the kids to bed and would end up eating old Easter candy that I don't even like while staring glassy-eyed out our back window. We had this well-oiled machine thing going on in our house at some point years ago and we just COULDN'T get back to it. It suddenly hit me when my mom went BACK TO WORK that, if she was getting her life back on track, then why the hell were we still floundering around as a results of her getting sick?
(And can I just add here OMG MY MOM IS BACK AT WORK!!!! The best case scenario we initially prayed for was just to be awake, then it was to be off the vent and then just to be able to MOVE. I can't believe how amazing she's doing!)
So my motivation with WW is really just to be able to run around after the kids. To have all my energy back. I want to lose weight, sure but I'm really hoping that this forces me to structure and plan meals so life goes back to how it was when we were ALL eating really healthy. WW made our nights go smoother as bizarre as that sounds. Also, seeing my mom recover, I know that it was only because she was in such amazing shape when all this started. Her doctors have all said over and over that, if she had had any ANY health complications prior to this, there was no way they could expect that she would be where she is now. And I don't want my kids to lose me when I could have prevented it. I know we're all going to die sooner or later but I'm hoping to aim for later.
I love planning menus. I sit down every week and plan out what we're going to eat for the next 7 days. Often I do it more than once because I'll see a great recipe somewhere and want to try it and then it will change everything I want to make. Or I'll realize that I really wanted chili when I made the menu and then it ended up be over 100 degrees all week and that sounds like a terrible idea. So my first goal is to continue this and plan healthy meals for every night and also snacks and things I can make ahead for lunches. I generally hate leftovers so that lunch thing is going to be the hardest part for me. I also hate buying snack food so I'm trying to come up with good alternatives that I can make for the kids beyond just fruit. Sometimes you just need something crunchy.
The next thing I really want to do is start running. I've done The Shred, I've got a million videos and an awesome bike in the basement, hell we've even tivo'ed Denise Austin off of Lifetime or whatever (Oh Lord there is nothing funnier than watching O try to do jumping jacks to that show in the morning with a headband around his forehead! damn that's good stuff). I like excercise oddly enough but I don't really like to push it. I'll walk for hours but if I can feel my heart beat in my face after 2 minutes, I just want to sit down on my ass and wonder if I'm having a heart attack. I promised my dad that I would run a local 5K with him on Thanksgiving this year. (Bonus Trivia #1 - I ran the end of it last year so the guy dressed up as a giant snowman wouldn't beat me to the end. I couldn't let someone walking in a 30 pound costume pass me at the finish but, in my defense, I was pushing a 3-year-old in an enormous stroller) I'm sure he thought I was kidding or wouldn't follow through but I'm really hoping that isn't the case. I would really, really like to follow through on this more than just about anything. Plus our dogs need the excercise every morning. I have everything I could possibly need except two things. The first is that I need to figure out what that website is where you can go to choose songs by how many beats per minute they have (seriously I think that is pure genius for an ipod playlist to excercise to). Second is I need better shoes. I went all nuts awhile back when the running dream was first conceived and bought some supposedly great shoes. After two days I hated them which is pretty much how it always goes for me. I have really small feet (Bonus Trivia #2 - I'm normally about a 7 but I can actually wear a size 4 in some shoes and not because they have wierd European sizing or anything) but they're wide and I would rather be barefoot all the time.
So let me know if you have any idea what that website is or if you have a recommendation for the softest cushiest shoes in the world PLEASE!
Oh! or healthy snack food ideas! That sounds like a much better idea - let's talk about food because I'm starving
(And can I just add here OMG MY MOM IS BACK AT WORK!!!! The best case scenario we initially prayed for was just to be awake, then it was to be off the vent and then just to be able to MOVE. I can't believe how amazing she's doing!)
So my motivation with WW is really just to be able to run around after the kids. To have all my energy back. I want to lose weight, sure but I'm really hoping that this forces me to structure and plan meals so life goes back to how it was when we were ALL eating really healthy. WW made our nights go smoother as bizarre as that sounds. Also, seeing my mom recover, I know that it was only because she was in such amazing shape when all this started. Her doctors have all said over and over that, if she had had any ANY health complications prior to this, there was no way they could expect that she would be where she is now. And I don't want my kids to lose me when I could have prevented it. I know we're all going to die sooner or later but I'm hoping to aim for later.
I love planning menus. I sit down every week and plan out what we're going to eat for the next 7 days. Often I do it more than once because I'll see a great recipe somewhere and want to try it and then it will change everything I want to make. Or I'll realize that I really wanted chili when I made the menu and then it ended up be over 100 degrees all week and that sounds like a terrible idea. So my first goal is to continue this and plan healthy meals for every night and also snacks and things I can make ahead for lunches. I generally hate leftovers so that lunch thing is going to be the hardest part for me. I also hate buying snack food so I'm trying to come up with good alternatives that I can make for the kids beyond just fruit. Sometimes you just need something crunchy.
The next thing I really want to do is start running. I've done The Shred, I've got a million videos and an awesome bike in the basement, hell we've even tivo'ed Denise Austin off of Lifetime or whatever (Oh Lord there is nothing funnier than watching O try to do jumping jacks to that show in the morning with a headband around his forehead! damn that's good stuff). I like excercise oddly enough but I don't really like to push it. I'll walk for hours but if I can feel my heart beat in my face after 2 minutes, I just want to sit down on my ass and wonder if I'm having a heart attack. I promised my dad that I would run a local 5K with him on Thanksgiving this year. (Bonus Trivia #1 - I ran the end of it last year so the guy dressed up as a giant snowman wouldn't beat me to the end. I couldn't let someone walking in a 30 pound costume pass me at the finish but, in my defense, I was pushing a 3-year-old in an enormous stroller) I'm sure he thought I was kidding or wouldn't follow through but I'm really hoping that isn't the case. I would really, really like to follow through on this more than just about anything. Plus our dogs need the excercise every morning. I have everything I could possibly need except two things. The first is that I need to figure out what that website is where you can go to choose songs by how many beats per minute they have (seriously I think that is pure genius for an ipod playlist to excercise to). Second is I need better shoes. I went all nuts awhile back when the running dream was first conceived and bought some supposedly great shoes. After two days I hated them which is pretty much how it always goes for me. I have really small feet (Bonus Trivia #2 - I'm normally about a 7 but I can actually wear a size 4 in some shoes and not because they have wierd European sizing or anything) but they're wide and I would rather be barefoot all the time.
So let me know if you have any idea what that website is or if you have a recommendation for the softest cushiest shoes in the world PLEASE!
Oh! or healthy snack food ideas! That sounds like a much better idea - let's talk about food because I'm starving
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Random Bits
Clever title eh?
No? Not buying it? Me either.
So posting has been sporadic. Wanna know what you missed? No? well . . . too bad
- O turned 4 in Feb. We had a pirate party, the whole family dressed up, the cake was pretty awesome (pat myself on the back . . .). 4 has been WAY the hell harder than 3. Man the Attitude! The Stubbornness! We mentioned it to his teachers like "OMG is he this way at school?". They said "4 is always like this". Now I wonder if it is just the age 4 in general or if it is HIS SCHOOL. But I like his school very, very much so let's hope not. Good God this boy is a riot. He's so funny! but also extremely whiny. The little dictator yelled at least once a day "I WANTED a chocolate milk and YOU did not get me one!!" without even once having told us that he would like a drink. The crying and obnoxious demanding were driving us crazy so we went to "mommy's favorite toy store" (that is what we call it instead of it's real name) and bought him a chore chart. It has things like getting dressed, getting ready for bed, clearing plates on magnets and you can swap them out as they get older. So now we ask once and miraculously he actually comes and gets dressed instead of us wrestling underwear on him and only getting halfway before he notices a floating dust mote two rooms away that he must run and investigate. It also has sharing, saying please and thank you and so on. Within an hour, it was like we had a totally different child in the house. Amazing.
- still absolutely LOVING the "new" daycare. Bea's first birthday was in APRIL! Holy crap poor second child getting no love even on the blog! And her cake was even COOLER so you think I would at least have managed to get a pic of that up on here! Bea, as you may have read in past posts, had an E.Coli infection in her urinary tract thanks to a virus and copious amounts of diarrhea (fun!). She's had so many catheters, I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me for it all. I always wonder what my kids are thinking when I'm holding them incapacitated for shots or anything unpleasant. I really hope they think I'm comforting them (which I'm TRYING to do) and not that I'm the CAUSE of all the unpleasantness. Bea's ultrasound showed some dilation in her kidney that "we're going to keep an eye on" according to her pediatrician. I have absolutely no idea what all that entails (I'm actually thinking we do nothing unless anything alarming happens) but I'm feeling very zen about the whole thing. With O, I would have been panicked. But I can see she's fine. Maybe I'm just too tired to react in my normal way. Which would be because now BEA doesn't sleep. O's sleeping like an angel so she's taken his place at the Awake All Night Party.
- I've finally decided to start Weight Watchers again. Sadly this has just as much to do with me thinking that an hour out by myself (!!!) sounds great as it does with me wanting to lose weight. I'm starting tonight.
- Last thing - K finally scheduled the Big Snip. Wanna know what finally sparked the phone call to make the appointment OVER ONE YEAR LATER? God I'm afraid to even say this but we're having a bit of a uh-oh kind of Whoops! scare if you know what I mean. It doesn't seem like it should be possible timing wise but I feel like it could be. I'm nauseous to puking here and there, I'm exhausted, hell I'm craving things. But really even if I was, it should be too early for any of that . . . what the hell?! At first I was all out terrified but now I know I'm just going to be disappointed if I'm not. It makes me think about my favorite thing Catherine Newman ever wrote - "All the cells in your brain are cheering — throwing their pompoms in the air and turning cartwheels, their little white skirts flipping up while they yell, "Not, not pregnant! N-O-T! P-R-E!! G-N-A-N-T!!!"But your heart — your greedy, irrational heart — is sitting on the curb with its head in its hands." I've known exactly how that feels for a long time and, reading it again, I realize that I have absolutely no idea what I'm actually hoping for . . .
No? Not buying it? Me either.
So posting has been sporadic. Wanna know what you missed? No? well . . . too bad
- O turned 4 in Feb. We had a pirate party, the whole family dressed up, the cake was pretty awesome (pat myself on the back . . .). 4 has been WAY the hell harder than 3. Man the Attitude! The Stubbornness! We mentioned it to his teachers like "OMG is he this way at school?". They said "4 is always like this". Now I wonder if it is just the age 4 in general or if it is HIS SCHOOL. But I like his school very, very much so let's hope not. Good God this boy is a riot. He's so funny! but also extremely whiny. The little dictator yelled at least once a day "I WANTED a chocolate milk and YOU did not get me one!!" without even once having told us that he would like a drink. The crying and obnoxious demanding were driving us crazy so we went to "mommy's favorite toy store" (that is what we call it instead of it's real name) and bought him a chore chart. It has things like getting dressed, getting ready for bed, clearing plates on magnets and you can swap them out as they get older. So now we ask once and miraculously he actually comes and gets dressed instead of us wrestling underwear on him and only getting halfway before he notices a floating dust mote two rooms away that he must run and investigate. It also has sharing, saying please and thank you and so on. Within an hour, it was like we had a totally different child in the house. Amazing.
- still absolutely LOVING the "new" daycare. Bea's first birthday was in APRIL! Holy crap poor second child getting no love even on the blog! And her cake was even COOLER so you think I would at least have managed to get a pic of that up on here! Bea, as you may have read in past posts, had an E.Coli infection in her urinary tract thanks to a virus and copious amounts of diarrhea (fun!). She's had so many catheters, I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me for it all. I always wonder what my kids are thinking when I'm holding them incapacitated for shots or anything unpleasant. I really hope they think I'm comforting them (which I'm TRYING to do) and not that I'm the CAUSE of all the unpleasantness. Bea's ultrasound showed some dilation in her kidney that "we're going to keep an eye on" according to her pediatrician. I have absolutely no idea what all that entails (I'm actually thinking we do nothing unless anything alarming happens) but I'm feeling very zen about the whole thing. With O, I would have been panicked. But I can see she's fine. Maybe I'm just too tired to react in my normal way. Which would be because now BEA doesn't sleep. O's sleeping like an angel so she's taken his place at the Awake All Night Party.
- I've finally decided to start Weight Watchers again. Sadly this has just as much to do with me thinking that an hour out by myself (!!!) sounds great as it does with me wanting to lose weight. I'm starting tonight.
- Last thing - K finally scheduled the Big Snip. Wanna know what finally sparked the phone call to make the appointment OVER ONE YEAR LATER? God I'm afraid to even say this but we're having a bit of a uh-oh kind of Whoops! scare if you know what I mean. It doesn't seem like it should be possible timing wise but I feel like it could be. I'm nauseous to puking here and there, I'm exhausted, hell I'm craving things. But really even if I was, it should be too early for any of that . . . what the hell?! At first I was all out terrified but now I know I'm just going to be disappointed if I'm not. It makes me think about my favorite thing Catherine Newman ever wrote - "All the cells in your brain are cheering — throwing their pompoms in the air and turning cartwheels, their little white skirts flipping up while they yell, "Not, not pregnant! N-O-T! P-R-E!! G-N-A-N-T!!!"But your heart — your greedy, irrational heart — is sitting on the curb with its head in its hands." I've known exactly how that feels for a long time and, reading it again, I realize that I have absolutely no idea what I'm actually hoping for . . .
Monday, July 13, 2009
WOOHOO
Wanna know what makes all the stress even more fun? A trip for the baby to the ER with a temp over 105 and finding out that your 14-month-old has an E. Coli infection.
Awesome
Awesome
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Feeling Lost
I don't know why I feel this overwhelming need to put how I feel into words right now. Especially since this will be the first post in . . . I don't really want to know how long. I'm not going to look. And it will probably be a rather pathetic thing to leave hanging out on the top of the blog until I decide to write again (you know, sometime next year).
But the thing is I'm having a really bad day and someone is just going to have to hear about it. And that means you (if any of you are still out there).
When O was small (am I really still bothering not putting in names? WHO CARES! Oh wait, I didn't want my family to find this so yes I am still bothering), I was really good at keeping things organized with him. Not like I went out of my way and was anal at organizing, I just tend to generally BE organized. I had a routine of washing bottles, packing lunches, whatever. Everything was always ready to go the next morning. I listened (seriously, always listened) to everything O said to me (and K too for that matter). I was always at work when I was supposed to be. I am (oh wait, WAS) really good at my job. Like I said, I'm organized, really efficient, could remember everything even if I didn't write it down. After a certain amount of time, I really felt like I had the daily routine down. Everything just worked and our days went pretty smoothly. At least, that's how I remember it.
And now I feel like I'm just in the twilight zone somewhere. Bedtimes are taking us like 2 hours to complete. I really feel like this is excessive (ok OBVIOUSLY that's excessive) but I don't know how to make it work. It's like I'm in a daze and I'll go into O's room and think "hey why don't I just pick up some of these cars for 5 minutes while I wait for him to go to the bathroom and wash his hands" and then suddenly I'm cleaning his room at it is 9pm. Every morning there is the mad rush to get everyone breakfast and drinks and pack their bags. And every morning I say to myself "all of this is stuff we could have done last night". But every night I get out of O's room late and all I can do is eat chocolate and go to bed. I'm completely unmotivated to clean anything. Our laundry (hahahaha!!! the laundry) . . . never mind. I'm not even going there. If it wasn't bad enough that our house is trashed, now we're talking about moving. I can't even fathom how we would begin to get our house ready to put on the market right now. I tune out of conversations which makes me feel like a jerk. I thought I was having a conversation about motorcycles the other night but when I really tuned in I realized it was about Power Rangers and was rapidly delving into a full scale investigation of good vs evil and my deep responses consisted of "yes" "mm-hhm" and "no, I didn't know that!". But I'm not really sure what I was responding to so who KNOWS what I just told my 4-year-old? Who also (I realized belatedly) thinks that Power Rangers are swords and not people. We regularly forget "water day" so O doesn't have a swim suit or towel when all the other kids do. So then he gets wet in his clothes and has to borrow school's extra underpants and t-shirt and, of course, they're out of shorts. I can't even remember to pack a drink in his lunch since they don't serve milk in the summer. Hell we've actually forgotten to even pack a lunch period. Really - lunch is an EVERY DAY thing. You'd think we would catch on to that one.
I always took pride in the fact that I'm really good at my job. Unfortunately, in our busy office, if you don't looked swamped you're going to get more work. So now I have double (in some cases triple) the average work load. Which would actually be ok with me except that this haze has me forgetting things. I'm catching them all but I know it's only a matter of time before I drop the ball on something big. Just last week I almost forgot to make a phone call. Big deal - one phone call right? But if I had actually completely forgotten it would have cost a customer in excess of $80,000. I'm dealing with large dollar issues now and slacking off can mean major disaster. Normally I think I'd be game for this but I'm starting to not trust myself. The bitch of it all is that my favorite things about my job are slowly disappearing. The biggest perk of this job was that it allowed me to always make my family a priority. Kids are sick? see you tomorrow. Dentist appt? no problem. I left at 5 done for the day and my weekends were mine. And now all through Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas are haulers and farmers and plant operators with my phone number who have no qualms calling me at 2am because there is a problem that could have at least waited until 6am. Today it just came crashing down on me when I got a called from A's daycare. She's been sick since Saturday. She was fine yesterday though so she went to daycare today and then promptly decided to be feverish again. I got the call and immediately stood up to go get her. Then I realized I can't. I have things that cannot sit. There are reasons that I absolutely have to be here.
And I absolutely hate that.
But the thing is I'm having a really bad day and someone is just going to have to hear about it. And that means you (if any of you are still out there).
When O was small (am I really still bothering not putting in names? WHO CARES! Oh wait, I didn't want my family to find this so yes I am still bothering), I was really good at keeping things organized with him. Not like I went out of my way and was anal at organizing, I just tend to generally BE organized. I had a routine of washing bottles, packing lunches, whatever. Everything was always ready to go the next morning. I listened (seriously, always listened) to everything O said to me (and K too for that matter). I was always at work when I was supposed to be. I am (oh wait, WAS) really good at my job. Like I said, I'm organized, really efficient, could remember everything even if I didn't write it down. After a certain amount of time, I really felt like I had the daily routine down. Everything just worked and our days went pretty smoothly. At least, that's how I remember it.
And now I feel like I'm just in the twilight zone somewhere. Bedtimes are taking us like 2 hours to complete. I really feel like this is excessive (ok OBVIOUSLY that's excessive) but I don't know how to make it work. It's like I'm in a daze and I'll go into O's room and think "hey why don't I just pick up some of these cars for 5 minutes while I wait for him to go to the bathroom and wash his hands" and then suddenly I'm cleaning his room at it is 9pm. Every morning there is the mad rush to get everyone breakfast and drinks and pack their bags. And every morning I say to myself "all of this is stuff we could have done last night". But every night I get out of O's room late and all I can do is eat chocolate and go to bed. I'm completely unmotivated to clean anything. Our laundry (hahahaha!!! the laundry) . . . never mind. I'm not even going there. If it wasn't bad enough that our house is trashed, now we're talking about moving. I can't even fathom how we would begin to get our house ready to put on the market right now. I tune out of conversations which makes me feel like a jerk. I thought I was having a conversation about motorcycles the other night but when I really tuned in I realized it was about Power Rangers and was rapidly delving into a full scale investigation of good vs evil and my deep responses consisted of "yes" "mm-hhm" and "no, I didn't know that!". But I'm not really sure what I was responding to so who KNOWS what I just told my 4-year-old? Who also (I realized belatedly) thinks that Power Rangers are swords and not people. We regularly forget "water day" so O doesn't have a swim suit or towel when all the other kids do. So then he gets wet in his clothes and has to borrow school's extra underpants and t-shirt and, of course, they're out of shorts. I can't even remember to pack a drink in his lunch since they don't serve milk in the summer. Hell we've actually forgotten to even pack a lunch period. Really - lunch is an EVERY DAY thing. You'd think we would catch on to that one.
I always took pride in the fact that I'm really good at my job. Unfortunately, in our busy office, if you don't looked swamped you're going to get more work. So now I have double (in some cases triple) the average work load. Which would actually be ok with me except that this haze has me forgetting things. I'm catching them all but I know it's only a matter of time before I drop the ball on something big. Just last week I almost forgot to make a phone call. Big deal - one phone call right? But if I had actually completely forgotten it would have cost a customer in excess of $80,000. I'm dealing with large dollar issues now and slacking off can mean major disaster. Normally I think I'd be game for this but I'm starting to not trust myself. The bitch of it all is that my favorite things about my job are slowly disappearing. The biggest perk of this job was that it allowed me to always make my family a priority. Kids are sick? see you tomorrow. Dentist appt? no problem. I left at 5 done for the day and my weekends were mine. And now all through Kansas, Missouri and Arkansas are haulers and farmers and plant operators with my phone number who have no qualms calling me at 2am because there is a problem that could have at least waited until 6am. Today it just came crashing down on me when I got a called from A's daycare. She's been sick since Saturday. She was fine yesterday though so she went to daycare today and then promptly decided to be feverish again. I got the call and immediately stood up to go get her. Then I realized I can't. I have things that cannot sit. There are reasons that I absolutely have to be here.
And I absolutely hate that.
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